I am sorry to be coming here, but I wanted to recieve another perspective as I am trying to recover from a devastating break-up with an addict and I would love to hear from you to help aid in my healing. I would deeply appreciate any help or insight you may be able to give. I have been in a realtionship with a recovering addict for two years. I actually started him on his path of recovery by telling him I would not be in a relationship with him as long as he was using. I had my doubts about becoming involved with him until after his first year and actually spent the first five months apart from him to make sure he was doing this for himself. And he stayed true to himself and his promises and life changed for the better. And we both felt alot of progress and decided to give it a shot. It was hard and the journey not easy, but he continued on his journey. During our relationship he took alot out on me. He was jealous, controlling, manipulative, and sometimes especially towards the end abusive. I chalked alot of it up to his process, drew limits when I needed and tried to be patient. Even though he was VERY resistant to the good things of life I tried to guide him towards those things. We would talk about getting a job (he didn't have one), Moving his dreams forward (not living up to potential), becoming independent (he was living with his parents), etc. Again, he took alot out on me even though I was trying to help. Eventually through some time and patience, his life began to move forward and things got better and I started to sit back and watch him in amazement as he grew. Also, once I saw he was stronger, I stopped taking the focus off of him and tried to put it bak on myself which I really needed. I started to make many positive changes to my own life, I started a ALANON CODA group to start my healing and get back to being healthy again...That is when things went downhill.. I began to express my needs and what was important to me. Again I was met with resistance and defensiveness which was hard to swallow because I had really supported him and now needed the support in return and felt I deserved it. He started to fight with me more, his jealousy came back, and he was always trying to pick a fight with me. Then a few amazing things happened to him that were really wonderful, he got offered a trip to Europe ( his dream is singing), got a huge promotion, and then he started to act arrogant and threatened to leave everytime I tried to talk. He knew I loved him, so he used this, as much as possible. And just when things were getting better for me, (I got cast in a movie). Our dreams were coming true and I just wanted to celebrated and share those things with him. But He seemed to want to push me away and projected alot of his own problems on me and started becoming abusive and was terrible on christmas night a holiday really important for me. I put my foot down and said we may need a break he agreed and we started spending time apart. i decided in that moment to let go and see what he does. But he really acted as if I never existed...and when I asked him how long he wanted to break for, and if he intended to make the postive changes nessacary for a healthy realtionship, he said he needed more time and just continued to put me off. I waited 4 months and gave him the psace he needed and today he broke up with me by facebook. After everything, he couldn't even talk to me. Now his life is great, he is conquering his dreams, running off to Europe, making lots of money, etc. And not even a word, or e-mail about why he refuses to be close to me any more. And it hurts. I feel like he used me for what he needed, got to the better place, and now could care less about me. I don't understand it all. He has a sponsor and still goes to groups. he says I am the most important person in his life, and he is generally more caring than this...Is the addiction in control here? What is going on? I am so lost...And it is making it hard to move on when I don't have any answers. I still love him...and I am trying to do the right thing by letting him go, but I feel SOO SaD!!! I would really appreciate any guidance, wisdom, or insight to help me make since of it all..Thank you so much and God bless you...I really admire people who do this work in recovery...my e-mail is thesoulfuljourney@gmail.com. Or if you would like to talk by phone just drop me a line...thanks!
P.S. I really admire people who do this work in recovery, THANK YOU for you COURAGE!!
sorry to hear this, u never no what people will do, my experience is that I was sponsored for years by a guy in recovery and out of the blue he got arrested for some heinous stuff really heinous.
Also, this story doesn't sound like it is unique at all to addicts. Heard this many times from other people not in the program.
Self centered obsession is the core of our disease. Sounds like he has a serious case of it. From what you wrote he may not be as healthy as you think he is. but as for you.....His addiction is not the issue. You got your heart broken. You love someone and they dumped you. I have been there. Most of us have been there. You will mourn, grieve, look for answers feel anger and pain. Then it will pass and you will get on with your life. May that time come soon.
People here like Big V ,MIKEF,AVID,DAVE THE WAVE AND MANY OTHERS.THE POSITIVE BEDROCKS HERE.Alot of positive people here.IM A STARTER MOVING SLOW HUGE RESISTANCE TO RATIONAL THOUGHT.LIKE A PUPPY IN A WAR ZONE you shouldnt even look at because the loss is going to hurt so dont bond.I DONT SUBJECT ANYONE TO ME THROUGH relationships,Im not capable of taking care of myself why would I do that to someone.When I meet someone like you its devastating because telling someone the truth and they dont walk away,I still have to. You were clearly the hero here.People dont change at there core and I imagine its highly likely,when the chips are down,youre going to see this individual again.Youre loyalty is impresive I dont see that much anymore.Someone is going to be lucky to have you,I hope you heal soon.There are a few girls on site I have read about some tough deals Im sure you all can help each other out.Your a good girl dont ever let anyone make you believe any different.Being an adult doesnt give us any special powers,or higher levels of genius,we all just do the best we can.
Relationships are tough enough as is. Add in addiction and things get really tough. Maybe he will want you back, maybe not. Do you want yourself back? We learn to accept ourselves for what we are, and what we can become.
I had to ask myself was life worth living, when she said "We're Done". I wasn't so sure for a month or so. Then I had a spiritual awakening, my higher power communicating thru my late father, through his friend, directly to me. Things could have been worse, I deserve to live. I can get better.
When relationships end, one always leads the other. No two people ever say good-bye at exactly the same time. Someone ALWAYS gets hurt. Probably both of you. The best way to heal is to let go and move on. Forgive the pain you feel, don't beat him up, OR YOURSELF. Pray for him. You life IS worth living!!!!!
Thank you so much for all of your wonderful replies, I just read through them all and they are quite amazing. I am so lucky. It definitely helps to hear all this as I am doing thebest I can to move forward. I can feel your love and support and it means the world to me.
The hardest part is closure because i need this. I do not want to this to damage my perspective of anything, I DO need to get myself back this is so important and I work on it everyday. I was wondering if any of you have any perpesctives of writing him a letter .I have also thought about contacting his sponsor to see if he has feedback...do you think these things are appropriate? They would sure help, but I am not sure? I just feel like maybe I need to express my feelings get things out, ya know?
