My name is Dani. I'm 26 and I live in Georgia. I am a recovering heroin addict. I have not used heroin since October 15, 2010. As of today I have 9 months clean. There is only one NA meeting in my hometown...and it really isn't a very good one. The first and only time I went, I was approached by two people who asked me how to get heroin in my hometown and if I could get them some. I do attend a substance abuse group at the community mental health clinic in my hometown, but no one in the group is an opiate addict. The group does help, but everyone else in the group are recovering meth addicts or alcoholics. The group is not a 12 step group. I am just looking for a NA group that I can participate in online until I am able to move somewhere with a better NA group that I can physically attend.
I have been having a lot of trouble lately with cravings. I live with my mother right now and I am unemployed. My mother and I argue a lot. I am incredibly stressed out when I am at home and I am starting to become depressed. I am really only happy when I spend time with my girlfriend. We've been dating for six months. She is incredibly supportive of my recovery. But being depressed and miserable when I am at home, makes me want to get high. I keep having dreams about getting high. They are so real, it scares me. I can feel the needle pierce my skin. I even feel like I am actually high. And when I wake up, I still feel like I am high for a few minutes. Those dreams are really unnerving.
A couple of weeks ago I went to Atlanta with my girlfriend. She had to work so I drove her car and studied. I'm working on my Master's degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. I was craving heroin so badly that I called an old friend and asked her if she could get me some. She said yes and I arranged a time to go meet her. At the last minute, I decided not to meet her and I went to a friend's house instead so I would not be alone. I can't believe I was so close to using again. I haven't told my girlfriend about it. I'm afraid if I do, she'll leave me.
That's really all that is going on right now. I just needed someone to talk to...someone who understands what I'm going through...someone who will be supportive.
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Clean date: October 15, 2010
"Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let the light in. - Groucho Marx
A few things stood out to me in what you wrote: ~ If your local meeting is tainted by drug-seekers, chase them out. Find enough people who are truly serious about their recovery and work together to keep clean and sober. I know of some who started their own meeting for very similar reasons. You could always try an open AA meeting, instead of a pure NA one. At first it may seem like you don't have much in common with them, but in the end, we're all ex-users of a substance (or ten) working the steps with the goal of being clean and sober. I go to AA, but it's an open group, with about half of us alcoholics, and the rest are addicts, like me.
~ Do you have a sponsor? From what I understand, it's very common to have dreams of using. I've heard people in my meetings speak of them; how vivid and real-feeling they are. They call their sponsor. When they feel the urge to use, they call their sponsor, or another friend they've made in sobriety. You need someone to reach out to over the phone, or in person, that will be your lifeline. Clearly your girlfriend doesn't fit that bill, as you're hiding your weakness in shame.
~ As addicts, we've shouldered more than our fair share of blame. Surely in sobriety, we should be able to hold our head high, without feeling guilty for a moment of "I almost did...". Don't beat yourself up for it - instead be proud of yourself for NOT using in a moment when you felt truly tempted to do so.
~ MIP is a great place for support, but it doesn't replace the healing you can get from 12-step work, or from a relationship with a sponsor, and one with HP. I've heard it said that if we worked as voraciously in the program as we did at scoring to get high, then sobriety would be a snap. For most of us, if we were told in those days "Nope, I'm sorry, you can't score here today." we would have gone half-crazy to find another place to score. Well now you need to score a group. You need to score sobriety. You need to score a sponsor (if you don't have one). So go out, and score!
I heard you only went to the NA meeting one time. I would give it another try. Meetings are essential to the recovery. AA can work when you don't have good NA meetings to go to, but they focus on alcohol addiction, and do not address the disease of addiction in general. Sponsorship is also important. Do you have a sponsor? Are you working the steps? Like was said above, online recovery is helpful, but no replacement for in-person meetings. Keep coming back!
