I would like to try and keep this short but I feel it is neccasary to give some history in order to get a fair assessment..
I am 29 y/o, and in my early 20s for about 4 years I had a bad benzo addiction, and until i lost a friend & hit my own rock bottom, I got myself clean..
fast foward a year and half of sobriety, through a mutual friend me and my now boyfriend had met. we hit it off rather quickly in conversation.. and talked for like 3 hours that night, through out the conversation he brought up cocaine.. so it really killed the whole connection, and i told him of my experience and than let him know I couldnt be with anyone that does drugs, in fear of relapsing.. he understood, we exchanged phone numbers anyway and remained friends..
we hung out a few times (strictly as friends) we had alot of fun together, he never hid his present percocet addiction, or even his past heroin addiction, which I had to respect him for atleast being honest. Anyway one night after a year and some months of being just friends.. one thing led to another, and we ended up hookin up.
I brushed it off as if it didnt matter, and throughtout the week of talking to him I reminded him atleast 3 times that I could not under any circumstance be with anyone that does drugs.. and he kept telling me that he would stop. right away I called bullshit, after a few times of him trying to convince me i actually started believing him.
I bet you can all guess what happend through out the next 6 months of our relationship.. if someone said LIES and a million of them, than yes you guessed right!
being a recovering addict myself, I did understand how long it can take someone to get clean, etc.. so i was very understanding through the process. I was always right there beside him supporting him through the withdrawal after withdrawal after withdrawal, since he now was a spiratic user instead of a daily user. this went on for a good month and a half to 2 months before he finally got "clean". somewhere in here I got to meet a more sober person, which i soon fell in love with, but than between the things I would find, and his mood changes, his appearance, etc. i knew he was still geting high. and I would simply ask if he was on anything, he of course looked me in my eyes and lied.. and not wanting to badger him I would accept his words until there was undenialble proof before I would accuse him of getting high.. and there was more times like that than I can even count! but of course now im emotionally involved, etc. its hard to give up on him at this point.
and it would be the same thing over and over I would be hurt, and he would cry and tell me how sorry he was and promise to never lie to me again..
my sadness with him came from his lies, not because of his addiction. but he of course continued to lie.
at the present moment, one night things ended up getting pretty ugly between us, and it continued until the next day. and at this moment I am done! I didnt want to fight with him. I didnt want to talk things through, because I am finally giving up! So I went over to his parents house to collect the few things I kept there for overnight stays. I didnt argue, I didnt talk, I was pretty shut down in my demeanor, got all of my stuff and left.as he sat there sorta confused.
later on through out the day (without all the details) he was texting me off and on. where he begins to tell me how he is in the city alone and depressed and just shot up heroin.. At this point I am exhausted to no end of being there for him, and trying to help him.. but I do love him.. so I went over to his parents house with the intention on telling them everything about thier sons' drug addictions. he ended up coming home and I gave him the choice of telling them himself, or I would.. so he of course chose telling on himself, and now bc of that he is in a very nice rehab.. and he was very thankful towards me "for trying to help save his life" which I think might be a good sign that this might work?
I dont want to leave him with no one as he's trying to better himself right now, and I know at this time hes fragile in his recovery and I cant bombard him with how much i am hurt from all of this, which leaves me feeling tense, etc. its very frustrating emotionally for me. I dont know how to go about handling this situation. how do I help our relationship without putting a damper on his recovery? but i am just personally exhausted over never being able to address my own issues and hurts because they always take back seat with his addiction driving the car. but I feel this rehab might be the answer and hell get way more support, etc, that he'll need to reach sobriety, and will hopefully maintain sobriety after this. I would like to continue to support him and stick it out a little bit longer, so if you were ever "like" my boyfriend what would you need from me? or any other advice that you can offer towards this situation? I'd appreciate all the help I can get. thank you.
Hi Tara,, hard but wise choices to be made honey !!!!!
"We need to stay emotionally detached in order to be effective" says the Basic Text. And yes, we carry the message to the addict that still suffers, but never individually, only as part of a group.
If I were asked by you what the right course of action would be; detach, now ! (DETACH, NOW).. That's the only way forward and I share that insight from my own hard won experiences in relationships.
That said, detachment dosent mean abandonment, in fact you may be the only link to recovery your guy's got. But the need of the hour is positive regard; which boils down to being a caring friend and point out meetings, recovering people etc.
Abstinence is the thing, and in order to pass on this message, Im Never Alone !(NA).
Take care and all the best in life and love to you and recovery hugs !
"complete and continous abstinence, in close association and identification with others in NA groups is the best ground for growth"
(Ive also shared a lot of my own personal recovery in the post called "inequeality in relationships" in this forum; Id love you to read it and tell me what you think)
-- Edited by Raman on Wednesday 12th of October 2011 05:17:51 AM
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
This may be hard for you hear, but you asked for my experience so here it is. Nothing you do is going to get him clean or keep him clean. Let me say it again in different words. It doesn't matter weather you stay with him or not, he will find recovery when he is ready, or not find it, and it doesn't matter what you do. So my suggestion to you is to do what is best for you. Take care of yourself. and remember...in step one we admit that we are powerless over our addiction and our life has become unmanageable. That means we surrender to the disease...it beats us everytime. so we don't hang out with people in active addiction, we don't go to places where drugs are being used. We stay clean one day at a time by surrounding ourselves with healthy people and make healthy choices. It's not untill we finish step 12 that we are encouraged to reach out and help the still suffering addict. There is a reason for that. Be well, and please.....keep coming back.
We are powerless over addiction (ours AND theirs) and our lives are unmanagable.
It's so hard to feel powerless over the problems of ones we love. But we are. You can not fix him, only a higher power can do that.
Addicts need to find that on their own. Anything that they can hang onto may prevent them from really going all in on their recovery. We will say a prayer for both of you.
i need an answer, can a person on suboxone (buprenorphene) work the steps with a sponsor what is na's stance on this very sensitive issue going on in some areas like baltimore
i agree with raman and the others. its not abandonement we run only our own programs so i suggest tell him how you feel and do what you must to take care of you. staying i think you should start a new post...about this issue, but i think na is about the desire to stop using to becoming a member the rest will follow if you do the suggested actions with a sponsor. hand it over to your higher power and see where it leads you.
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kelly lofquist
Dont stress over what couldve been, chances are if it shouldve been, it wouldve been...
