Thank all of you who responded to my first post....I haven't been back til now due to health issues.
My drug of choice is Hydrocodone, but I realized yesterday....I'll take anything to forget sometimes. I was sweeping my floors the other day and found a little pink pill in the dustpan....Having no idea what it was...I took it...figured it'd do something to me...and sometimes I just want to not be here....in my head, not physically.
I haven't had any pain meds in about 4 days, because I'm out....I'm in pain but took to many and ran out to early....so now I have to suffer the pain.
I don't know that I'll ever figure this out....how to be in pain and take pain meds RESPONSIBLY without abusing them,without wanting to forget. The pain is so great at night I can't make it through a night without sleeping meds....I've tried, and I have to work, so I have to sleep.
I'm supposed to go to my first F2F NA meeting tomorrow night....I hope my HP gets me there. I've been a member of Alanon for years, I know the steps and I know the disease of addicition....I guess I just thought it would never happen to me....not RX drug addiction.
Welcome. Your in the right place. Glad that you are going to a NA meeting. You will find it very different from al anon, but from your post you truly need to be there. We can't do it alone. peace, and keep coming back.
Holdingon - I'm just like you too. I'll take anything, and do anything, just to numb my emotional pain. Morphine was my favorite, but I haven't had any in about a year and a half. It started with Oxys, that were prescribed to me following a very severely shattered wrist and hand. I had external hardware on it for 6 weeks. When the oxy ran out, and they wouldn't give me more, the guy I was dating began feeding me morphine. He had both instant and extended release, prescribed in massive quantities for him, by his idiot doctor. For a year, I took it. Once in a while, I'd try to come off, but when the detox began to hit, he 'couldn't take seeing me miserable' and would offer me more morphine, and me, being the weak-willed addict, willingly took it. Long story short - he went to jail, and my supply was cut off, and I detoxed alone, with a few pills of suboxone that I illegally got. I survived. My head cleared. And my pain went away. Yes, I said my pain, that I imagined was so bad, it eased and went away. (I have tweaks now and again, but totally tolerable with some ibuprofen.)
That said, I only count myself as having been clean since I admitted to myself and someone else, that I'm an addict. That was a week ago. I'll take sudafed, for the energy it gives me. I'll take anti-itch medicine to make me sleepy enough to forget. I'll go on a shopping spree I completely can't afford. I'll do any number of things.
Meetings are really hard for me. I have a recovering addict/alcoholic bf, (4 years sober) we go to the same one, though if I needed him to go elsewhere, he would. I haven't been able to say in a meeting yet that I'm an addict. But, I have a sponsor, and I'm reading the Big Book, looking for the 'musts'. I had to tell a friend (who I know always has darvocet for migraines) not to give me any if I asked, that I couldn't be trusted. I don't know how well you know the doctor treating your pain, but it might be worth talking to them about the addiction you now have, and potential alternative pain treatment options. Just a thought.
Welcome I would take any pill I was given OR STEALING until I realized I was eating liver pills.hormones pills,water pills ETC not gettin high,sometimes sick........I became the master of the PDR(Physicians Desk Reference),so when I robbed your medicine cabinet(excusing myself to use your bathroom) I could find stuff that would give me a buzz and eliminate the other junk..The progression just got worse through the 25 years of active using...Glad your here,you can learn about"a new way of living" one better than any you have known, keep comin back let us know how its going!!
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
Tex sorry so selfish I didnt ask if u were ok.Read youre old post w/holdington.Im half a dim witt educated fool but I did study PDR. physicians desk reference and pharm meds for years while living with a pharmacist .She was an adict to we were in college together long ago.I only made it 3 years that will tell u something.Dont listen to me always run everything by your doc.One thing dont ever take darvocet.One of 20 worse meds in world that cause sudden death.Its properties are totaly different than opiates but satisfy some of same pathways one extra pill can kill you.Lomotil another since your so close to mexico I mentioned that because its sedative effect gets people thinking its cool ,not.Its prescribed for diareaha.Run the drug (trazadone) past your doc it helps big time for sleep,dirt cheap very very effective.Aderall probably wont mix with trazadone.Strange drug for you I agree but these docs no about off label use,and he may be trying to help w/depression in ways a dumb ass like me cant understand.But its addicting.Very strange.Please make sure you talk to doc and dont listen to unqualified persons such as myself.Another shit thing about aderall stimulant,appetite tex.Who wants to be surrounded by texas barbecue and on a freakin stimulant.I hope you feel better tex,stay on this side of border.Its was crazy when I use to get lost down there.I know its bad now.When I would get back from mexico after a few months my friends use to say we thought you were dead.I use to say me to.Hang in there,you can make it.To much info i know now after 3 cups coffe i have to go yakk,I was concerned,when I seen darvocet Im glad I got that of my chest.No beans for u tex.
