Well, I am new here and feeling the need to connect to others who may have been through simialar situation. Two and a half years ago I met a man who soon became my boyfriend. He re-introduced me to cocaine, which was something I had not seen or done or been associated with since I was a teenager. He said it was only for special occasions....like our first weekend together. right? So I jumped right in and tried it out with him.....a special occasion turned into an every time I was with him we were doing endless amounts of cocaine and drinking and sometimes popping xanax....oh yeah and weed too. So, I soon realized he had a problem....and so did I. I told him I didn't wish to do it anymore and he seemed to understand. However, it can be hard to resist when it is just laying there waiting for you to snort it up....and it always is/was...I say was because I am no longer seeing him as of 2 days ago. The fun of drinking and doing coke quickly became a daily habit if I was with him....I sort of just quit worrying about it and just participated....I mean why not...an endless supply it seemed. So, it wasn't long before we had problems....he started cheating on me, lieing, sneaking, accusing me of all kinds of stuff, hearing things that weren't there, and fighting . The fights became intense and usually were late at night after we had been partying.....The jealousy was insane as well. I have been accused of everything from screwing his best friends to sneaking to text people in the bathroom to not working late when I was...and so on. It has been a rollercoaster rie for sure. I can't understand why I stay. Most self repecting women would not put up with a cheater, much less an addict. He was so paranoid that he slept with his phone and wallet and keys ties up in a pillowcase. I guess so I wouldn't look into his phone. However, he has on many occasions went through my phone and i have found where he writes all the numbers down that I have called and starts accusing me of talking to other men. I could write forever about all the experiences of being with a coke addict, but what I am questioning now is....have I become addicted to it myself? Do I stay with him so I know I can have more coke? I usually don't turn it down. I wonder why I let myself get into this lifestyle. I am a professional person who could lose my career if found to be doing this. In may ways, my realtionship with him has been the root of many problems in my life....my relationship with my daughter who cant stand him. I have loaned him money...currently owes me 1200. Said he couldn'ty his house payment....I have gotten him a credit card...it has since been cancelled. I have done things that I as a single mother cant afford to do...because I care for him and trust him to pay me back. I want out of the cocaine world and will have to stay away from him in order for that to happen, I am saddened by this, but trying to come to the realization that he has a huge problem and has been dragging me down the tubes. Howmany times have I been so intoxicated and high (alcohol and coke) that I dont remember things, fights, events the next day. How many times have I woke up and wondered why I am still alive? Doing coke makes me just drink more and more....and how many nights have we stayed up till 4 or 6am? I am not happy with this lifestyle. I want the old me back and I intend to find her again. Anyway, that's just a little bit of my story I wished to share. Thanks for reading.
Welcome. Sounds like you are getting honest with yourself that you have a problem with cocaine and a bad relationship. Have you been making it to some in-person NA meetings? You wil find lots of experience, strength, support and hope there. Online recovery forums are helpful but they are not a replacement for in-person meetings. Keep coming back!
your starting to ask some imortant questions. i would suggest you stop seeing him, and stop drinking/doing coke cold turkey. if you can't stop either than get to a NA meeting and ask for help good luck and keep coming back
ive been there...and those questions youre asking are valid and you know what you need to do. but you will need help so go to a meeting and get that help. sooner is better then later.what seems dark now only gets darker later. glad your here! GO TO A MEETING!!!!
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kelly lofquist
Dont stress over what couldve been, chances are if it shouldve been, it wouldve been...
Thanks so much for your response. I love your quote at the bottom about the couldve been and the wouldve been...I shared that with my ex. I got stuck in that mode of thinking about what could of been and made me temporarily insane....but I think I am climbing out of it slowly. Wow, I forgot I posted on here a week ago and couldn't remember how to get back to the page....so glad I did! I do need to go to meetings.....I just want simple, plain, ordinary life again....don't need to live like a rock star. I really have woken up many days and wondered why the hell I was alive after all I had put into my body the night before...and I have made an ass of myself many times as well. No way to live.
Hello and no I have not made it to an in person NA meeting. I do feel like I need to go though. I have been away from my male friend now for 9 days and seeing things clearer each day. I will be ok without him because he is the source of the drug. I would never go out and buy it myself. I do however seem to be abusing xanax more than I used to.....I guess I should just go to a meeting and see what it's like.....I actually have a list of meetings over on the dresser.
Last time I looked xanax was a drug. It has been my experience that I can't use anything that gets me high without abusing it. I always want more and more. Try going to some meetings. What have you got to lose?
My doctor told me it was a toll to help get through the day (xanax).....it's so easy to get a prescription that it is scary! Having a 14 yr old daughter, being single, and having an addict for an ex bf can cause stress in my life, so I like knowing that they are there. I have stopped using them before, so I know I can stop....just alwyas know they are available if I need them is the part I can't get past....and I do abuse them at times for the high or to knock myself out.
hi dani it,s time to stop talking about it. so you realize yet that you can't do this alone? NA can help It's time to go to a meeting so pleae look at your meeting list, find the next meeting and go and please let us know how you arre doing
Doing drugs, for me, stripped me down to nothing but a walking, talking drug. I still don't understand how or why I did some of the things I did when I was using. My soul was gone, far far away. I thought that I'd never get myself back, that it was hopeless- I truly believed this. I believed that life without drugs would be so boring, that I wouldn't have a personality or anything to say. The drugs made me who I was at the time, and they controlled every little bit of me. I wasn't even human. It want too far and it wasn't fun anymore, and then I went further and destroyed everything. Through coming to NA, I have found myself again, much happier, better and stronger than I was before (I was a miserable, spoiled, hateful brat before I even picked up). Today I can be a respectful person, I can do the right things for the right reasons. The people in NA literally loved me until I could love myself. They showed me the way to freedom. For me though, I had to work the program to achieve this- as soon as I stopped working it, I relapsed. I'm back now, working it to the best of my ability- I'm not leaving any suggestion behind, and it is working. NA can pull you out of the deepest depths of hell, and restore you to sanity. It did for me, and countless others. I believe in you, you are worth it. Give yourself a break, you don't need to use ever again, and you sure don't have to live like that anymore. Life isn't always easy, but it is absolutely beautiful.
My doctor told me it was a toll to help get through the day (xanax).....it's so easy to get a prescription that it is scary!
Yes, it is easy to get a prescription. Heck, if I lived in California I'm sure I'd find a way to get an RX for marijuana, my drug of choice when I was actively using. The point is, we have to be responsible for our own recovery. Having an RX is no excuse for using a drug we know we are taking to get high.
