just a few days ago obsession swept threw me like fire I almost lost it all, the clall I made to the connection wasn't answered so I got in the shower under the cleansing water and talked with God, asked no I pleaded for the obsession to be removed by the time I stepped out of the shower it was but I felt a great sense of guilt for making the call and not reaching out, feels like a realpse except I didnt use, its weird.
No defense at times, I have let things fester inside, I feel dark inside so i'm reaching out to the light and hoping to come around more and share my experience strength hope.
Wow!! close call there Vin. Too close. Next time you pick up the phone to call a dealer, call a fellow recovering addict. Our higher power isn't always willing to save us from ourselves.
Vini, so glad you made it clean through it all... for almost the first 5 years of my recovery, I've never felt a strong urge to use again, even casual using thoughts were a rarity. But over the last 2 and a 1/2 years, I'm not sure anymore. I catch myself thinking about having a beer or smoking nice hemp at times. At other times, on occasion, I hear of a fellow member with substantial cleantime having picked up again, and that really scares me, bringing me to the reality that I'm still an addict and as such am never safe or recovered fully from my dis-ease. I'm subject to relapse anytime.
One thing that helps me a lot at such times of positive fear is this line from our literature - if we don't use what we have, we lose what we have! I realize that I've been skipping on my prayers at the start of the day, or I haven't read/meditated on the Just For Today topic for 2-3 days, or I haven't made a meeting in the last 10 days or so... back to basics becomes a necessity all over again... there's no graduation in this Program for me, I cannot stay clean and continue to recover on yesterday's recovery I guess
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
Thanks for the replys, all of what you guys say and more, more to do, more to see, more will be revealed and I know i'm not supposed to go back out in my disease I know I have another purpose here then to throw it away and give up, give in.
Ive been really hurt and angry a lot lately, lots of resentments, one of which I keep letting back in my life, the other I need to come to terms with between myself and God. I love how this program tells me I can have a powewr of my choice, not someone elses and thats worked for me but i got involved a little with religion and got confused and resentful, but thats done.
I let HER back in my life to hurt me over and over, i hurt back that hurt me even more, I won't let her back again, thats done.
