I don't know about anyone else but when I got clean I wanted to change my life in all ways. Through my higher Power and the 12-steps I have been able to do that. The one place I feel uncomfortable these days is at meetings, when I excpressed this I was critisized by many. Then I took a look a look at the at those who took a jab at me, although they may have some clean time they have gambling problems, problems with strippers, and another who exctorted 5,000$ from another NA member. I olny having 2 years am supposed to get help from these people (who despite their defaults have 5-15 years) I dont own a vehicle this is the closest meeting to my home. I know that no one is perfect, and this is common to displace addictions. But isn't that what we use the steps for? They make me feel so low? just for saying I was uncomfortable.
__________________
"Faith and reason are like two wings on which the human spirit risises to the contemplation of truth. Try to fly on one wing and a creature would fall to the ground."
Athena, thanks for sharing this. I have found people of all sorts in the fellowship, all addicts, all a work in process. Some I find helpful, some at times can be hurtful. I have found it to help me when I focus on how I can continue to benefit from the NA program anyway, though its meetings and from the fellowship in general. When I do this, I realize that much can be gained merely through the process of making a meeting alone, need not by staying late and hanging out with members. Thankfully our meetings are formatted in such a way that we each merely share and with care for each other. Of course, at times even in a meeting things can get ugly no doubt... but the good that I benefit from when I make a meeting anytime far outweighs the imperfections. Opening my mind and listening to what is being shared in the meeting from the point of the principle of anonymity helps too. That way I take off the names and the faces and what I know ab out them when members share at a meeting... this works for me most of the time to get exactly that message that I need on a particular day from a meeting, and many a times, it comes from unexpected quarters...
Also, I found a select few whose recovery I admired, with whom I felt at ease, who have developed sensitivity towards fellow human beings... there are quite a few I found when I sought... mostly I did not see them earlier or consider them as part of my support system because of my desire to be a part of other groups who just hang out, gossip and in the name of care abuse and misuse others... I wanted them to behave and be appropriate enough for me to be able to be a part of. Just 3 or 4 of such understanding and caring members was and is enough for me to give me a reason to make a meeting, or at other times, to make that call...
Yes I do agree that the level of spirituality that I once experienced in the fellowship and meetings until a few years back seems to be missing now. I remember the depth at which we shared and cared and discussed the literature and the program while fellowshipping, and nowadays, it is more of what is happening with whom and how messed up so and so is... but then I seriously wonder at times why I see this change in the climate of the fellowship... is it them or could it be me...
__________________
"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
Hi athena and welcome to our supportive little community. One thing we must always remember is that the rooms of narcotics anonymous are populated by sick people. It doesn't matter how much clean time we have (or claim to have) we all suffer from an incurable disease. I always kind of squirm a little bit when i hear a newcomer share some intensely personal information at a meeting. This is not appropriate and can lead to real hurt and relapse. Save those revelations for a trusted sponsor. I know your share wasn't exactly along those lines, but it sounds like some people heard your share as a criticism or even an attack on their home group and retaliated. I'm reminded of a saying "Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter" Thanks for sharing, hope to hear more from you.
We look for the similaritys otherwise we find a lot of differences.
I've found myself caught up in personalitys before principles.
you wont find a perfect person in the rooms that much i'm sure of , but am I perfect? I still have my quirks and problems, its slow growth , like watching paint dry sometimes :)
When I wasn't okay with me, instead of doing the next right thing, I turned to any other addictive behavior (yes, while in recovery). Compulsive gambling, overeating, sex, and my current one: being overly judgmental of others.
What it boils down to for me is not working steps and not keeping a conscious contact with my HP, sponsor, other recovering addicts.
When I came into the rooms, the only women to look to for sponsors weren't working steps, were cross-addicting, and were total drama queens. I later found out about some extortion, as well... go-figure. It sounds awful familiar.
What I did was leave the area to find a sponsor. I found my first sponsor at a campout, my second sponsor at a different campout. Both of them lived outside of town. All i can say is to try to make it to an event sometime soon and listen to what people have to say. What I asked of a potential sponsor is:
1. Are you working steps? 2. Do you have a sponsor? 3. Do you work with that sponsor regularly? 4. What do you expect from your sponsees?
At that point, you'll know in your gut whether it's worth it or not. If it's not right, don't do it!
Many new meetings start with a resentment and a pot of coffee. If you can't stand it, start a new meeting.
Athena,, how sweet of you to bring this up. Sweet because it shows me your sincere desire to not only stay a clean addict but also be a good human.
One can whine and complain and debate, but I find the fact is simple; when we addicts stop using, we may take permission form ourselves and others to do compulsive spending, sexual acting and other plain dis-honest stuff. Then when it's pointed out, pat comes the reply " so what, Im clean aint I?" And then to support addiction that does'nt involve drugs, these members will resort to repeating those behaviours.
