Hi everyone. I am new to this. I have attended several NA meetings in my local area now. But mostly I arrive, listen, and leave. So I can't really say I am truly participating. I don't feel as though my recovery is started yet as I am using Suboxone for a bit longer. I guess from what I have read and hear from others, my true recovery will start when this "medicine" is no longer there to keep away the cravings.
I have taken away from the meetings so far that for now, I will just go because I feel like I have to, but at some point it will feel like I want to.
My story is nothing new or special. Several weeks ago my life came crashing down after a run in with the law. Now, everything I have is in jeopardy of being lost (my job, my house, my possessions, and maybe even my freedom). Its a very scary time and I mostly sit around feeling lost and agonizing over what I have done to myself and everyone in my life.
My wife has been sooo supportive it almost makes me feel worse. If she were mad or something then I guess I would have an excuse to not feel guilty. But she has been so loving and sympathetic to all this. The kicker is she did not know about any of it until it came out with a bang.
I am doing outpatient rehab. My therapist is very helpful. He is actually a recovering AA addict. So he is in touch with all that goes with the disease. Funny word, honestly...disease. Until now the idea that narcotics or alcohol issues are diseases was such a distant strange idea to me. That was something I read about when someone else's life was falling apart. Or something to learn about on an evening TV News Special, like Dateline. Or something to watch as a "very special" episode of your favorite tv show.
Now I look at myself and try to reconcile that I have some sort of disease against what I have done. Of course I don't feel sick. I feel just like before, but with tons of guilt and regret. So now I have to accept that I have this disease that I have no control over. Something that medicine won't cure. Something that I guess I will have forever.
Honestly, with everything that has gone wrong in my life now I can't fathom the idea that someday I would ever consider doing this again. I mean really? Now with all this failure I would really go back to the very behavior that got me here in the first place?
I think about that last bit and say to myself, never! That is not who I am. It is not who I have every been. Everything I have done in my life has been the result of learning lessons and following the principles learned from those lessons and the idea that I will never repeat the same mistakes. I don't do that anywhere in my life. Why would I do it with narcotics? Is that the disease? The idea that just when I feel comfortable it will creep back in and take over and I will do things again that I know I should not be doing?
Sigh, it feels so confusing.
But moving forward I want to make the most of all of the opportunities out there to battle this disease. And from what I understand NA is definitely one of those opportunities.
So what is the next step for me? I know I need to make more of the meetings then just what I get from quietly sitting there. This will require that I "join in" at some level. And such is my next roadblock. I am not a very outgoing person. How do I get to that next level at the meetings and start interacting with the people there?
Also, this idea of a sponsor is not clear to me. What is the role of the sponsor in my life? Why do I keep hearing I should get a sponsor? What do I look for in a sponsor? Will they become my friend? So in other words I am going to a meeting looking for friends? I don't quite understand.
Thanks for taking the time if you made it to the end.
Hi Gary, glad to have you here. Like you, I took Suboxone to help wth my opiate withdrawals, but since no-one knew I was addicted, and I got the Suboxone illegally, I had no idea how often to take it, what dosage to take, and I found that my experiments with it actually made me feel worse than better, so I mostly went cold turkey. However, if a doctor is helping you with this, you should absolutely follow their direction and not my stupidity!
I think at first, listening is the most important part about going to meetings. If you truly open your ears, you'll hear something that you connect to; some share from another that makes the inside of you sigh with relief that they know how you feel, that they've done what you've done, that they've felt what you've felt. No matter how long you wait, releasing your first share will not be easy. It still isn't for me (5/10/11 is my clean date). I'd break out in a cold sweat when it was my turn. But I'd reached a point where I needed to talk about it all - it had become like poison, killing me from the inside out, and I didn't want to feel like that anymore. Just do it, and get it out of the way, and it will get easier, I promise.
As for your sponsor worries: A sponsor is the one who helps you work through the steps. You look for someone who has what you want, someone who, when they speak, perhaps sounds like they're speaking a piece of your story, your hopes, your pain. Often a sponsor does become your friend, as you begin to trust them, as you must in order to truly work the steps honestly. And, I think, while we don't go to meetings looking for friends, it does tend to bring us some. Surrounding ourselves with people who are also clean and sober, is imperative to survival. You're bound to find some new friends in meetings, though you won't like everyone there, necessarily.
I hope some of this helps you, and keep coming back Rhiv.
Welcome! Go to lots of meetings and listen and the program will start to make sense. It is a simple program. Don't use drugs. Go to meetings. Work the steps with a sponsor. Get involved in the fellowship. Pray and meditate.
