About one month ago everything came crashing down. The story is not new. Secretly using, got in legal trouble, everything comes out, blah blah blah.
What I thought was different was that I had lived most of my life without a drug problem. My addiction kicked in 4 years ago (I am now 46). So when everything crashed I thought, well I am not a lifer at this, so it will be easy to stay clean now.
This morning I was just going about my business. Nothing really special. I went into my den to start my laptop and as I sat down I was overcome with desire to use. I realized why. It was a normal routine during which I had been using for the past several years. A cup of coffee and a morning buzz.
So as I sat there I found myself looking in my old hiding place for any left over/forgotten stash. Nothing found, thankfully.
But this is sad. I figured after it all fell apart, the fact that my life is nearly destroyed would be enough. After risking everything and possibly losing it all (still to work itself out), how the heck could I be looking to do more of this evilness.
As I sit here typing this out to really nobody in particular, except maybe myself, I am sad for all I have done and now sadder that I have the capability to do it again. Have I lost all my power and strength to control my actions? How is that possible?
Have I lost all my power and strength to control my actions?
Yes.
That's why we call the first step "surrender" You can't expect to confront your addiction and win. It will kick your ass everytime. So we surrender to it...We realize that only a power greater than ourselves can free us from this horrible disease.
That power is the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous. We go to meetings, two or three a day if need be. We get phone numbers and we CALL those numbers. whenever we feel like using and any other time connection with another recovering addict would benefit us. We get a sponsor, call that person daily and work the steps. We pray. Invoke a spiritual entity to do for you what you cannot do for yourself.
It is so hard, I know. But when we realize that we are powerless over our addiction and live our lives recognizing our powerlessness, then paradoxically we begin to overcome it's hold on us.
thanks for sharing this. It's very powerful stuff.
Mornin Garyg.......Yes we are told that 'we do recover from a seemingly hopeless state of body and mind"CONTINGENT UPON(BASED) ON A FIT SPIRITUAL CONDITION,A DAILY REPRIEVE ACCOMPLISHED BY BEING GUIDED BY OUR HIGHER POWER AND APPLYING SPIRITUAL PRINCIPLES IN OUR ACTIONS AND DEEDS AND THOUGHTS OF OUR LIVES.As addicts,we all can be one bad decision away from renewing our pain.The disease is 'INSIDIOUS" THAT MEANS LURKING,SNEAKY, LAYS IN WAIT, OVERTAKES BEFORE WE ARE AWARE!! STAY AWARE BY REMAINING IN THE SOLUTION, OUR STEPS AND BEING PART OF OUR PROCESS NARCOTICS ANONYMOUS..These feelings will come, but by staying vigilante you will see it coming and know how to do the work to stay clean.I have been clean for quite a few cups of coffee and just a couple weeks ago I had a dream I was sharing at a meeting and I had just got done using(sharing clean and living dirty)It was very unusal for me, but when I woke up it was ever so evident the monster always wants us back,we do the work to keep it away!!..Thanks for sharing and helping us today!!
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
Gary - just a few days ago, you were struggling with accepting the fact that you are powerless over your addiction, and I think perhaps you've now experienced the realization that you are, in fact, powerless. The first step is the most important - I work on it almost daily. Without that acceptance, the rest of the steps just aren't enough. It doesn't matter that you were late in life to your addiction, just like for me it doesn't matter that I occasionally had spurts of using that I coudn't control. When the life chips are down, my instinct is to use to cover what I'm feeling. We can reason that we shouldn't want to use, due to the mess addiction has made of our lives, but underneath that, still lives the inexplicable craving to use anyway.
My sponsee said to me the other day that she wishes she could go back to drinking and using sensibly. I told her "I may want to be a size six with perky boobs again, but it's never gonna happen!" Point is, accepting how we are, is paramount to sobriety.
Keep Coming Back! Don't beat yourself up, the most natural thing in the world is for an addict to think about using. The Miracle is any addict staying Clean! Give yourself a break, we didn't become addicted in one day and it takes time for not using be become a somewhat natural state. Surrender is the key to the NA program working, surrender to the disease to Win. Not power over it in and of yourself (myself) but by the Grace of a God of my Understanding through the Power of the NA Program Recovery is possible One Day at a Time. Recovery is a Journey, not a destination. 30+ years and the Journey that is Recovery Clean continues. It Works if you work it, maybe trite but true.
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Work the Steps or Die MF. (My Friend :) Clean One Day At a Time by The Grace of God through The Power of NA
Wanting to use drugs comes natural for us addicts. I still think about using from time to time after 26 years of being clean, though I have really had a strong urge to use for a long time. Keep coming back!
I've come to realize the want and desires of using never goes away. You just have to bite through. It's a mental addiction that CAN consume you if you don't find the strength to keep going! For me, I'm personally not a religious person so honestly that's not there for me. What is, is the desire to find others who know how I feel.
I did pills for about a year. Not even in ANY form of an okay way. But I did. I have scars to prove it. I didn't want to stop at first, but once my system was cleaned out the first time, I wrote down the pros and cons to being clean.
This time around, during my Detoxification, I looked back over these notes. Now with a little bit better head because I wasn't just torn away. Now I'm happy. I found a lot of people here who don't use either. But I'm sure they know the fears and complications that arise with a relapse, so I'm staying clean... mostly because my kids and new found friends of NA believe I can. But its a never ending battle. Trust me, there's days where I'm itching to get my hands on that little round pill that I had so much before. But I'm glad I'm in a whole new place where access is completely denied. So relapsing is a bit complicated!!
yeah,, sometimes we need to bit the bullet buddy..
"goddamn all these cliches" you maybe thinking (Id have though like that) but the fact is that's all there is to it..
An oldtimer once shared this Wisdom in relation to the desire, obssession, the craving to use; "Well sometimes you just cant stop a crow from crapping on your head, but you sure can stop it from building a nest there"
Another Wisdom says, "if you hang around a barbers shop, you'll sooner or later ask for a cut too".
Addiction psychologists have discovered a mechanism called "euphoric recall" which the Basic Text NA explains in the lines "we tend to remember only the good drug experiences"
Most importantly, the Three Great Wisdoms for recovery are changing people, playgrounds and playthings. Stay away from using buddies and people, go to meetings stead of old hangouts and find new pastimes like service, writing, talking with sponsor and close association with NA members, Pray and Meditate.
It is also important to remember that the time to call ones sponsor or NA friends is when the urge is pon us,,, call before and not after using.
Thanks be to Higher Power that Ive not had a driving obssession to use in all my years in NA. Thoughts that may come are like that fab car or that terrific chick I encounter in my daily life,, here now and then gone,,, wanting to possess, but then back to reality...
Im greatful that NA promises me freedom from active addiction and that I, an addict, never have to use again, no matter what, just for today !!!!
-- Edited by Raman on Monday 15th of August 2011 01:33:38 AM
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
I've come to realize the want and desires of using never goes away.
NA makes only one promise "...Any addict can stop using drugs, loose the desire to use, and find a new way of life"
It is absolutely true. You CAN lose the desire to use...I did and so have thousands of others. The key is surrender...Let go of the fight..you can't fight the disease, it will beat you. By continuing the fight you keep dancing with the disease....
Give up the fight.... embrace the fellowship. come to beleive that a power greater than you can restore you. Turn you will over to God. Accept that you can never use successfully, and you be free to find that new way of life.
