Sometimes I have an experience that I dont understand;like the recurring anger with my mother.

Today was another instance of meaningless anger with her. There I am enjoying a holiday with my daughter and then we decide to watch TV with ma. Maybe the serial we were watching brought up anger, or maybe it came from unresolved issues but the next thing you know, there's a flare up. I become abusive, as I always am when very angry, in fact hateful.

I was trying to discuss how uncomfortable I am doing my music regularly in a bar. This morning , when I shared that with my daughter, I felt a Great Serene Prescence.

But in the afternoon, doing the same share with my mother leaves me feeling angry and frustrated. Why ? These are senseless act, dangerous to my recovery and also to my daughters emotinal well-being because she's watching this mad drama. The main issue here is how I feel ma is not listening and when I express that she says she is but all her actions say otherwise, including getting up abruptly and walking away. And the reason Im trying to share all this with her is in the hope of getting some good input or at least a patient hearing.

I feel I am not being heard. The worse thing is the feeling of being trapped in this relationship. I havent been like 99 percent of the population and either seperated from ma long ago or put her in an old age home.

What vexes me most is she has never been emotionally supportive and Ive still got to house her after all these years...

Moreover, I resent her for having come in between me and meaningful relationships I may have with women who were mutually attractive. 

In the beggining my mother was in my life because she was my mother. Then in my teens, she was supportive of my music so I stayed.

Later on in active addiction, she was there to guide, coax, threaten me away from it. Most of all she wanted to control me so that I control my using.

Then in recovery she stayed because she was a carer in terms of making food and we also ran a child day care center together for many years. But as we grew along different lines, she an everyday, commonsense person and me grounded in the 12 Step Tradition, we had more conflicts.

Then I got married and needed my mothers support because my wife was, unknown to me an epileptic and later invalid and dysfunctional. When our daughter was born, my mother took complete charge and brought up my baby. She met all my baby's need for mother, I think.

Then my father died and my mother gave up any claims on the property he left me and my brother, and so in consideration, I kept her with me.

Then a long drawn seperation and eventual divorce proceedings became a reality and my mother stood by me. She brought up my daughter as would a mother, and I was free to go out and earn my living. In continuation, when the court granted me sole custody of my baby, my mother gave up all else and cared for my daughter. This was more appreciated by me when I went to England to do my masters. At this same time, my new apartment was being built and ma was very involved in it too.

Then when it was completed, ma was very supportive, and it was very necessary she be so, especially as I was doing the very painful and tiring hep.c treatment.

Now all that said and done, having gone thru all that and now settled in the new house and ok am I holding my mother back from her spiritual development ? Am I commiting the sin of blocking her growth ?

My mother comes from a very alcoholic family. Her father and two elder brothers died from the sufferings of alcohol. Her five sisters are the strangest lot; unsupportive, invariably quarrelsome and disconnected. Then my father, though not an alcoholic, drank everyday.In the last years of his life, he neglected my mother and she had become indifferent to him. My younger brother and I caused havoc again, he with alcoholism and me with addiction and later emotionalism. And her daughter-in-law was problematic too as has her neices and nephews. 

I still have a lot of trouble accepting all of that.

So now the question is, am I blocking her spiritual development ?

Most important realization  of all has been that my mother, though having never even used so much a drop of alcohol or any other substance, comes across as a drama addict. Many times have I been an actor in that, leaving me in pain, confusion and frustrationcreasing by the years and . Sharing with other addicts kept me from going completely insane. The instances have been decreasing. Now though very rare, angry psycho-dramas as really upsetting for me. Ive escaped the acting many times but when I do act out, it leaves me and others completely devsatated.....

Many times have I tried to reckon a reason for these angry instances. Most of the time, nothing has been revealed, leaving it an unresolved, mad outburst. At times these instances have lead to me doing more Step work. But at other times, it lead to other actions that were not in my best interests.

It was once suggested to me to take another look; experiences that dont make sense, as well as any that we regret, are just as responsible for the good things in our lives as the experiences we do understand or label as good.

This is especially important to me now as Im again directionless and unsure of what to do. It is often at times like these that Ive made hard decisions and I think what's in the offing has been burning and brewing for sometime now.

Basically Im sick and tired of playing music in these bars on a regular basis. It dosent seem appropriate anymore. Its not about playing music; it's about who Im playing for and where ? Does it really make sense for a recovering addict to actually do these acts 5 nights a week, for months on end, surrounded by a culture that has alcohol and party drugs and partying as its main theme ? 

One of my aims is to do more recovery music and indeed do more recovery things. Among other things, Id first of all like to do more home-group meetings and service. Then theres the upcoming area Convention early next year, of which Im hospitality chair.

And as instructed by the class teacher, Im going to have to spend more time in the evenings with my daughter as she struggles with a large syllabus for her high school exams. I also want to do some lecturing on events management in colleges here, thereby utilizing my Masters degree. And taking music classes is another thing Ive been postponing for long now.

Thers also been very many requests to share individually in treatment centres. Then theres that bit of travelling Id like to do with visitors.

Im hoping God will take care, of my needs and give me one off events and give me enough income to support my fmily. It'd be fab to have other recovering addict to play music with.

And in voicing my concerns and fears to my mother I come up against a blank wall of pain, frustration, disappointment and confusion and am deciding never to repeat this mistake, just for today !

I decide to share emotions and problems with recovering addicts. My daughters got good ears for me too, as do professional people.