Welcome Garyg..It is obvious you are serious about your recovery.We do have a disease that has no cure ,but we do recover from a seemingly hopeless state of body and mind,based on a "fit spiritual condition,a daily reprieve,accomplished by applying our solution"the steps ,worked with a sponsor in the actions and doings of our lives guided by our own understanding of a Higher Power.There are also very informative IP'S(information pamphlets)that are helpful if you haven;t read them#16 ,Newcomer,#11 Sponsorsship revised,Pamphlets 'IN TIMES OF ILLNES"(touches on medication in recovery)and many other informative info.GOOGLE WWW.NA.ORG and it will take you to site where you can look stuff up,Basic Text etc.We are told in our literature"most of us didnt know we were addicted before we came to the program.Quite a statement when you read"Who's An Addict".!..Anyway,like said already here,our suggestions are always the same,show up at meetings,,listen for a sponsor and "Just For Today don't use drugs" We are here for each other ,no judgements,only identification with the devastation of using drugs.Keep comin back ,okay ,hope to here more from ya!!
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
GaryG wrote: "Now I look at myself and try to reconcile that I have some sort of disease against what I have done. Of course I don't feel sick. I feel just like before, but with tons of guilt and regret. So now I have to accept that I have this disease that I have no control over. Something that medicine won't cure. Something that I guess I will have forever.
Honestly, with everything that has gone wrong in my life now I can't fathom the idea that someday I would ever consider doing this again. I mean really? Now with all this failure I would really go back to the very behavior that got me here in the first place?
I think about that last bit and say to myself, never! That is not who I am. It is not who I have every been. Everything I have done in my life has been the result of learning lessons and following the principles learned from those lessons and the idea that I will never repeat the same mistakes. I don't do that anywhere in my life. Why would I do it with narcotics? Is that the disease? The idea that just when I feel comfortable it will creep back in and take over and I will do things again that I know I should not be doing?
Sigh, it feels so confusing."
I can so relate to this part of your post, as I felt the same way. It has taken me 6 months to realize that addiction truly is a disease, one that affects our minds, our bodies, our spirirt, our emotions. It engulfed me without my even realizing it. I was hopeless and helpless against it even though at the end of my using I knew I had a problem. I tried to stop and absolutely could not do so on my own. I thought I was an immoral loser, helpless, hopeless, and worthless. Then through a set of circumstances in my life, I found myself in an outpatient rehab program and attending NA meetings. At first, I too just sat there, I couldn't even listen or fathom most of what was shared. When I could listen to what was being said, I heard the differences, not the similarities. I convinced myself that maybe I really wasn't an addict, that I just needed to learn how to control what I had been doing. I tried that. It did not work, not at all. As addicts, we are not bad people, we are people who have an illness, one from which we have the opportunity to recover from, if we are willing to work for it. From personal experience I can tell you that once I had convinced myself that I wouldn't repeat the same crazy behaviors over again, I found myself right back there in the place I started from. I don't want to keep repeating that vicious cycle, so I do what is suggested as a program of recovery. I go to meetings, I have a sponsor I am working the steps with, I read the literature, and to the extent of my experience thus far, I work with others. Most importantly to me, I trust that my higher power will guide me in the direction I need to go, one day at a time. Thanks for posting. Hope to see you back here. Peace.
I agree - the In Times of Illness pamphlet is a good read. Do you have a Basic Text yet? If you can, try and get one. Just start reading.
Our program tells us to: go to meetings, get a sponsor, work the steps, get involved (service). Here's how it worked for me:
Go to meetings: I went to as many meetings as I could in town (all of two) and found one that really liked. I decided this group would be my "home group." I went to that meeting predominantly, I supported that group with my $1 in the basket (usually more as I was still employed), helped out with setting up and tearing down, and got a service position.
Get a sponsor: I listened to those sharing at meetings. I asked one woman to be my sponsor, and she told me, "Sure! But I don't work steps..." I immediately turned aroudn and walked away. As a result, I have a few questions I ask potential sponsors: "Do YOU have a sponsor? Do YOU work the steps? Which step are you on? How much clean time do you have?" It's an interview process. They might ask you, "what are your expectations of a sponsor? How much clean time do you have?" Being on suboxone, you can always say, "I have a desire." :)
Work the steps: these are the solution to my disease. Being an addict, my problems aren't so much the drugs but the funny thing between my ears. My "sickness" is in my thinking. If the drugs were the problem, when I stopped using, I would be fine. But I'm not. I'm a crazy psychotic woman. :) The steps offer me a solution and a better way of life. It's a way to change my thoughts and behaviors.
Get involved: at your HOME GROUP (refer to "go to meetings"), check out the business meetings. Ask the chairperson if they need help with anything - washing coffee cups, emptying ash trays, setting out/packing up literature, etc. Every little bit helps and it makes a person feel good, too!
In the Basic Text, read chapter 5 "What Can I Do?" It pretty much lays it out for ya.
Now I look at myself and try to reconcile that I have some sort of disease against what I have done. Of course I don't feel sick.
Addiction is the only disease that tells us we don't have a disease.
I feel just like before, but with tons of guilt and regret.
Two of the most common symptoms.
So now I have to accept that I have this disease that I have no control over. Something that medicine won't cure. Something that I guess I will have forever.
Yep.
You sound like your beginning to understand what happens as a result of this disease...Our literature tells us that the solution is in the steps....That means go to meetings, find a sponsor, work the steps with your sponsor....they will lead you to your higher power, and then recovery can really start to happen.
