I am an addict named Jackie. About two years ago my best friend moved a couple states away to take care of her dad who was dying. Sadly about two months ago he passed. During the process we visited regularly and talked at least three times a week, at least. My best friend had been avoiding me for a couple weeks. This is so not like us. We're usually attached at the hip. Finally I pretty much left her no choice but to respond and got a text. Again, not like us. This evening i missed her return phone call. I listened to her voice mail (which I never do) only to hear she has been drinking. I went out in January to help celebrate her 6 year anniversary. The voice mail said she hasn't wanted to tell me but she has been socially drinking. She doesn't want a white key tag, which I take to only mean she is content for now.
Same old song and dance I've become accustomed to hearing over the years. It's always the same when someone first relasps. They either seem to leave to make up for lost times or they come back crying how they wish thier decision was different. In the end IF they make it, they're never the same. The disease takes something from them. A chunk of thier spirit is gone. If they come back they look sort of the same but different. The stories are always worse, worse than they needed to be. I do as I was taught. I sit in the front and wait for them to come back. I hug them unconditionally and tell them I'm glad they're home. I know it hurts now but if they hang on the suffering goes away. If they hang on.
I don't mean to be morbit but it hurts. My friend was the first women I have ever met like her. We taught each other how to live. So many have taught me how to live only to decide to leave NA later on. I don't want to use, far from it. However, it gets so hard to stay sometimes. I know for me I always end up staying because without NA I use. I do what I was taught in the beginning. Tomorrow is my home group and I will be there bight and early. I will share and try to great all the newcomers. I will hug and be hugged. When people ask me how I am I will be honest. I don't lie to my sponsor or my fellowship. My day will go on. It's a holiday here and I will enjoy it because NA has given me the choice.
Being without her will be hard. I will pray for her as I have for 5 1/2 years now and wait for her to come back. My sponsor says I am to remember my powerlessness and unconditional love. I will do my best to have faith and trust in my HP. I don't know what else to say. This hurts. Thanks for letting me rant.
I know it hurts when someone that we are close to goes back out and uses. It has happened to me so many times I've lost count. Let's hope she can make it back into the rooms. A good friend of my went back and used a while ago. I stopped hearing from him, he wouldn't return my calls, etc. Recently, I found out he is in prison, serving a 5-year sentence. Maybe he will get clean in prison. And maybe he won't. One thing is certain: I don't have any control him.
I'm sorry you've lost a friend back to the disease and im sorry for your own personal loss.
These people are examples of what we have to be careful of ourselves, one slip is a journey back to hell, we must not slip .
I have lost friends a few have died using and that really angers me. But i remember them in spirit of the days they had clean and what wonderful people they were, one in particular , Loco Johnny who tried so hard to help ME get clean, and then he died using first night out, choking to deat hon his own vomitt loaded on heroine and drunk, he would not have wanted to go that way but thats the way the disease took him, he was a brother to me, closest i've let one man come into my life as a friend.
So we go on and maybe they will return with enough prayer requests.
Yes it does hurt, my best friend,and many others in my crew never made it to the rooms,they died from the disease,overdoses,crashes,suicides,crime related etc.I know that I am responsible for my own recovery and I can only carry the message of hope and freedom from active addiction and also must live it day by day..We wait and pray that those "who have once tasted the word" will make it back.I wish you both well and no matter what "just don't use'! I will add you to my daily office of prayer and meditation>>peace.
__________________
Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
Thank you all. I did got to my home group today and even though I really didn't want to I made sure to help a newcomer. Sometimes the way out is through listening to other's shit. It still hurts and always does when one of us leaves. My friend's decision reminds me at any point and time I can make the right or wrong choice for my recovery. JFT I made the right one. Hug, Jackie
Thank you for the post. Pain shared is pain lessened.
The truth of the matter is that the road to recovery is littered with dead bodies. Care the message and pratice these principlas in all of our affairs. Don't be one of them. This IS life or death for us.
-- Edited by Davethewave on Tuesday 31st of May 2011 05:14:52 PM
