I Am Alive Who Would Have Thought?

I come here to speak only of Gratitude of a new life that Ive been able to find through doing the things that have been asked of me. I come here never thinking that a Junkie like myself would be able to have another Chance at Recovery.

Almost 2 1/2 years ago when my Sister Marie Died in February, I thought my life had ended. It was me that was suppose to die, not her. I didnt understand how someones health could just go so so fast. I still have no understanding. She died in February like I said, I knew I was on the verge of breaking. I was making music videos and I never realized until later how I could see myself in those Videos asking for help. Knowing that I was about to try it all again, to cover the pain of her death.

In May of 2009 I think it was I walked down a few blocks to Caseys Convenient Store to buy just one 6 pack of bud Bottles. I walked back home and I sat there. I even took a picture of me drinking the first drink. I had no clue what was in store for me at the time. As the night went on, and from another picture of 4 beer bottles stacked on my entertainment center top in a pyramid fashion (which I dont remember) I had already lost of my mental facilities that I had acquired. I had just given up 26 or 28 months of continuous sobriety.

I dont remember much of that at all, all I remember is that I was already up for days, shooting dope into my veins. I dont even remember still to this day going and scoring it, or where I would have even been able to get it.What how could this have happened to me. Or did I already relapse in Lincoln Nebraska where I remember trying to get high but I didnt?

I was on a roll, a roll of the life that I remember telling a friend (girl) that I just wanted to be able to use this summer, live the life that I like and than sober up. God can take me than.

Well that summer came and went. And the fall and the winter came again after that. Another summer? WTF! I was trapped. I had no way out. What was it going to take. Than I was using with my kids! OMG this has to stop! But how, I have tried to stop, I cant.

August 18, 2010 using only pot to kill the pain that I live with daily. Off of meth now, but I cant use pot anymore no matter how painful my body is. Tempting to use, but just hanging on.

I was told to do a timeline of my using. I remember looking at the instructions sitting on my table during the summer of 2010 saying whatever, how can this help. Well one day, I was looking at it, and I picked it up, with a pen in my hand and started to write it out.

When I used, what I used, and the consequence of the use. I could than see how it just kept getting worse and worse. I had no where left to go but up. I had to stop.

I dont have a lot of meetings, not physically able to go. So I continue to do the Internet websites, trying to be there for others, trying to be of service to others, trying to learn how to live from the people who I can have contact with even though I dont see or talk to them? Is it possible.

Attitude up and down like a roller coaster from helldeleting sites on purpose sometimes when I would just get so mad. Than I thought maybe I should get back on my medication that I am suppose to be on for my depression. I did not wanting to but I did. Than I heard from a good friend on line that she was going to do her meditations each morning before she got on the computer. I thought to myself, yeah what a brilliant idea! So I started that next morning to do what she said she was doing.

Still to this day, I have my coffee, cigarettes, and my Personal Time with my HP whomever it is I dont try and analyze anymore, I just accept that there is some force that is within me for the good. I have ruined many relationships this time around, I have asked for forgiveness and just try and not repeat the same things again.

I wouldnt trade it for anything today. My life today is something that I just keep being more amazed with each and everyday. My health, I dont talk much about anymore, I am just very blessed to be alive. IM ALIVE AND I AM A JUNKIE!

Thanks for allowing me to share!