I'm 34 y.o., had a very bad opiate addiction, went to detox 2/20/11 and have endulged myself in this NA program. I have learned soooo much over these months and am finally almost happy with everything, except my non-addict husband.
My husband is the love of my life, we've been together since high school (except the 5 yr break we both took) and we just got married in Nov. of 2010. He loves me unconditionally (obviously he's stuck it out with me through this) but he is starting to complain about attending my homegroup mtgs on the weekends. He says I've traded my opiate addiction in for an NA addiction UGH! but this program has saved my life.
He's a hard working man, he supports his family, but he has no ambition to enjoy life at all. He works, sleeps, eats, and repeat. On the weekends he plays his World of Warcraft game for hours and he usually sits and watches a movie/show with me. But that's it.....Our son, who's 16, and I enjoy the same music, but my husband is stuck in the 90's....he doesn't try new music or anything and it frustrates me as music is something I truely enjoy. Therefore, my son and I go see artists all the time without him as he calls it all garbage, etc etc
I have finally found GOOD quality friends in the mtgs and I enjoy spending time with them. I've tried to get him to go with me to meetings but he refuses (long story on why he doesn't like NA, which i'll get into later)
I'm so deathly afraid that we are growing apart and it saddens me....I feel soooo lost
This is a common problem; I've faced it. I don't have any easy answers. The bottom line is that you need to go to meetings regularly to stay clean. If that's important to your husband, he should be able to understand. Would he rather have you using drugs again or attending some NA meetings? You really just need to talk to him about it. He doesn't have to understand what NA is all about, nor does he have to go to meetings, but he needs to understand that NA is important to you.
NA is not an addiction. It is true that people can spend a lot of time--perhaps too much--going to meetings and being involved in NA. When you are new in the program, it is definitely appropriate to immerse yourself in NA (90 meetings for the first 90 days is a common slogan). After you've been going to meetings for a while and feel comfortable in your recovery, you can begin to cut back to make room for other things in your life, but keeping in mind that your recovery has to be top priority (first things first). This is an issue to talk to your sponsor about. In my recovery, I have had to manage the competing demands of wife, job, children, etc. I found a level of NA participation and attendance that works me. Balance is important here.
Yeah. balance is key. Our literature speaks of the need for it. It's hard for non addicts to understand our actions both in and out of active addiction. But there is more going on here than him just not 'getting' your need to go to meetings. It sounds like you are on different wavelengths and this is a threat to your marriage. It's a sad but true fact that after an addict gets clean, there former relationships do suffer. Divorce is not uncommon in the rooms. My marriage got very shaky after i got clean. Now it is very good. Actually, better than ever. A major factor is that my wife to al anon and nar anon...eventually settling in al anon. She is working the steps in that program, goes to meetings, and does service. We now speak a similar language, and can communicate in program terms. Yes, the programs are different but they are both spriitual and 12 step based, so there is much common ground. It saved our marriage and actually strengthened my recovery. Maybe if he would go to al anon or nar anon, he might meet people that HE can relate to. It could be a win win. Good luck to you, and please let us know how you are doing.
This is a family disease, and our addiction doesn't stop just at us. Unfortunately our families need help and support, as well... but we can't force it on them, either. Just like us, they have to find the need themselves. Al-Anon or Nar-Anon would be fantastic, but in all reality they think the problem lies just in us.
It's a proven fact that if the family doesn't get help, the addict is more prone to a relapse. The old ways of dealing with things at home just will not work.
Our families will often feel slighted because of our meeting attendance. It happens. All we can do is remind them that it's for the best. Each of us needs meetings, but the quantity varies from person to person. I started out with 1 a week (plus an out-patient program 3 days a week) and now I'm at 3 a week with 4 years clean. Go-figure.
Find out what's healthy for you and the rest will fall into place.
Al-Anon or Nar-Anon would be fantastic, but in all reality they think the problem lies just in us.
I don't know where you got this from Amanda. I can tell you that I had this as a fear when my wife first started going. She came home one night and said "i'm not going to be your enabler anymore" I thought our marriage was doomed. but as she began to work the 12 steps she discovered, as I did, that she is powerless to change others, and that her problems can be solved only by changing HER actions. All she has power over are her own actions and perceptions. She began to incorporate spiritual principles in her life, as well. Patience, tolerance and yes, honesty , open mindedness , and willingness. She learned, as we do, that we can only change ourselves, and that is where our peace lies. I don't know who in your life has been going to al anon, but if they insist that YOU are the problem, then they are missing the point, or perhaps just haven't gotten it yet.
Hmmm, that didn't come out right. It should have read something along the lines of unless they get help for themselves, they will continue to view us as the problem. Al-Anon and Nar-Anon are great, if you can get them to actually step foot in one...
When I got into recovery, my family continued to view ME as the sole problem, despite the treatment center's insistence on it being a "family disease" and that they needed help as much as I did. The famous phrase, "I don't have a problem, she's the one who's an addict!" comes to mind. To this day, none of them ever sought help, much to my insistence. They still want to "fix" me, saying I need to:
Go to church
Lose some weight
Clean up your house (though it's pretty clean...)
"You don't have supper on the table when your husband gets home from work?!"
Buy a new car - it's stupid that you two share one vehicle
"You're too busy with those damn meetings to come over and spend time with us" (and hear them lecture about how I'm f**king up in some area of life)
"Come over here and help me bottle this wine."
"You didn't have a problem with alcohol, just smoking pot!" (despite the fact that I would drink alone, to excess... but it's LEGAL, so it's okay...)
So I limit my time with them. They're sick. They will continue to be sick until they find help. But I can't do it for them.
I've just heard over and over that in the beginning, it's difficult for families to adjust to this new way of life. Some of them never do...
-- Edited by amanda56258 on Wednesday 19th of October 2011 09:56:03 AM
