And quite frankly I dont want to... I just want to scare the shit out of my son and show his spoiled little ass what real desperation is all about.
Sounds incredibly childish and I'm not acting very parent-like I know but I'm just so damn sick and tired of dealing with his bull. I haven't stopped crying in 4 days. He's been thoroughly re-evaluated and he's not bi-polar nor depressed... he's fricken filled with a warped, over sense of entitlement! He's been yanking my chain with fake sympotoms just to get his way.
He's going to start seeing a special counsellor to try and rework his thought processing and uncover the root of his anger issues but of course he's not happy about it because the gig is up and he's not able to glide through the next 60 years manipulating me or anyone else.
Arrrrrrrrggggggggggggghhhhhhhh!
My husband started on oxy recently and I know I should ask him to hide them but I dont want to.
Just needed to vent and ask you guys to pray that I dont give up on myself.
kd
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"The Greatest Possession We Have is The 24 Hours Ahead Of Us"
"My husband statred on oxy recently and I know I should ask him to hide them but I don't want to." That's a dangerous place to be, especially with your feelings about your son right now. I played that game, and lost. I lost my husband's trust and respect and I hurt his heart more deeply than I can ever repair. I make my amends by trying to earn back his trust and respect one day at a time, clean and sober. He is trying to forgive me but it is hard to explain to him that I didn't take his meds to hurt him or betray him, but beacause I literally couldn't stop myself, even though I wanted to. Because I'm an addict. So now if he gets hurt or needs pain meds of any type, he keeps them away, and that's just fine with me. I hope you have a sponsor you can share with about your anger, hurt and disappointment regarding your son. Your son doesn't have to be happy about anything, he just has to do what you tell him to, as you are the parent. If you try to scare him by you relapsing the one you are going to hurt the most is you. Parenting isn't always easy, and kids don't come with instructions, so it is a trial and error thing at best. If you pick up, what you show him is that when angry, fearful, desperate, hurt, etc. etc., we use to help us deal with it. So just for today, don't pick up. Call your sponsor, go to a meeting, and ask your hubby to put his meds where you can't find them. Pray, and listen, and the next right thing will come to you. Peace
-- Edited by nezyb on Sunday 13th of November 2011 05:49:16 PM
Kitty the point is this; when Im angry, Ive seldom realized that Im being crazy. My mother, strangers, NA friends, fellow musicians have all been on the receiving end of my defects. There's been time sin my recovery when this defect drove me to the wall and had my ass in a sling.
Those were real close shaves. Anger, stress, hurry, bad words, being un-spiritual and being in the wrong company; all this set me up for real trouble. Real close to the edge; relapse, suicide, jail, maiming an death ! (and institutions).
Thank God for God that I survived, a bit wiser about what works and dont !
I never want to be in those bad spaces again, ever. Thank God for the support in NA, I never have to do that insanity again ! Just for today, clean AND serene !
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Dealing with an out of control child is one the hardest things anyone can face. I really feel for you. I also understand that some feelings we have are so intolerable that we throw our lives away just to be rid of them for awhile. I know because i did that. It haunts me to this day. In many ways i am still the same person i was in active addiction. the big difference is that i have a higher power in my life today. When fear and anger...no, RAGE...begin to consume me, i seek a quiet place and pray and meditate. The comfort i receive from connecting to the God of my understanding has changed my life. I no longer need to feel alone or helpless. I can draw peace of mind by tapping into His wisdom and strength. The knowledge ....no, the profound and absolute knowing that my God is ALWAYS available to support me is a corner stone of my life today. Friends, support group, sponsor, all these people i can talk to make my life easier because i don't have to carry all my burdens by myself. There are people who love me and want what's best for me who will make suggestions with only my well being in mind. But ultimately it is God who is the source of all sanity in my life today. Finding Him, gave me a new life. May you find Him or Her soon. Thanks for sharing your pain, your story is very different in the details and particulars, but on the feeling level I know exactly where you are coming from.
Just for today ... pray to your higher power for strength comfort and guidance. If you don't have a higher power in your life, pray for Him/Her to reveal themself to you.
-- Edited by avid on Monday 14th of November 2011 08:36:05 AM
I replied yesterday but don't see it on here and I just said nice things and how my husband enables me, I am praying for you right now and truly hop you are alright! one day at a time or one minute at a time if you have too, (((hugs)))
I Can truly identify.......Be responsible for your own recovery first and foremost,without it all else will dissolve(based on the evidence)I ended up at Nar-Anon to learn how to "detach with love " from my son who was using at 12 ,spent 7 long years with a tremendous heroin addiction and truly tested not only our faith(my wife and I) but my own recovery.God was always on top in all situations,the place I found serenity and sanity..My son now 25 .has been free of active heroin addiction now for since August of 2010 and presenting me with my 27 year coin in a few weeks...You do not have to do this alone and believe me there is always hope......I learned to set boundaries,follow up on them(the hardest thing ever) and know that I can not change anyone but only my own interpretations of how I let situations affect me and apply spiritual principles in all the areas and truly remaining God(of my understanding) centered..Take it in little bits ,communicate your feelings and 'DONT USE!! I know how weary you can get but there is a place you can find peace,,seek that place,make decisions and let your Higher Power take care of results.It is even more difficult when that child is underage,but there is help and when the smoke clears,you may hear,...... thanks for hating my disease(attitudes and behaviors?) but loving me through the devastation,I know I did from both sides of the coin......In prayer and support.
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
Thank you all for your guidence and prayers. I was certainly in anger mode and all over the board emotionally but found my balance again... thanks to my HP. I am still in the danger zone so I'll take that extra care to meditate...
---> And just like that the school has just called to say my son skipped class today... ohh I'm choked, grrrr! ... I was going to say: and ask my hubby to put away the oxy (that'll probably be a who new can of worms when he learns how far gone I'm feeling). Yes, Yes, I will.
I just hate that I'm so darn remote that there's no NA meetings these days... although I was able to google a name & number for a NA coordinator from years ago. I can't imagine a sponsor at this point.... my community is just so small; judgement and family embarassment is just a slip of the tongue away at any given moment.
I'm going now to search for an online meeting and then pray then talk with my son.
Thanks again for all your words of wisdom, experience and hope! kd
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"The Greatest Possession We Have is The 24 Hours Ahead Of Us"
So I finally got the courage to ask my hubby to hide his oxy and his reply: "Not a problem, my prescription ran out and I wasn't planning on refilling it"
At least he gave me kudos for asking him.
Meeting and my son will have to wait until tomorrow.
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"The Greatest Possession We Have is The 24 Hours Ahead Of Us"
You go ahead and sound off here before you make a final decision I do the same shit :) glad your hanging in there it takes that and you got what it takes. keep coming back