Welcome glad you are here! congrats on 9 months clean,any day clean for an addict is a miracle.It seems as if you are aware you need to find meetings and getting into doin some work.I can only suggest not to get too complacent with other things going on in your life and remain focused on your recovery day at a time.Like it has been said online is good but nothing like direct support,Face To Face and sponsorship.My 25 year old son is also a recovering Heroin addict after 8 long years and he is working his program to the best of his ability.Sponsorship is very important at this stage and also getting into working in the :solution" the steps...Keep coming back here let us know how its working out for you.You never have to use again,you can find that new way to live.We are willing to do whatever it takes......peace
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
Hi Dani and welcome. I was very distressed to hear of your experience at the meeting. It seems like I am hearing this more and more lately. This is dangerous, not just for the addict seeking recovery but for NA as a whole. I hope the group figures out a way to keep the meeting focused on recovery not using. I'm glad you found us here and keep coming back.
Yeah better reeeeeeach out thats way to close to using .
So in that group you went to other then the 2 who asked you to cop dope for them, were there other members who were solid in recovery? those are the ones you stcik close to. There are always a few stragglers around groups who aren't serious like you about there recovery, stay away from them, sooner then later they fall off the map back out there runnin amok.
Hang in there and keep coming back this can be a safe haven and a place of positive role models and positive input, main thing though is you find that higher power that helps you in times when no one else can so work on those steps with someone.
In the NA group I went to, there did seem to be a few, a small few, who were serious about their recovery but just having people ask me how to get drugs here really made me uncomfortable. I've had it happen twice, first in NA and again in the first substance abuse group I went to. I'm just not ready to handle people like that yet. I'll start going to NA when I can find another group. Unfortunately, there aren't too many around here. I live in a pretty rural area about an hour and a half outside of Atlanta. There are tons of meetings in Atlanta, even a lot of younger adult focused ones. I just can't drive that far right now.
I don't have a sponsor and probably won't find one until I find a meeting to go to regularly. My current substance abuse group is very supportive so I'll just keep it for now. I also have a therapist that I can call whenever I need to. I've seen her since I was 19. I'm planning to give her a call Monday. I just can't afford to go in for a visit because I don't have insurance or a job. I'm living off of student loans at the moment and they don't go very far.
Because I'm living with my mom, I feel trapped. I'm pretty dependent on her for support. Not money, but for everything else. I just finished a certified nursing assistant certification course on JUne 28 and passed the state exam. I've been applying for jobs but nothing has turned up yet. And my mother seems to be sabotaging me at every turn. She's a nurse at the only acceptable nursing home to work at in town and I applied there two weeks ago. The day after I put in my application, I called the hiring nurse and left her a message. Instead of calling me for an interview, she asked my mother if I could come in. My mother told her no because I was at my girlfriend's house 45 minutes away. I thought that was incredibly unprofessional of both of them. So I could have had a job, but my mother found a way to prevent that from happening. I hate to sound like a whining teenager, but that's how I feel right now. I feel incredibly helpless and stressed out.
Thank you for all your supportive words. It really means a lot. I'm doing all I can right now to stay strong and not use. It's getting increasingly harder. I finally told my girlfriend how bad the cravings have been getting and about the incident in Atlanta. She said the important thing is that I decided not to use. She also said I can always tell her things like that and that it's better to talk about it before it happens rather than after. She's a great girl. I don't know what I'd do without her.
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Clean date: October 15, 2010
"Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let the light in. - Groucho Marx
It sounds to me like you are still coming up with excuses not to go to an NA meeting and get an NA sponsor. A therapist is a good thing, but a therapist is not sponsor. If you want to work the NA program, you need to get to meetings, get a sponsor, and work the steps. It's pretty simple.
-- Edited by Dave R on Monday 18th of July 2011 05:34:47 AM
I remember how nervous I was when I went to my first meeting. It took me three tries before I actually had the courage to walk through the door. I honestly don't know what I would have done if at that first meeting I met active addicts who wanted me to help them score. That's not a very safe environment for someone trying to get clean. I might suggest calling the local helpline in your area. Go to na.org and enter your zip code... Call the number and tell them what happened. Ask if maybe you can get a ride with someone who has good clean time. I'm not familiar with your area but i think they will try to find someone to help you out. Good luck, and keep posting. We will try to support you anyway we can.
