Okay so i have to get this out because its just been flat out messing with my recovery for months in the back of my head and although i have tried to move past it and put focus elsewhere, it remains to slip through the cracks of my mind. And once its implanted in there im stuck with heavy depression, lack of care or connectiveness and all around loss of ambition. Im new to this program, but i have several "tools" as you will to try and subdue my thoughts and emotions but what remains is the same...alright so enough intro...
So the months leading up to my recovery, i had a relationship with a love of my life, i'd like to think soulmate for close to 4 years. we had it really good. and although somewhere halfway through that time, drugs came into our lives that really werent there prior, i knew aside from all the ups and downs she was the one for me. i had to get arrested for small possesion to finally stop the addiction and went to rehab, and in that turmoil, her parents shipped her off to a rehab in florida, we lived in PA. And aside all the small things, she's doing really good there now and shes apparently not coming back, on her will and her parents. And we were trying to stop for months before everything happened. we wanted to get our lives in focus and take care of eachother. Now that she's down there and seems to be moving on, i feel this undying burden, of not only guilt, but IMMENSE PAIN.... i lost something i love so much to my addiction. we speak online here and there but i know its not like how it was before she left, and im crushed... she seems to be doing great out there. lots of ppl and whatnot to connect to and i feel she buried what we had to move on and i really cant handle it... for two weeks in rehab i was a complete mess, i found ways not to think much about it, which did help, but when that emotion finally sneaks in, its like a HUGE wave crashing on me and sucking me in... i cant seem to share this in groups cuz it depresses me too much. ive been out of rehab since oct and when i did share it there it was like a band aid on a broken arm. getting it out doesnt help and trying to share doesnt help...im at a loss, i dont know what to do or how to handle this, yeah i heard alot of the same phrases and they dont help, there just a precursor to more pain later on....if anyone can shed some light on this or anything id greatly appreciate it... im hurting here so bad. my birthday is in 10 days, i really dont want to use, but i feel so alone and at times helpless and i dont want to think its an inevitable option to deal with this pain, so far i havent used but if i cant deal with this soon, idk what im gonna do, mental institution or something cuz im going insane in my head...
i got to meetings everyday, i eat well and excercise, i try to pray and meditate on a regular basis so these things that are suggested i am trying to follow to the best of my ability...im really at a loss
Man I can feel your pain and anguish and lonliness......pain shared is pain lessened.. As of now, in this moment of despair and hopelessness, you are being Graced by God.... God cares, whether or not she does !
Yes, life's lessons can sometimes be real painful, and addiction is such a cunning enemy of life.. There's are times when we are so challenged that there is no choice but to accept the unacceptable.
"if you truly love somebody, then love them and set them free, if they come back, then it was meant to be"
Try and be within your own recovery and care for yourself...Addiction likes to magnify feelings like this, so that you have a perfect justification for using more. This is the time to let go and admit harm and be willing to make amends... Put her first on the list if you want to, then become willing and let go.
If the time is so written in your Destiny, and you are able to make true, heart felt amends, you may even win her back. Else, it was what was meant to be and accepting the un-acceptable becomes priority !!!
Take care my friend, live just for today, clean and serene !
__________________
Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
It is not easy to get over the pain that our addiction has caused us and others. It takes time. What helps me is going to meetings, working the steps with a sponsor, prayer/meditation, service and NA fellowship. All of these things get me outside of my self and involved with other people. Self-obsession is at the core of our disease. Dwelling on the past (a broken relationship, etc.) is form of self-obsession. I don't know how far you've gotten in the steps, but in several of them (step 4-5 and 8-9) we deal with our past. Hang in there, and don't use no matter what.
Welcome to our supportive little community. One thing many of us have in common is loss. Addiction is a destructive force. It takes from us. It promises us relief from pain, and seduces us by delivering on that promise.... for a while. Then it corrodes us from within. Dave R. said much of what I was thinking. Your obsessed with this woman. Any time we are obsessed with something or someone, no matter how much we feel justified, we have to recogize it as our disease. The solution is in the steps. Keep going to meetings and working the steps with an experienced NA sponsor. It will take time, but things will get better.
hi my name is kelly i read your post and i so feel your pain immensely. i dont really know what to say because im sure youve heard it all and thats why we are here to listen and suggest the things that have worked for us. we have all been there trust that! if you use, things will not get better!!!!!!!!!!!! if you use, she wont come back, if you use everything that you have so far will go to shit! and i can tell you have found something good in recovery because you opened up and shared your pain with us, which is totally awesome. but if you use you might die and i think you really want to live. your need to get your ass to meetings get in service get as sponsor start those pain relieving steps and i promise life as you know it now will change with yes ups and downs but with your higher power by your side you will make it thru to the other side. So please dont give up dont use today and tomorrow start this all ov3er again and just for today DONT USE! BY THE WAY YOUR HIGHER POWER LOVES YOU AND IF YOU DIDNT KNOW BY NOW HAS GOT YOU HERE TO US OTHER ADDICCTS WHO HAVE MADE IT THRU STUFF TOO. GIVE RECOVERY A CHANCE YOU MIGHT FIND THE REWARDS GREATER THEN WHAT YOU THINK YOU WANT NOW! hope this helps....just saying. good luck and youre not alone!
__________________
kelly lofquist
Dont stress over what couldve been, chances are if it shouldve been, it wouldve been...
