hello my name is kelly and of course i am an addict...
does anyone feel like me?
i know that im not the only one who feels like i let my life get away...i used for the better part of my life beginning at the age of 13 and i continued to live my addiction for 38 years as it was normal. But now that ive had some time in recovery and working the steps i feel like now "What Now?"
I feel like i'm less then all the people i grew up with who didnt take the path i did who became successful or had the "normal" life . I don't have anything really...i feel really different when i see what they have and i question my self with "where did my life take such a wrong turn?...etc"
and because of my addiction the wreckage of my past is overwhelming to me and i feel like this is all its going to be for me...and i accept this but it doesnt feel too good...but i know that today i am more then my past. and i know that i may not have anything to offer or so ive been told i am clean and for now thats is jusst fine with me. i guess i feel like ive lost my opportunity for my "NORMAL" has anyone felt that? if so could you share with me and what you suggest... thanks i need feedback...hopefully im making sense i'm not the best at expressing whats in my head...let me know if im making anysense or not if you would...
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kelly lofquist
Dont stress over what couldve been, chances are if it shouldve been, it wouldve been...
I know what you mean. I feel like a loser because of my drug and my alcohol abuse. I didn't really make anything out of my life. But I don't think it's too late. I want to go back to school so I can have that chance again at life... like what you were talking about. But I think first we have to put that on the back burner and work on fixing ourselves. How we can do that, I don't know. I just decided to quit last night so today is my first day.
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I know where you're coming from and I don't think it's too late for us.
hi kelly again im really glad you decided to quit...1st day is the hardest or it was for me. im glad i made sense to someone, sometimes i think my thoughts come out all scrambled and no one could possibly understand what the hell im trying to say.. and yes i feel like such a loser now that i look around me and see what ive done to my life, or all the things i never accomplised because i thought my scene was the only way to live. anyways i'll probably talk more about this now that i found a n.a. chat board and hey im proud of your 24 hours and i hope i see and chat with you again...keeping it simple in maryland.
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kelly lofquist
Dont stress over what couldve been, chances are if it shouldve been, it wouldve been...
Thank you so much! Yes, I understand feeling like your rambling when talking about it. I do it too and I think maybe it's because trying to stop, really knowing that you're attempting to stop is all so overwhelming. Who have we ever shared this with? I mean, really, honestly told someone we have an addiction and that we need help? I haven't shared this with anyone. And I know this is just online, I obviously have yet to attend a meeting, but it's still difficult to admit I have a problem. Even just typing it out. All I know is something deep, down inside of me wants to stop this behaviour! But I have a battle there. Because something else in me DOESN'T want me to stop.
addiction itself controls us with a power greater then we are. we just need to find the positive higher power to get and stay clean. i'm here to listen when you need me! im in your corner. its the most loving thing you can do for yourself but you cant do it alone...and there are plenty of people in n.a. that will help. i know this for a fact. i love my home group meetings and i miss them now that i moved away but i still have them on my facebook and speed dial and i talk to my friends that way thank god for n.a. i wouldnt have found a new way to live without the meetings. 90 in 90 is how i started and sometimes i would go to 2 or 3 a day when i first got clean becaue i had to get plugged into the program as it was something i had never done and i did exactly what was suggested i do follow the suggestions... because my best thinking got me to the darkest places with no hope...i did try picking and choosing how i was going to work my program and i failed each time. so its been working as long as get out of the way and do it the way the program is done and by the grace of gods will for me it is working. my life is better i still have along way to get what i want but ive got clarity now to know what i dont want my life to be like and its all because of what ive gained from n.a. and this keeps me on the right track one day at a time. i am soo grateful...i pray you find your higher power until then get into the program and do it the way its suggested and it will work for you. god bless you!
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kelly lofquist
Dont stress over what couldve been, chances are if it shouldve been, it wouldve been...
Kellyrae wrote "I feel like i'm less then all the people i grew up with who didnt take the path i did who became successful or had the "normal" life . I don't have anything really...i feel really different when i see what they have and i question my self with "where did my life take such a wrong turn?...etc"
Funny this is that Ive had these same feelings. And I would be discouraged and depressed. Then I applied a conscious Meditation on how to be past those feelings, as I cant go back in the past and change that.
And know what ? I began thinking "what if they are wishing that they had freaked out like Raman and then settled down".
Know what I mean ? They maybe depressed or discouraged that they did not get to do drug experiences, therefore are very "square"..
So I think, to each his/her own. Maybe that is what Karma intended for us in the very first place ???
After all Kelly,, havent you actually felt at times, in those moments when the mind was Silent, that all this is a part of the Greater Design ?
"Thy will be done"
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
I've been told that I am an instrument of my higher power. Getting clean and staying clean has allowed me to help others find a better way of life. There are things in my past I'm not proud of, and with time, I've come to accept them for what they are. The thing is, without these experiences of the past, I could never begin to help other addicts find recovery.
I guess I'm lucky I found recovery when I did. I got clean when I was 25. Even still, I look at friends that I grew up with. One is a podiatrist in Detroit, another is a computer programmer in Rochester, MN. The other is a nurse in Fargo, ND. I had the potential to be anything I wanted. Unfortunately, I chose to use. I have a degree in music, but today I work as a receptionist in a manufacturing plant. It's not glamorous... I don't make the "big bucks," but it pays the bills. The people are decent and it affords me the luxury to do what I want AFTER work. :)
I'm in school now, too, part time. I don't know what I wanna be when I grow up, but the options are limitless!
Life can get discouraging, but that's when the company of other addicts helps me gain some gratitude in my life. It gets ME out of ME!
My old friends who are "successful" never had the experiences I did. Some of them are envious that I was able to explore the world and do the things I did before "settling down." They were stuck at work and with babies at home.
I don't wanna grow up. I've decided I'm not going to, either! I can't take life too seriously or I'll go right back out using again. Have fun, live life, do what you want to do, and most importantly... STAY CLEAN! :)
I'm copying and pasting all of what you have replied into my notepad so I can keep reading them. What you've said is very motivating and encouraging to me.
Glad you're here. I. too. am deeply grateful what NA has given me. I would be dead, in a jail or institution, or still suffering from active addiction if not for NA. Keep coming back!
