I have been having this behavior pattern the last two years. I get clean, go to meetings, have a sponsor, work on steps...then after so much time has passed; I relapse. I joined the program in '07. My life has gotten better and the time betwwen relapsing has been the longest ever last time. But, I always relapse eventually even though I ask my higher power everyday for the strengh not too. I guess I am just in shock because I just flushed two years down the toilet and got high 3 times in december. I just am so disgusted with myself. I feel very lost and depressed, like a failure.
__________________
"Faith and reason are like two wings on which the human spirit risises to the contemplation of truth. Try to fly on one wing and a creature would fall to the ground."
You're not a failure. Remember, every day clean is a success, not matter whether it's our 2nd day in a row or our 2000th. Just keeping coming back and working the program. Don't set yourself up for failure. Just because you relapsed before, doesn't mean you'll relapse again. Don't use no matter what and go to meetings.
Hi Athena, stop beating yourself up. We addicts are really good at seeing the glass as half empty. You got high 3 times in december...ok that is definitely NOT GOOD> because you know where it can lead.... heartache, lonliness, loss of loved ones, jails, institutions, and death. BUT....you did not 'throw away' two years clean. those 730 or so days clean are a fact of your life. For that period of time you were not wasting away in active addiction. Go to a meeting, tell on yourself, pick up a white keytag, and just for today don't pick up no matter what! Oh, and may i suggest that you not look at your clean time as the 'time between relapses' that's just convincing yourself that a relapse is inevitable. It is not inevitable. Keep coming back. One day at a time you never have to use again.
-- Edited by avid on Monday 9th of January 2012 08:50:34 AM
hi athena i know exactley how you feel...i did the same thing threw away 2 yrs....and kept using for 2 yrs. but this time around im aware of what i did or didnt do that which took me out. i remember first i got complacent in my program...i went from having all kinds of service commitments which was huge in keeping me coming back to no commitments so i attended less and less meetings for one reason or another, but the day i found myself at an old place where i hadnt been in along time is because i chose to go....instead of pick up my phone i left my phone at home got in my car and decided i was gonna use....instead of playing it out to the end and using the tools that i had received i relapsed...and of course ended up getting arrested the very next day on possession charges cause im so smart...lol...after 2 years of court proceedings and the most miserable 2 yrs of my using life i got a 30 day program and now by the grace of god i'm back where i belong in recovery. so i know how easy it was to relapse only because i took back my will and chose to open that door...i want to say no big deal but it is...it hurt to throw away those 2 years i was so proud of, but im proud to be on my way again to coming up on 9 months. i think what kept me away from the rooms those 2 years of relapse was facing the humility of announcing myself as a new comern again so i ran from it but when it happened it was the most warm and loving humility i have ever felt and thats what i want and thats what i get from n.a. i learn how to live its amazing. so dont think you arent getting anywhere because you are. relapse happens to alot of us...but we are here again to face our own humility and use it to hellp another....thats all we can do. i think youre amazing for being here and sharing your pain i think we are an amazing bunch of people those addicts who help other addicts even if we relapse we got alot to give! so stay! do what it takes and if you make mistakes along the way so be it...and remember how amazing you are.!
__________________
kelly lofquist
Dont stress over what couldve been, chances are if it shouldve been, it wouldve been...
A Day Clean is a Day Won. Keep coming back. You are here now so you are a Winner.
Total Surrender without reservation seems to be a major key to long term Recovery, complacency the enemy. Seeing people relapse is a sad fact of our disease. I don't have the answers, and believe that is part of the key to 31 years Clean, I in and of myself don't have the answers. My Higher Power and NA have the answers, always.
__________________
Work the Steps or Die MF. (My Friend :) Clean One Day At a Time by The Grace of God through The Power of NA
If all behavior is preceeded by thought, perhaps a suggestion would be to make a written inventory of your behavior and what was in your head prior to using.
For me, when I display sick behavior there is usually something in my thinking that needs to be cleaned up. By writting an inventory of my circumstances and reviewing with my sponsor, this usually helps me to see the "weak link" and then I am able to make a behavior change.
"We've never seen an addict who's living the program relapse". I know that when I've relapsed it's because for a time preceding the relapse I sure wasn't living the program. When I stop doing the basic stuff daily, the idea of using creeps back in. For me it's about maintaining a spiritual condition that doesn't gel with using drugs, as soon as I backslide I'm inviting the old bugaboos back in. It has nothing to do with a higher power that I made up giving me strength not to use....it's about maintaining the gift of not having the desire to use, FOR ME. Just keep comin back sister!!!!
Sometimes I get answers to things on here that I can not get in the rooms. I had just recently put my life back together now everyone is dissapointed in me. I have to admit my friend are not recovering adiccits so sometimes it is hard for them to understand that all of a sudden I relapsed (now 5 times-which i consider a run). I am trying to look at the glass half full by saying a run for me used to be a week without coming home at all; now I will use and come home and bear my soul to those in the meeting and my family & friends. I just try to keep busy and ask my higher power for another day clean.
__________________
"Faith and reason are like two wings on which the human spirit risises to the contemplation of truth. Try to fly on one wing and a creature would fall to the ground."
thanks to eveyone for your support and concern.
