thanks mike. im doing ok. ill be in the hospital for atleast another week but im weak. and in pain. just typing this is taking all of my effort. ill write more later.
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"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
well ok heres the whole story. i was driving home from my sisters house in toledo and when i got to downtown cleveland the traffic was at a dead stop. i of course wasnt paying attention and was going 20 over the speed limit and not wearing my seatbelt. when i realized the traffic was stopped i slammed on the breaks. my car was sliding and swerving i crashed into the back of the stopped car in front of me then the guy behind me hit me and i crashed into the concrete wall. thats all i remember but they said i flew out of the windshield and was laying 200 feet from my car face down with my limbs laying all over like a rag doll. im surprised i survived that yet am awake and able to come on here and talk to you guys about it only a few days after it happened. now thats a miracle! i have bruises, broken bones, a concussion, and internal bleeding etc blah blah blah. they are talking about surgery in the next few days. haha i still choose to laugh at myself because A. im an idiot. and B. i will probably never drive again because im terrified now. laying in this hospital bed brings up bad memories of when i would OD or try to kill myself or when i was in a coma last year from both. hmm i wonder how many times i can put myself into a coma in my lifetime? i dont like being here. i rarely go to the doctors in general! and now im in the f*cking hospital. what is wrong with me. ill probably loose my license and have to go to counseling and be forced to go to meetings which isnt a bad thing except i hate talking in front of people i havent been to a meeting in years and i dont like going places by myself. god im so messed up. maybe i should just get some drugs go hide in a shack where no one can find me and live happily ever after. god im so f*cking stupid! i cant believe i f*cking totaled my car and was in a coma AGAIN! wtf is wrong with me! jesus f*cking CHRIST! im so f*cking mad at myself! they probably think i was f*cking high and drunk and driving. who crashes like that in the middle of the f*cking day! grrrrrr im such an idiot! i could just bash my head against the wall right now! they have a nurse checking on me every 10 min to makes sure i dont hurt myself. apparently last time i was here i was a handful. but off to sleep again. i could get used to this not having to go to work everyday deal. oh and sorry for my anger when i get pain meds i get mad. well more mad than i usually am ;) thanks for the prayers!
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"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
Thanks for sharing Liz....I know for me back in the day,I was always wondering what was wrong with me, why I was always in a jam and no matter what I always seemed to mess things up.I was in denial with a lot of things going on in my life.My inability to share my honest feelings,my always feeling less than and sick of people telling me what to do.It took me 25 years ,3 marriages,divorces,felony arrests and convictions,my best friend and other "aquaintances dying by the year ,lock up in mental institutions and total chaos in all areas of my life to one morning come to on the floor of a farm and know there were only 2 options,reach out for help or continue on till I was no longer.It didnt come easy and I still remain commited a day at a time.I had trust issues and was always looking for the con.I grew up in the era of do as I say and not as I do.Hated it then,still don't like it today ,but remain concious of what I have to do for me.That pain finally outweighed and pleasure.I am one of the fortunate ones thru God's grace and mercy.That is the God of my understanding,a process of coming to believe,in that Power greater than we are,can be situational as you see the evidence of it working for others,something someone says,a sponsor,someone shares,or whatever concept just loving and caring and definitely not ourselves.Our drug usage is just the symptom, its the mental and spiritual part that takes continued work.Finding the "exact nature " of what goes on inside us and being able to release it brings us the freedom.Anyway didnt mean to get on a phiiisophical role here,but was very concerned for you and hope you take this situation in deep thought and take a chance on reaching out .A sponsor,really learning about the spiritual principles of NA and "coming to believe" really does restore us to sanity,then we got to keep at it.If you want to be a good rider ,you got to stay on the horse huh??okay Mike thats good,.....you always share your feelings here Liz,hopefully you will continue to be able to get real deep inside and trust someone,with your Higher Powers,guidance.....Let us know how its going okay,get better and know that "somebody up there likes you" (and old movie title from my day,think early 50's....In support and continued prayer.....
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
I know you feel a lot of guilt, remorse, and shame about this. But the bottom line is that you are alive today and you have hope. You wrote "I haven't been to a meeting in years". Did you mean an NA meeting or some other kind of meeting? I hope you are able to get to meetings and get in touch with people in recovery where you live (sponsor, etc.). It is tough to face situations like this alone. Godspeed!
