Wow... I haven't been on so much lately because I decided to make my world right again and had to switch over to some live counselling.  My son is still bringing me to my knees but alas!!  17 years of sobriety is here!!!!  Yeah me! 

This has been the most agonizing year ever but I made it... I can't believe it but I can... does that make sense?  My son had another melt down just 3 nights ago... I was at my wits end... I cried and cried... at one point I got mad at him because I had to be an adult, a parent, a responsible person and I couldn't go out and loose myself because of him??! How twisted is that?  I mean I never said that to him but that's what was running around in my head.

Then I flipped over and suddenly recalled that tragically one of my son's friends from school had taken his life just a week earlier.  Nothing but despair at the end of a crack filled night was all this poor boy could find and here I was thinking about myself... Oh my God!  The Celebration of his Life was just the day before and my son came to me and cried in my arms as he mourned the loss of his friend and here I was upset that my son was having a really, really crappy day and I had to deal with it. 

I have never realized the extent of my selfishness until now and I'm utterly ashamed and astonished that I never saw it before.... uuugh!  Of course I'm also in awe of how I'm still growing in my recovery... I laugh when I think of how many times I thought I was 'over this' ... so naive!  And on that note, I'll keep on truckin'.

Thank You God and friends of this message board for simply listening.

kd