Ok, being new to this and without a sponsor I am just trying to dig around for information and understanding.
I look at Step 1, "We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable" and see two very strong words that when I think about truthfully, I can't say I subscribe to that right now.
"Powerless": So I am powerless over my addiction. To what extent? Yes my life came crashing down because of my addiction. And yes I had looked into stopping several months before, with no real success. So to some level, I understand it had a power over me that was stronger than my power over it. But I guess I am not sure about being completely powerless.
I have lived my life being responsible for my own actions. Never have I placed blame on someone else for anything that I had a role. Even if I had the slightest possibility in changing the outcome or influincing others, I took a portion of responsibility for any negative results.
But now to begin this journey into recovery, I have to become powerless over something. It just feels like, and please don't take offense for those that have fully given themselves to this, like a bit of a copout. That is just how it feels for me and how I lived my life and owned my actions.
"Unmanageable": What does this even mean to say my life is unmanageble. I clearly made some very bad choices and that has led to risking everything and losing many things already. So is it then to say that because I could not manage everything in my life to "success" and experienced failure because I have an addiction and let it get hold of me, that my life is unmanageble?
What about people that don't have an addiction? A large population of our society simply make bad decisions nearly every day of their lives, and these people don't have a drug problem. Many may not posess the proper knowledge, others lack motivation, some yet can't handle many obligations at one time (just too overwhelming), and even others simply don't want to. So all of these people end up down paths leading to great failure. Is their life unmanagebale too?
I think I am having far more trouble understanding the context of unmanageable then I am of powerless. But both are clearly obsticle words for me.
hey Gary - honestly, this is why having a sponsor is so important. You shouldn't work the steps solo. in the meantime, I'll share some stuff with you, but you MUST find a sponsor.
POWERLESS: Unable to produce an effect, unable to control, helpless and without authority. Inept, inadequate, weak & ineffective.
For me, I was powerles over my want to use to escape how I felt or what was going on in my life. knee-jerk reaction to stress, was drink or use. I couldn't control that feeling. I was weak in the face of everything in my life. I was powerless.
UNMANAGEABLE: Difficult or impossible to control, use or manipulate. Chaotic, crazy, disorderly, undisciplined & turbulent.
For me, the repercussions of my using reulted in a foggy mind, which resulted in me making terrible decisions about my life. I lost my job, my home and my children.
I think you should stop comparing yourself to 'normal' people who make bad decisions and screw their life up. They are different from us. If you're truly an addict, you'll hide behind any excuse to help yourself believe that you're just like everyone else. You have to completely give yourself to this simple program, in order to increase your chances at successfully being sober.
here's another goodie...
ADMITTED: Confess, acknowledge, recognized, revealed. To mkae an admission of; to concede as valid or true.
Hang in there, keep going to meetings - you'll spot a sponsor if you keep your eyes and ears open!
Hey Garyg! I totaly agree with Rhivenn, self sponsorship is not our best way to move forward but I understand you are trying to learn about some things.
Powerless-any driving force in our lives that is out of control, drugs, food,sex, gambling,selfcenteredness,and compulsive behaviors that we cant seem to stop doing.
unmanageability 2 kinds outward /inward
outward- obvious simply jails,institutions,deriliction or death(meaning also mentally and spiritually)goes deeper but you get the drift.
inward-unhealthy or untrue beliefs about ourselves,the world we live in and people in our lives..
it is true when things we do that seem positive(for me example; running marathons,drumming in a band,getting a black belt in martial arts,doing service at church etc)we call them goals When we do things that are negative(robeeries,shooting dope,hurting others etc) we call them defects or shortcomings..
WE ARE POWERLESS WHEN ANY DRIVING FORCE IN OUR LIVES IS OUT OF CONTROL.UNMANAGEABILITY THE OUTWARD EVIDENCE OF OUR POWERLESSNESS.
We didnt get in this jam overnite,so we say easy does it. continue to go inside ,with the guidance of God(of your understanding) a sponsor,step meetings,regular meetings,honesty ,"openmindedness" and willingness,..I can feel your fervor for the recovery process,keep it simple,pray,continue to show up and listen for a sponsor,more is always revealed!! peace
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
One of the things I did early on was to look for the differences I saw, not the similarities. My life was in shambles, my spouse of 26yrs was ready to kick me out, I couldn't function without drinking or using, and if I did try, I was absolutely and completely miserable and made everyone else's life a living hell because that's how I felt. I had not lost anything yet,(except my sense of self and all hope). I hadn't gotten a DUI, hadn't gone to jail, still had my home, my husband, my kids. Maybe I wasn't really and alcoholic/addict. I too had a problem with the powerless idea, as I could and did try to manage everyone and everything in my life to my satisfaction, and it worked just fine, thank you very much. So that meant I was powerful, not powerless, right? The problem was, my reality was so far away from the truth that it wasn't even funny. It was difficult for me to see, as for all intents and purposes, I considered myself a successful, contributing citizen of our society. I had a job, I had a home, a car, money, etc. . Too bad it was all window dressing. I began my journey as a result of an ultamatim from my spouse. If I was going to continue to kill myself, I had to leave, without my special needs young adult son. He would no longer watch me and/or allow me to subject our son to my bad choices and behavior. So I signed up for treatment and began attending meetings. Until I wanted recovery for myself, I could not admit my powerlessness. I could stay sober for a month or two, then I would use again. Until this last time, just a couple of months ago. I finally completely and truly surrendered. I am powerless over my addiction. Once I start using, it takes a hold of me and does not want to let go. The world and the consequences be damned!!! Along with the literature such as the NA white book, the blue book, and literature from another fellowship, one of my best resources is a dictionary. I am learning that many words I thought I knew the meaning of I really don't. I am also learning that with the 12 steps, the support of a sponsor to work them with, the fellowships I have found, and most importantly, a power greater than myself, I can live a better life than I ever imagined, one day at a time. I will pray that you can find this too. Good luck. Peace.
Surrender is the key to winning in Recovery. Until I accepted and fully surrendered that I was and am and always will be an addict, that I was and am and always will be powerless over of the disease of addiction, and that my life had become unmanageable the NA Program could not work and become a part of my life.
My best thinking got me here. I could not stay Clean for any length of time on my own or through treatment centers or or religion or jails. The NA Program has worked for me to stay Clean for over 30 years and I've seen it working in the lives of hundreds of thousands of Recoverying addicts, One Day at a Time. The Truth is in the results, not what I think or like about the NA Program.
KISS. The rest is mental masturbation.
If you are like us, one is too many and a thousand never enough. By the Grace of a God of my understanding by the Power of the NA Program I never have to use again if I don't want to, and it works and continues to work for me for over three decades.
Not getting loaded is easy, don't use no matter what. Recovery on the other hard is Simple, which is not to say Easy. The Steps are the roadmap. Not the Steps I think I like or happen to agree with, all of them. My best thinking got me here, the NA Way keeps me Clean and provides the Tools for a better way of life.
KISS. But until no longer substituting one drug for another I don't know if Recovery the NA Way is possible. I am not judging the use of ease off the Drugs drugs, just never seen anyone fully grasp the NA Program until first Clean.
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Work the Steps or Die MF. (My Friend :) Clean One Day At a Time by The Grace of God through The Power of NA
