So, I've been having really vivd and self-destructive dreams. But onl this week... I think.
I slipped up (suprise suprise) for a few weeks. And this is my first day off from work and school in four months. So I originally thought that I was just stressed and had little "me" time to set aside and center myself. But since this coincides with going cold turkey again, I thought it might just be a form of withdraw that I haven't experienced before.
Never the less, Im just going to post it here to get it out of my head.
I was living in an apartment with my BF and down the hall was a woman & a little girl & husband (call him Jack). Aparently we share a bathroom?? I was brishing my teeth, and the husband came in, we said hello. I meet his family. I go back home.
Next day Jack and I go to an out door rave. He brought another woman (call her Kate). I smoke a cigarette, they talk about money. I go home.
Few hours later, Jack tries to kill me. Stabs me with a key in the abdomen. He leaves. My BF comes home and I try to hide what happened, but he saw that I was stabbed and gives me a few pain killers.
I pack up my stuff and throw it all in my truck, Tell my BF that I'm just going to hide from this guy til he goes away. I drive back to the parking lot of the outside rave, now empty. They find me, chase me, threaten me, take my stuff and leave.
I go to Jack's parents house to get my stuff back. His family offers me coffee, I lead jack outside. I stab him with a key in the abdomen. [End]
There is so much more to that but that was enough to get out that when I woke up from it, I was scared out of my mind. Following that dream was another about my job. And I had to check my voicemail to make sure it really was a dream.
Im sorry Im an idiot. I just wish I could stop having dreams about people killing me. Thanks for reading this.
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Change will happen when the pain of where you are exceeds the fear of where youre going
I used to have some pretty vivid dreams too. Enough time has passed that they are infrequent now, and the worst ones I don't remember except the terror they made me feel. There were a few occasions when I was so scared in my dream that I cried out in fear. My husband would wake me to see if I was ok, as I awoke him with my cries. I did alot of self destructive things in my active addiction, and when I got clean, I had to look at them. It took me a while to be able to do that, and I think maybe the things I was trying to supress and not get out (or let out) were the things that caused me to have such fear filled dreams. As I go through the steps, especially 4 & 5, I am letting go of the guilt and shame, the remorse of that self destruction. I pray that I will never go there again, but I do not know if I will or not. But I did not go there today, and for that I am grateful. One day at a time is how I live my life today, and with the help and support of the fellowship & 12 steps, and my Higher Power, I am able to do it clean and sober. One of the most important things my sponsor has given me so far is the gift of learning how to forgive myself. When I shared my 4th step with her, she hugged me and let me cry and then told me that God had already forgiven me, that I needed to learn how to forgive myself. There were things I had done that I didn't think I could forgive myself for, and I told her that. So she told me to pray for the ability to learn how to forgive myself. I didn't think it would work, but I did it anyway. Much to my amazement it did work, and although I cannot say I have forgiven myself 100%, I have been able to forgive myself enough to let go of my guilt and shame. What's done is done, and you can't go back and change it. But you can stop beating yourself up, and get back to working your program. And learn how to forgive yourself and move forward. One day at a time. (((((Hugs))))) Peace.
You said you "slipped up". Does that mean that you've been using drugs again? If so, the first thing to do is to stop using. And to get to meetings ASAP. Do you have a sponsor? I share my stuff like this with my sponsor. Sorry you are having these dreams. One thing I need to remember: dreams are not reality. I used to have a lot of disturbing drug using dreams. Though they made me upset, the bottom line is that when I woke up I was still clean. They helped me to remember what I don't want to do. So, hang in there, don't use and go to meetings.
I had a dream last night that i was in the park for a memorial gathering for the shootings in Chardon with all my very very religious friends except one who was on her way i took lots of pills and was laying on the grass unconcious with my eyes open. she came running up to me thought i was dead took my pulse asked me if it was always this fast i didnt answer she found the pills scattered all over the ground realized what i did called the ambulance. i woke up in the hospital she was staring at me crying said she knew what was going on and then i woke up from the dream. it was the most realistic dream ive ever had. it felt like it was really happening and i woke up and i was like where the f*ck am i? not a fun dream.
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"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
