I was diagnosed with Crohn's Disease 10 years ago when I was 15. I didn't need pain medication for my illness until about 3 years ago. I had just gotten off my parents insurance and had no way to go to a GI doctor like I needed to, so, instead I bounced from ER to ER getting shots of dilaudid & sent home with scripts for pain meds.

Eventually I got sick of going to the emergency room and just found opiates on the street and then not only did I have a chronic illness, but I now became an addict.

Two months into my recovery, the doctors found 2 abscesses and narrowing of my small intestine which was extremely painful. I shared that I was an addict, but still I ended up taking the dilaudid shots because of how much pain I was in. I was feeling miserable and was on IV antibiotics for over a month and still the abscesses wouldn't go away. I was out of the hospital with a picc line in my arm for 10 days when I had to go back to the ER for even more intense pain - they discovered that I now also had appendicitis and once again I was on IV pain meds.

The first hospitalization I was there for 3 weeks receiving pain meds pretty much around the clock. After I got out of the hospital, I was still on pain meds as prescribed and fortunately because I lived in a sober living environment, my house manager handed them to me when they were due. When I went back into the hospital, everything was so much worse leading up to surgery. Post surgery was hellish because I wasn't given anything stronger than the IV dilaudid I was already on. I didn't trust myself with a Patient controlled pump so I was in complete hell for 3 days - at about 10 out of 10 on the pain scale. All together, I was in the hospital getting pain meds for about a month in a half via IV and now I'm weening myself off the oral ones.

I just feel like my recovery was put on hold for the last two months and don't know how to get back to where I was. I know that I'm going to have to come off the pain meds completely and I worry about it. The biggest setback I'm having is insomnia and I'm still on the pain meds. I think I'm having insomnia because I'm no longer on the heavy IV pain meds now. I'm seriously only getting about 6-7 hours of sleep every 2 days and it is literally driving me insane. The lack of sleep is making the idea of relapse seem more real than ever before. I worry that everything was all a waste. My parents spent thousands of dollars to get me out here to pay for rehab and my sober living only to find these health problems two months later. It's not fair. I know that acceptance is where I need to get to, but it seems so hard right now.

I am working with a sponsor and right now she has me doing my 4th step. Honestly, I feel like it is too much right now. I just had major surgery and am just recovering from that. I've only been out of the hospital for a week. I've been doing it anyway, but I almost feel that working on my 4th step so soon after being off IV pain meds is a little risky, but I guess that might sound like I'm making excuses. I just know that I see her point because there's so many triggers going on all around me now should be a perfect time to do it, but I also believe given everything I've just been through there's time enough for that when my health recovers.

I don't really know why I'm posting other than I'm afraid. I don't want to lose sight of my recovery. Getting completely sober again is very important to me, but getting all those doses of IV meds really messed with my mind. The cravings are HUGE still. It's only been a week and I still feel like I'm going crazy whilst longing for the rush of it once more. I just don't feel very strong right now and could use any words of encouragement.