I just feel so lost... I have been an EXTREMELY highly functioning addict for quite some time.. It's not one substance in particular, it's anything that can get me high. It is now affecting my health and I have no choice but to get it together - I am only 24 years old and should not be developing constant sinus/upper respiratory infections since I have been ruining the cilia that blocks harmful pathogens from entering the nasal cavity with the crap I've been smoking. I haven't been to a meeting in 8 years. I function so highly that I have been able to successfully carry 2 jobs in healthcare, go to school, and raise 2 kids without a hitch. My S/O was able to quit cold turkey, I am having such a hard time. My body aches, my head is pounding, and I don't have a babysitter to watch the kids while I go to a meeting, so this is my last resort. I really haven't used today, just some resin this morning in the pipe, but that is it, and I had S/O take my debit card to work with him so I don't withdraw any $ to pick up anything. Sometimes I quit for a week, then I start to feel sick again, so I smoke to sleep easier, numb the pain - then I rationalize it by saying, "well I bought it, might as well use it" and the cycle starts all over again. My family has NO clue, nobody does. Only my S/O, and it was really hard for me to admit to him that I had a dependency issue -- When I did, he said that he would stop bringing it around and he has stayed clean; looks healthier, eats better, better mood, - it makes me so jealous I can't shake this yet. I need to get this under control but another reason I don't go to meetings is that I am so secretive about my addictions that I am TERRIFIED of running into someone I know and them running their mouth around the small town we live in, and making me look like a junkie/bad mom. I had an issue with a guidance counselor in middle school telling another student something that I told him in confidence and to this day I am STILL pissed off about it... I guess I am just looking for some support. I'm sorry if this seems like a long rant... time to make the kids dinner so if I don't respond to all posts right away, please be aware why, and thank you for reading.
Welcome. I can relate to your feelings of being lost and being scared, I have felt that way myself. For me, I had a pretty successful life too. I had a career in healthcare for 25years, and had an excellent reputation in my community. I had a house, two cars, a husband, 2 kids, etc., etc.. My family, my co workers, my kids friends parents had no idea about my secret. For a long time, I even fooled myself into thinking my husband didn't either. So I kept on going, until the day it all came crashing down around me. Thank God it did. It set me on a path of recovery and a life much better than I ever thought I had. It took me a few mis-steps in the beginning, but I finally did what was suggested, even though I was scared to death. I went to face to face meetings, found a sponsor, and started working on my steps. I found out that for me, stopping using was the easy part, and that the using was but a symptom of my real problem....myself. I had no soul, I was empty inside, and I tried to fill that with drugs. I was like you, it wasn't any one thing, just whatever I could get that I thought could take away the feelings. The ones of guilt and shame I carried around like a ball and chain. Today, while it is still there, it weighs a lot less, and I am almost free of it. I have been given that through the 12 steps and my God and the fellowship and support I receive through this program. I tried cyber recovery at first for many of the same reasons you mentioned, small community, mistrust of others, no one to watch my disabled son, but for me, it did not work. You have made a huge first step by reaching out here. Consider going to a face to face meeting, remember anyone you see there that you may know will be there for the same reason you are. Eventually I ran into people I knew, but it has been ok, and even helped me in my recovery. I will keep you in my prayers that you will be able to find recovery in your life as I have been blessed to have found in mine. Peace.
I really appreciate the replys, Lord knows I needed them. I want to go to a meeting but in my small town drugs got really out of hand with people in my age range and there is a group of girls I know who used to use, and now they are in the program and they have been for a couple of years, but they are SO stuck up and judgemental towards others who haven't achieved the same length of sobriety time so they are very condescending. I tried reaching out to one of them over FB b/c I recognized one of the program slogans as her status update and she totally blew me off.. really hurt my feelings. I live in SE Michigan and there are many meetings in Ann Arbor, but both of my jobs and college are in A2 and it scares me to run into people there. I have looked into Dawn Farms and the programs it offers (In Ypsilanti) and it sounds like I should go in for an assessment to see if outpatient therapy is right for me. I really wish I could afford to take more than a long weekend off of work and do 30 days of inpatient therapy and just get into a routine of utilizing the steps and form a system to use. My therapist thinks Cognitive Behavioral Therapy will help me, it's my depression and anxiety that makes me "rationalize" using - I need to modify my way of thinking. I didn't use last night. I haven't used today - I don't plan on it. I think the hard part will be this weekend when my partying sister in law and her husband come down for the Holiday, all we do is smoke so I will have to PRAY SO HARD and exercise tremendous restraint. Just re-reading the last sentence I typed discourages me, b/c if it was that easy to exercise restraint and pray hard, then I would be clean by now... I am almost ready to tell my therapist about the extent of my drug use over the past several years... I have just been terrified that I will lose my kids!!! But maybe telling her will add the gravity to the situation that I need to really keep my a** in check this time... My kids are 2 and 1, and they deserve a mom who is clean and sober before they are old enough to realize momma is sick :( I can relate to everything you posters said, and I can't express how much I needed to read some of these replies. When I feel like using this weekend with my SIL and BIL are down, I will re-read them, use them to feel supported in my path.
F it... I will find a meeting and go to one. I am going to need one after this weekend anyway..