I'm praying for you Liz. I understand the anger your feeling at yourself. I can be pretty merciless to myself at times. But your beat up enough you don't need to kick yourself anymore. First order of business is to get well. Then you can take the rest of it one day at a time. God bless you Liz.
When i was 17 i was with some guys in a car new i shouldnt have been the driver was a mess drinking shots of wild turkey I had 2 cases of beer on my lap in the front seat which i had fought to have and won lol, so we're doing 90 mph and a cop was chasing us, we hit a curve almost directly in front of my house actually in front of my neighbors house and the car went sideways and rolled at which point i was ejected from the windshield, the car flipped many times with the other guys in it and landed up against my neighbors house. Cop said he wrote me off for dead and went to help the guys in the car.
I was the least hurt I had no injurys other then pieces of windshield glass in my arm. I dont remember much after the car started rolling i hit my head hard i remember that then something tugging really hard on my feet i thought an alligator got me i remember that odd thought then waking up with fireman around me.
I wonder about that event and a few others where my life was spared is there a higher purpose for some of us ? I think so Liz, you've been left here for one reason, and that is one day your going to get well and you are going to be able to help others like yourself, sorry to tell you LOL but thats it girlfriend, ENJOY ,,, you have no choice its already preordaned....
Mike: thanks for your concern and its not that i dont want to reach out its im scared too. i was talking to raman about this the day before my accident and i think i just have a fear.
Dave: i meant na meetings.
vini: thanks for the story. its amazing you didnt get hurt that bad. and haha i guess if i was left here for a reason maybe i should take better care of myself. youre funny.
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"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
These car accidents, whether major or minor cause emotional trauma.... recovery from which is not easy. I still have terrible recollections of the horrendous accident I had one nite when a drunk taxi driver hit my jeep at high speedight. And that was five years ago.
I had no chance of averting that; it was night and we were in a curve and had just overtaken a truck.. That memory traumatised me many years. And it was very difficult to forgive the NA member who kept distracting me when I was driving. I was so vulnerable because I was just recovering from from high fever and a urinary tract infection that was very painful. And this guy kept on distracting me by insisting on chattering and demanding that I pay attention. Then the accident happened; the taxi hit me at high speed, veered out of control, and hit the truck I had just overtaken with such force that the trucks entire rear axle and wheels came off. Lucky no one died, though the 5 in the taxi were all injured badly.
I resented this NA member and cursed the guy. I hated him and deemed him a "bad" person to be with or help. I wrote a lot and a shared and shared and only later on released the feeling but feelings come back now and then. The vehicle was very damaged and took two months to get back on road. I was in shock. My self-confidence was almost gone. And it cost a lot of money to restore the Jeep.
Only thing is ive become a more mature and responsible driver.
Liz,, ok, all that said, I wanted to ask you what happened to the others ? Did anyone else get injured ? Vehicles damaged ? Extent of injury and damage ?
What are the legal implications ? Do you have a lawyer ? Then again, was the accident caused by a white-out you had ? You know,, people who do or did drugs are prone to having these states of mind where like in a black out the mind goes completely blank. However in a white-out one is still awake or conscious.. Or did you have an epileptic fit of the variety where the mind goes completely blank ????
Anyways, dont worry now. No use agonzing from the hospital bed.
No matter what, the bright part is you werent high when driving and are not getting high to cope ! God Grace and recovery in NA !!
-- Edited by Raman on Tuesday 21st of June 2011 07:18:05 PM
-- Edited by Raman on Tuesday 21st of June 2011 07:20:51 PM
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Liz: If you haven't been to an NA meeting in years, then I suggest you get back into meetings ASAP. It's amazing that you are still clean if you haven't been going to meetings. I know I would use drugs again or go completely nuts if I didn't go to meeting regularly. Best, Dave R
It's a miracle you're still alive. When life hits (literally), we can ask ourselves: what can I take away from this? 1. be more attentive, 2. wear a seat belt. Simple as that. You'll be just fine - you have lots of prayers heading your way.
Instead of focusing your energy so much on the woulda/shoulda/coulda, focus it on the amazing healing powers our bodies have. Just for today... you don't have to worry about ANYTHING other than getting better. Pain meds are a b*tch, but you'll pull through. They're there for a reason.
Try your best to put the guilt, shame, anger aside and focus on the here and now. You can't change what happened.
