Lots of opportunities, lots of love and lots of money. I can accept that quite easily, and dosent usually come back to haunt me.
But the things negative that happened in my recovery, they arise each day to haunt me, taunt me, make me feel un-worthy, wasted etc.
What can I do ?
I wrote about them. I shared them. I found out what defects, if any got me into those spaces in the first place. And then praying, asking for healing and frogiveness and forgettence, have lessened the impact of those very negative incidents.
However, they do still come up, and Im thankful they come up for "burning" . I believe this is the "emotional resolution" of those dark incidents, and when closure occurs, Im freed of it...
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
One of my friends, with about 2o years in recovery has written a book on his experiences in recovery..
When I was reading that this morning, I was thinking how many others have lost much more than me and are still hanging on to their recovery, dreams and destinies !
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
It's hard not to kick ourselves for the costly blunders we made in the past. I know I still go there, but y'know what? not so much. I'm getting at 'stopping to smell the roses" , living in the here and now and feeling blessed for the gifts that i have instead of resentment for those i lost. I know my life is good, I just need to be reminded of it sometimes.
Everything that I've done in my life once where things to strap myself to the whipping post as a worthless failure or puff myself up as the perfect person I thought I was supposed to be. Both views distortions of reality.
I no longer feel like an amoeba, the lowest of the lowest life forms. I no longer feel like I don't deserve Recovery and a better way of life.
I no longer feel like I have to be right all the time because I no longer feel like I have to be perfect.
All of my past has value. The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. I will never forget where I've been and don't try to. But I also don't dwell on past missed opportunities etc. It's wasted energy just as worrying about the future is wasted energy. And both lack of faith. The past is gone, yet is full of learning experiences if I choose to learn and continue growing. The future is beyond my control or ability to see.
How to get to the point of acceptance of Self and put away the chains and pedestals and self flaggelation? Good question. One day at a time. I'm neither as bad or as good as my self-centered mind wants to believe.
Recovery and Life is a Journey not a destination. Living each day to the best of my ability. Continually evalulating, taking personal inventory of strengths and weaknesses, working for progress not perfection. We seek progress not perfection, that's a biggy for me.
I have no answers. I seldom know the question anymore. And it's ok.
Today I am Clean, today I start my day on this forum, today I thank my Higher Power for another day to experience the Journey of Life and Recovery. I ask my HP for nothing except to help me be the best I can be today.
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Work the Steps or Die MF. (My Friend :) Clean One Day At a Time by The Grace of God through The Power of NA
I try to remember that all of life, all of being alive -- is a gift. Even the unpleasant parts, the "bad" parts are waking me up to love and life -- if in a negative way by showing me what the lack of mindfulness can do to us.
The first year it was definitely harder to cope with "living life on life's terms" -- the old habits I had to self soothe in unhealthy ways were gone. True, that immediate gratification was not there. But like most immediate gratification it has a bigger cost, and frequently in the area attempted to be soothed in the first place.
I found sitting meditation really helped with that. For me, the quiet spiritual presence that is under everything, seeing everything, accepting everything and remaining absolutely the same center as has always been -- those kinds of perceptions or awakenings helped me see the normal monkey mind drama as something more like clouds passing than standing on an immovable mountain.
EVERYTHING is temporary. Be present for it, as it's a brief flash of happenings!
Im more especially reminded that Meditation is the True Gift, on this date 11/11/11 and Meditated at 11 mins and 11 seconds ! Im feeling truly blessed !
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
