my disease started long beore i ever put any chemicals into my body. i grew up not knowing who i was supposed to be and never liked the skin i was in... and i remember the first time i used it all changed i was something or someone else..i was no longer alone with myself now life was fun and not only was i the life of the party but party became my life. it didnt get really bad until i had kids and then i found what would become my drug of choice, meth! i thought i was supermom able to leap tall buildings so to speak but shortly after that i was mom locked behind the bedroom door and then it was i couldnt handle listening to the kids behind the door and i definately didnt want to stay home and care for their needs so i went and left them with family members until i could get my shit together. But that never happened and the pain of what i was doing was growing stronger everyday. But i kept on using to try and hide my feelings of how mush i dissappointed them and the rest of my family. drugs had won my life and i couldnt even see this wasnt normal. i sold drugs and at first i made money but then it only was to keep my habit fed. and then i was owing more and more and i began going to jail for petty stuff, and never looked at the reason Might be drug related and when the judge would give me the options of recovery and probation or jail, i always chose jail because god forbid i have probation breathing down my neck and getting in the way of my drug use. I WASN'T DONE! But somewhere along the road i decided to do the court ordered extensive out patient treatment and my eyes opened and i learned about addiction and i saw that i actually resembled this disease called addiction. my life was completely unmanageable and i wanted to die and there wasnt anymore fun in getting high. my life was dark and drugs were not working any longer. I WAS DONE! So for one year i continued to do this learning and life slowly started coming back into me. i attended n.a. meetings daily sometimes as many as 3 in a day because i needed to find a new social life. i knew i couldnt be alone because i had been isolating for years and i found this was when i would use the most. so i found a home group and took on commitments i got a sponsor and i worked the steps. today im still broke but im not broken. i live with my daughter and her husband and my 3 grandkids so i'm not completely self supporting, but i'm rebuilding a relationship with ny daughter and my grandkids are my second chance of being mother like. i just became a cancer survivor and i know that if i was using i wouldnt be a survivor. So things arent really a bed of roses just because i am clean but i tell you what i'd rather be clean and experiencing lifes ups and downs then be alone and miserable with a needle in my arm. my life is so much more now that im clean and i can remember saying to myself when i was out there that there has to be mor to life then all this pain...now i can live life and i love every up and down in it. I have God in my life and i am thankful everyday. I'M ALIVE ....REALLY ALIVE!