Point is how long can one stay clean (and serene) like that ? Time and again in my recovery, I've had sponsors who guided me away from that sort of thing. I dont mean to say Im a Saint,, no way. All Im saying is once it's decided between me and my sponsor that there are behaviours in my life that depict my addictive personality, whenever those things come up, it is MY responsibility to be clean off them. Believe me when I say that I've actually had addiction driven behaviours go away after I stopped doing them. They just atrophy and die away. Some do come back but I now know what to do to be in recovery....
Yes, gossip and character assassination is addiction and the devil itself... No goodwill in all that, so I simply choose to stay away from coffee shops and members who do that..
Just for today, I will remember that I have a choice !!!
thanks for letting share a bit...
-- Edited by Raman on Monday 28th of November 2011 03:47:52 PM
__________________
Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
We are all sick people trying to get better. I can learn important lessons from even the sickest NA members. Sometimes the lessons are what not to do! Of course, I do need some people in my recovery whom I trust and admire, such as my sponsor. I also need to go to meeting where the message of recovery is shared.
Welcome Athena. My names Mike, I'm a grateful recovering addict.
Recovery is a Journey, not a destination. We seek progress, not perfection. Perfection is not possible and striving for perfection a lost cause. Believing otherwise caused me many years of self flagellation and condemnation of others falling short of my self imposed view of how I thought they should be.
My more I know about this Journey that is Recovery and life, the more I know I don't know. 31 years Clean yesterday and know nothing, and in knowing know I know not.
I am Clean again today, a gift, a miracle, I have a conscience contact with my Higher Power today, the Steps are my roadmap, the NA Program full of Recovering addicts fraught with our faults and foibles are the conduit to my Power source, it is enough.
__________________
Work the Steps or Die MF. (My Friend :) Clean One Day At a Time by The Grace of God through The Power of NA
First I would like to thank everyone for their feedback. I was so delighted to get such a response. I guess I was just so surprised because when I stopped using and got to know myself (as an adult) I did not realize, for lack of a better word, prudish person I am. I am just so disgusted with my past and was so sick and tired of living that crazy lifestyle. When I made that comment I really wasn't trying to knock anyone else or say that I am "more spiritual" or better in any way. I was just hurt because I shared at my own home group that I was uncomfortable, I did not say why. This does not mean I would ever give up on my recovery, my sponser, but I do think a home group change is in order. Thanks to everyone.
-- Edited by athena on Tuesday 29th of November 2011 10:28:53 PM
"Faith and reason are like two wings on which the human spirit risises to the contemplation of truth. Try to fly on one wing and a creature would fall to the ground."
although probably because of my reseservations and and (this because of this very situation) I suffered a relapse recently. I can not believe that there is is a accelerated program to recovery. Although I am already taking herbal supplements (but in tea form). Thank You for your concern and I will look into it.
__________________
"Faith and reason are like two wings on which the human spirit risises to the contemplation of truth. Try to fly on one wing and a creature would fall to the ground."
I deleted the Herbal Supplements post. That was an advertisement for a drug replacement therapy program, totally inappropriate for this board. Keep working the NA program and you'll be fine.
"Faith and reason are like two wings on which the human spirit risises to the contemplation of truth. Try to fly on one wing and a creature would fall to the ground."
I like the heading of this thread, " I need answers".
I have been there so many times, impatient for answers, eeling discomfort in so many situations, with people places things, situations.
I've had to force myself and even pray ( oh my not pray ) yes pray for help with being patient and waiting for my higher power to show me direct my life to the answers.
god works slow with me, cozz i am slow LOL I accept that its funny really but once i get something i have it so i can at least retain things.
I appreciate things more when I have to work for them rather then have them given, and you'll earn what you get here God makes sure of that LOL
take care no more relaspes, its not neccessary everytime we have a reservation to relapse, work through the process, you aint always going to look good feel good in this process so get used to that too.
I don't know about anyone else but when I got clean I wanted to change my life in all ways. Through my higher Power and the 12-steps I have been able to do that. The one place I feel uncomfortable these days is at meetings, when I excpressed this I was critisized by many. Then I took a look a look at the at those who took a jab at me, although they may have some clean time they have gambling problems, problems with strippers, and another who exctorted 5,000$ from another NA member. I olny having 2 years am supposed to get help from these people (who despite their defaults have 5-15 years) I dont own a vehicle this is the closest meeting to my home. I know that no one is perfect, and this is common to displace addictions. But isn't that what we use the steps for? They make me feel so low? just for saying I was uncomfortable.
