So much can happen in 10 years, 10 months, 10 days or even 10 minutes... and its a testament to how youre never more than a simple stressor away from falling back into a pit of agony and ultimately self medication.
After more than 16 years of sobriety, my new friends, I need you now more than ever, I'm still clean but for the grace of God as it goes. I want that giant, fat, sweet tasting rail and I want it now! Which is why Im here
My 16 yo is suffering from depression and perhaps even bi-polar (were waiting on a diagnosis) and its taking me to my absolute limits of sanity! I havent felt this helpless ever and certainly havent had that feeling of wanting it all to go away in 16 years, 9 months plus!!! Please someone, tell me theyve gone through something vaguely similar! Alternatively, I will eat myself into oblivion but Im so sick and tired of eating, I just want to jump head first into a bed of cocaine or failing that, morphine either way I know Id feel so much better.
I admit, at 2am this morning, I had my sons antidepressant scrip in my hands, but then my son decided to come sit with me and just cry in my arms, so I didnt take the pills, I just cried myself, holding him until he was able to sleep.
Sadly all that was compounded by an agonizing 2 hour phone call from my brother earlier in the evening, who was audibly becoming more intoxicated as he related the demise of his current employment situation. I did all I could to rejeuvenate his spirit, give him hope and my love to lean on but eventually the alcohol out weighed my efforts and I called it a night then my son came in and well, I was emotionally depleated before he even needed me! Oh and Happy 10th Anniversay my love, I'm so sorry our night wasn't what we planned.
Arrrrghhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! I can see my son heading in the same direction as me if we cant work this out but how do you rationalize with teenage angst and depression?? I worked so hard to raise a well-adjusted and completely loved young man only to be stripped of all my efforts my a mental health issue???!!!!!!!! I'M SO PISSED! Forgive my language but I'm just so mad!
I took today as it came, I breathed deeply and prayed for the best but it's 10:30pm and the witching hour is near... will my son need me again tonight?
Your prayers would be greatly appreciated!
-- Edited by kitty doyle on Wednesday 25th of May 2011 10:43:00 PM
-- Edited by kitty doyle on Wednesday 25th of May 2011 10:44:33 PM
-- Edited by kitty doyle on Wednesday 25th of May 2011 10:46:26 PM
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"The Greatest Possession We Have is The 24 Hours Ahead Of Us"
Welcome. I cannot say I know what you are going through, because I don't. I don't blame you for being angry for your son's mental health issues, but as you pointed out, you are helpless over them. Mental health issues are treatable, but the diagnosis and process of finding the right medications, therapy, etc. takes time. Now more than ever, your son needs you clean and sober. One thing that came to my mind as I read your post is how are you taking care of you??? You sound like you are trying so desperately to care for those you love, does that include you? I am new to sobriety, just a few months clean, and one of the things I hear a lot in meetings is that people who have years of sobriety have relapsed when they stop taking care of themselves. They somehow lose their spirituality and faith, stop going to meetings, don't have a sponsor anymore. And that leads them back to step one. Not saying thats you, but just my thoughts as I read your post. It sounds like you know that getting high isn't your answer, or you wouldn't have posted here. Best you can do is to continue to hand it over to your HP and pray, pray, pray. Oh, and whatever you do, don't pick up. I will send up some prayers for you & yours as I say mine tonight. Peace.
Hi Kitty I'm glad to see you've reached out before you picked up. Belive me picking up won't make things better it will only make things worse. Your son needs you...... A mother with a clear head and not a mother all F*#*#* UP. I know how powerless you must feel, it must be breaking your heart but just take each day as it comes and trust in your HP's love for you and your son......... My prayers are with you........
Thanks for you hopeful thoughts... both of you really, really made me think and ultimately I realized I haven't taken care of myself in more than a year and I haven't been looking to my HP to carry me through! The funny thing about "taking care of me" is that it was the very first recovery tool I learned, ever! doh! I've always downplayed and repressed my needs for the sake of others and I see that I've slipped up there... so onward and upward! I've actually been on my own case for the past few months for falling away from praying and I've noticed my 'little kisses from heaven' are dwindling. I'm in awe of how wasy it is to fall. My son btw had a really good evening but I still find myself treading carefully, he's a little on edge tonight so we'll see. Thanks again!
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"The Greatest Possession We Have is The 24 Hours Ahead Of Us"
Welcome I can truly identify as I have a now 25 year old who has been shooting dope since 17 ,diagnosed with every possible mental aberration(OCD.MAnIC /DERESSION/ANGER ISSUES.AHDD ETC..hE HAS BEENIN AND OUT OF MENTAL INSTITUIONS /JAILS/ icu WARDS ETC SINCE 12..iT HAS BEEN A LONG RUN FOR MY WIFE AND i BUT WITH THE Power of God in our lives.my commitment to spiritual principles .total acceptance and admisson i AM POWERLESS OF HIS STUFF AND i CAN ONLY KEEP ME IN 'a fit spiritual" condition,we are okay a day at a time. Resperdal//abilify/prozac/paxil/xanax,trazadol/suboxone/every ssri there is at the present etc..a walking medical kit!!My son has been free of active addiction( although using prescribed,140mg's methadone a day at the moment) and is functioning responsibly while on 5 years probation.There are so many blessings ,starting each day with God allowing me to open my eyes,Gods plan for me still being here,no help from me early on.Anyway welcome,stick around hope to hear more from you...WE do this together day at a time,,If you need more help with co-dependance issues etc,there is Nar-Anon and Al-anon etc.you can google those sites for more help. You are aware that clean time doesn't equal recovery ,it however can be our best asset,but like our literature tells us we do recover ,from that seemingly hopless state of body and mind , it is based on a 'fit spiritual condition ,a daily reprieve,gained by keeping God on top,and applying spiritual principles in the actions and doings of our lives.If your not working on something,something probably workin on you(ah yeah!!!).Let us know how its going ,stick around okay...peace and in support and prayer...
-- Edited by MIKEF on Saturday 28th of May 2011 08:43:52 AM
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
Hi Mike and thank you too! Well I've made it through that really hard urge to pick up again but of course it's always looming. I see now, more than ever, that clean time doesnt equal recovery... wow! My son takes Trazadone and hasn't found a balance being on it so I'm thinking thats what's causing his massive ups and downs.
I know the evil one is always looking for a foot hold with me but I also know that God would never allow me get into a situation for which I havent the tools to battle.
My son has been doing well since that night but I'm heading out of town for 10 days tomorrow, for... get this... mental health training and I'm just praying like mad that he can keep it together for that whole time. My parents are on standby should my husband (who deals with his own depression) need respite.
Thanks again and I'm so happy your son is one step up in the right direction and functioning... I'll certainly keep you and yours in my prayers. It's always good to know there's someone else who feels your pain.
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"The Greatest Possession We Have is The 24 Hours Ahead Of Us"