-- Edited by cm87118 on Friday 6th of April 2012 08:30:48 AM
I was a high functioning addict too and I can relate to your story. Because I was still able to function, I would rationalize my using. "I'm not so bad as...." etc. Even though I wasn't living on the streets or whatever, the bottom line is that I was doing drugs everyday, usually several times a day, I could not moderate my usage, and drugs were messing up my life, even though I was still getting by. Also, I didn't really get high after a while. It was the same crap, day in, day out. I finally got sick and tired of the life I was living and decided to try something different, so I started going to NA meetings. That was the best decision I ever made. In the meetings I found people who understood me and whom I could relate to. The provide experience, strength, and support. I started working the steps, I got a sponsor, and I started getting involved in the NA fellowship. I stopped hanging around my old drug-using friends. I understand it is hard for you to go meetings, but you really need to do this. I can't stay clean without going to meetings. I understand you may be scared of going, etc. but you have to be willing to do what it takes to get clean. I was willing to do all kinds of things to get high. I need to have the same willingness to get/stay clean. Keep coming back!
PS--smoking resin does count as using drugs. Let's get totally honest here.
WELCOME to MIP!! WE are here for each other sharing our ESH,experience, strength and hope in a loving and caring manner.No big I's or little U's , just one addict reaching out to another a day at a time.Glad to see ya here,keep coming back and let us know how its going. Peace
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
Hi and welcome I understand your fear about going to meetings, but we have a saying "you can't save your face and your ass at the same time" I wish you luck in getting off of and staying off of drugs without the help of na. Your s/o seems very supportive so maybe you can. But the time may come when the illusion of control is no longer possible. For me, it took a shattering experience that robbed me of my career, home, posessions, family and any shred of self respect. I don't wish that on anyone. Honesty is the key here. REAL honesty. Then it's up to you. Good luck and God bless.
it's my depression and anxiety that makes me "rationalize" using
Hi and i'm glad you posted a follow up. Let us know how this weekend goes. I can't comment on your anxiety and depression but ican tell you that i was being treated with zoloft for depression and klonopin for anxiety from a psychiatrist while also seeing a psychologist for therapy. I have also tried religeous guru's, exercise programs supplements and more but nothing worked for me for any length of time untill i found NA The simple truth for me was that I used drugs because I am an addict. Prayers for your health and well being and as always Keep coming back
The bottom line for me is that I could not quit on my own. I realized, thank God, that if I tried to cut down (my goal) or quit by myself, it wouldn't work. I would try to control it but always end up in the same old using pattern. I got honest with myself, asked for help, and found it in NA. I had also suffered enough pain from my addiction that I was willing to do what it took to stay clean.
Way to go! I've been there many a times when I was on and off using in my early struggle to make it clean, to find my place in Narcotics Anonymous. One thing I've observed from my own experiences when I was new to NA is that I've always found people who said or did something that is hurtful for me, and quite a few times, I've stayed away due to these experiences. Of course I was vulnerable at that point of time (still am at times in the meeting rooms after years of feeling at home in NA )
Nonetheless, these were valid feelings of hurt that I harbored against some individual recovering members in NA when I was a newcomer and these hurt feelings did come in my way of seeking hope and finding a sense of belonging in Narcotics Anonymous.
I'm grateful for those times when I was completely down and out, having those jolting experiences that my rock-bottom brought into my life back then. It's only in moments like these that I was getting more and more desperate to make a meeting, to reach out and connect, and as my despair grew I started telling myself "F all, I am going for a meeting, NA is as much for me as it is for anybody else. I need help, I shall make use of whatever I feel can help me now..." Perhaps, those were the first signs of awakening for me back then, thank God for that
I just went long enough to the meetings on a regular basis until I found a select few who genuinely cared, who encouraged and supported me, with whom I could feel comfortable... It's a process and I've seen this work for many other newcomers and members too.
Another way I found a lot of support and help was through online NA forums/groups such as here. Reading lots of NA literature at home helps immensely too.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
Hey guys sorry it took so long for me to get back to you, I have been really busy with school and work. Once again, THANKS for the replies! :) I wanted to say I maintained not using over Easter weekend, or since. My sis in law and her hubby only came down for the day and they just smoked pot and it was easy to avoid. Things are going good now that I am developing a support system. I have reconnected with my sponsor from years ago. I contacted her casually in regards to asking if I could use her as a resume reference and then we started catching up.... I feel good, optimistic. It's hardest when I am alone, when the kids are in bed and my fiance is at work, that's when I get the urge to use - but it will get easier with time. As they say, Rome wasn't built in a day. My anxiety is being treated with Depakote, I honestly have noticed that I feel less irritable and my migraines have decreased. It has helped some, but I know better than to rely on one vice to abstain from another. I am a firm believer in following prescriptions to the T (which is weird considering my addictive personality, but I can't/won't get high on pills, it just seems so hypocritical seeing as how I work in health care, I would just get high on everything else I could get my hands on). Things are looking up in other aspects in my life (job advancement opportunities for both my partner and myself at our current places of employment) and I know that God will reward our efforts. As long as we do right by him/ourselves I/we can live guilt free - and the feeling of being guilt free is better than any high; to me anyways. Thanks for listening guys.
Glad to hear that you've been able to keep away from using for a few days now, and that you have reconnected with your Sponsor again, thanks for sharing...
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
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