Can You Date In (early) Recovery Without Losing Yourself?

Posted by AshleyD on November 10, 2011 · Leave a Comment 

In my first year of sobriety, it was suggested to me by my sponsor that I write out a list of the qualities that I looked for in a man. Ug!  I did it, of course, and it was a little surprising- surprising because its alway such a shock to realize you arent as evolved as you think you are. My list went a little something like this- tall, dangerous, smart, tattooed, funny, have scars from bullet wounds or stab wounds, good looking, brooding, protective, the kind of man all the men respect and all the women want, with a dark gleam in his eye.

Yep. That was my list. No mention of kindness or generosity, ability to commit, emotionally available, good work ethic, non-judgementalness, not a womanizerthis list really only spoke of stuff on the surface. At the time, I hardly noticed how shallow my list really was. When I called my sponsor back, she said not to bother reading her the list but to consider that everything that I like in a man reflects who I am, either what I want to be or what I am available for. Yikes. Was it true that I was really projecting all these shallow things and wasnt invoking principles, or at the very least available to them?

I dont know the answer to that, as my thinking was, and is, deluded-only now I hope less so, but to claim perfect clarity would mean I had attained sainthood, and as we know, we are not saints. But this was, at that time, the kind of man I was attracting. We truly do get what we broadcast for. And wouldnt you just know it, but these men were not good for my level of serenity.

In a really great book by Clarissa Pinkola Estes called Women Who Run With Wolves, she talks about how we manifest our inner predator in the outside world and go about setting the bait to attract said predator. Not always, but when we are a state of compromised selfhood, you betcha.  We basically create this archetype of a man who will do damage, and then invite him right in. She calls this a Bluebeard. It doesnt mean the man himself is bad, it just means that in the scenario he is going to have with us, we dont give him room to be anything but a predator. We have already set the whole thing up to sabotage ourselves by manifesting, basically, our disease on legs. In relationships with these men, all our abandonment issues will be ignited, our sense of self will diminish, and our Higher Power becomes a secondary consideration. Id even go so far to say that the man becomes our Higher Power. The really funny thing here is that while the man may seem like the emotionally unavailable one, it is really us who are untouchable at that deep and vulnerable level where real love is born from and lives. if we were available, wed be open to available men.

That being said, it isnt true that men suck, which is something you hear a lot from women in recovery, especially in the first five years.  Its our ability to allow ourselves to experience relationships in a healthy way that really sucks. We dont know how to do it. We are still distorted in our perceptions, and when asked to make lists of what we want in a man, we come up with absurd things like tall, or  scars from knife wounds. It would be wise for women to stop blaming men for being how they are. We need to understand we give them little choice. We need to understand we could choose different, and we get what we broadcast for.

When we are healthy, we want health. We dont want anything to diminish us and the balance we have found. Our criteria becomes more about finding someone who will bring something valuable to the table, because we know we are going to do the same. When we are still sick, we seek our own level, and that is probably why it is suggested that we not date in sobriety in the first year. Its not a bad idea, really, but no one listens. When we give up the substances. the first thing we want to do is lose ourselves in something, and the opposite sex (or the same sex, depending) is readily available, and meetings are full of newcomers all looking to lose themselves in someone else. The operative word here is LOSE. We LOSE ourselves. Here we are, trying to find our way, and yet losing ourselves at the same time.

Since Ive established that I am no saint, I dont mind telling you that I did it, I sought comfort in the opposite sex, and now that youve seen my list you know that meetings are a great place to meet my type. Having been there and done that, I can really see why its not a good idea. It would have been so easy to drink or use over any number of scenarios I got myself into. They brought up my deepest insecurities, which I had not yet learned to handle. It hurt! I went through the agony of waiting for the text or phone call, the sleuthing with girlfriends on facebook, trying to discern significance out of his most recent status update, and all of this in my late 30s and early 40s, no less. We truly are like adolescents when we get sober, reliving things we avoided with drinking and using. I didnt know these feelings, the pangs and highs and lows, could be so intense, as I was always able to medicate myself against it, until now. And I came to understand I didnt like it, dont like. Those feelings I thought were love were nothing of the sort, they were romantic obsession and intrigue,which I used to stir up the shit pot and distract me from my path, from my connection to my HIgher Power. My ego/disease had outsmarted me, creating scenarios to lead me astray. It had helped me attract my internal predator externally, so I was sabotaging not only from the outside, but from the inside. We hardly stand a chance against our Opponent! But we do stand a chance, we do.

My list for a mate now is very different. First of all, there really isnt one, because I am whole and complete and happy and I am not looking for anything. But because I am whole, complete, happy, serene, enough just as I am, living by principles- I couldnt really abide someone who didnt bring those same qualities. My criteria is such that my inner gatekeeper is ever alert for good qualities in ALL people, not just men, but in all my relationships. I am looking for the acts of kindness, the lack of judgement, the spiritual element expressed in words and gestures, the principled actions. These are the kinds of people I want to keep close. And the more I look, the more I find it, because the world responds to our intention. I intend to find the best in people and I intend to find miracles every day, and I DO! I do, because what we perceive is our choice, and what we choose is what we get. Its that simple.