opiate user off and on 20 years.46yr old male.Have about as much will power as any human I know.But for the life of me nothing has tested my survival ,or will to survive like opiates.Never have done the things associated with addiction,Stealing,missing work,ect,.Been shot,stabbed,have artificial hip,chronic pain,been to federal prison,for not dropping the dime on my freinds,detoxed in custody several times.Feds generated a report saying I would die in custody before I talked.Ive been clean so many times.Seen psych 10 years ago was on 160 mg meth and paxil.You may have guessed I dont trust doctors by now.That detox was fun.Relatively clean now just started about 60 mg /day oxy,nothing for me .I know my triggers.Depression and pain,its real not psychosomatic.Uninsured,and im sure the damn quaks would put me on opiates anyway.I quit 2.5 years last time and developed social anxiety ,agoraphobia,nothing ever became better.Damned if i DO DAMNED IF i DONT.I now I need AD meds,but lost my job damn near homeless and destitude now,but that doesnt bother me.What bothers me is knowing I may never get out of this life without another day of peace,sanity or solitude.If anybody has had any luck with post opiate antidepressants.Im sure Ive been depressed my whole life and medicated with opiates.Never been to meeting.I love life dont get me wrong,but I can see why people come to the end of the line with this disease.Quality of life has pretty much left me at my witts end long ago.I wish you all the best I know what you go thru.Anybody have any suggestions,cant hurt,but spare me that things will get better deal,with time,because they dont.ps cant afford suboxone,wont do meth again.Running out of options.I read a japanese proverb that said" all men eventually obeye pain."What does a junkie do when opiates are indicated but these moron doctors cant understand the concept of my tolerance levels,going off the charts within a few months.So after they screw me up with meth,phentynol,morphene,and my stomach shuts down,im snorting and smoking H tostay out of hospital.What a wine,im making myself sick.I guess everybody has something.
If you want to help yourself then theres a program in NA, if you want to lay down and keep taking the dope thats your decision, but you certainly dont have to there is a way out and it takes a willingness to turn your life over to a higher power then you, your addiction and all your troubles.
If your at the end of your rope and willing to give this a try we'll help but it means action and it takes work.
I was at the end of my rope long ago.I took action.I failed.Ive been on oxy 5 days,clean for 5 months before that.My dose is low and I quit again.It was nice to sleep longer than 2 hours for the first time in months though and thats how it usually goes.Im an Ironworker who has done ironwork since 1999 with an artificial right hip,arthritic left hip that also needs to be replaced,And 4 doctors from 4 of the best teaching hospitals in chicago all say I need a disk removed and fused in my neck,and my lower back.An injury I suffered in 1994 when I fractured my right hip.So as much as I would like to delude myself into thinking Im not physically suffering,the gig is up.Its not working.Believe me I tried to convince myself i was fine.
But I think you do have a point.Ive studied every religion there is,probably some youve never heard of.Read hundreds of books from Hume to Kant,Kierrkegarrd,and then some.I have lost all spirituality.The last time I was in a spiritual zone of meditation,and seeking,I broke my hip,my father came down w/lung cancer,then I caught an indictment because the g thought in my predicament i would rat.They were wrong.
So I became more spiritual.Then I watched my father die very very slowly,had my hip replaced 2 weekss later,was in prison a month after that.So i became more spiritual.Then the g took my house and my dog died.
But I was clean strong and happy for what I had.My mom,food,if I was warm in the winter I was satisfied.But I had to depend on myself because the spiritual thing wasnt working for me.I'll try anything and this last part I mean without the sarcasm because I know your right.I know a lot of people who have had a much tougher time than me.Ill try any action take any steps ,do anything to stay clean.But my depression is profound and I wont be feeling any better clean.So I was hoping other people on this site have overcome much more than me,if I can learn how they did it.I would be grateful.Im going to have a problem with the spiritual thing,because within the last 12 years somewhere along the line I lost belief in anything and everything spiritual.Well I wrote to much,Ill be sore for 3 or 4 days but I wont post again until Im clean for a week,out of respect for other members.I dont lie about my drug use I know thats hard to believe but I dont care what people think.Ive taken oxy for about 4/5 days and was clean 5 months before that.2.5 YEARS BEFORE THAT.
fOR WHAT ITS WORTH TO OTHER MEMBERS IVE DONE DETOX FROM EVERY OPIATE THERE IS.The worse thing I was ever through was the methadone detox from 160mg.Please for all of you that think methadone is an answer please please dont do it.I have no experience with suboxone but it sounds to good to be true.Im guessing the best thing this particular rocket scientist can do is listen to some people who are winning the good fight for there life and succeeding.Sorry for the run on .Goose
Go to 90 NA Meetings in the next 90 NA days. I'm a hope to die dope fiend, yeah I LOVE heroin. I'm Clean today. NA has but one promise, you never HAVE to use again if you don't want to. I NEVER had a real choice for any sustained sane period of time before finding NA. Today I have 30 years Clean from addiction and know countless other addicts who too are Clean.
Snivel, or take action. Your choice. There is strength in surrender. Live in the problem or live in the solution. You get to choose.
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Work the Steps or Die MF. (My Friend :) Clean One Day At a Time by The Grace of God through The Power of NA
We learn through pain, so the more pain we go through while we are getting clean the more chance we have of staying clean.... All we have to do is to remember the pain we went through when we were getting clean, to stop us from ever picking up again. Well that's what works for me. Like you I'm 46yrs old and I used for nearly 30yrs, by the end of my using I had, had enogh. I felt that I was to old To keep going through all the shit you go through when your using. NA meetings have saved my life and shown me a new way to live. Like you I to feel like I'm damed if I do and damed if I don't but I know my life is a whole lot better at nearly 3yrs clean than it ever has been. I may not be happy and joyus but I am free...........
Goose. For what it's worth, I was addicted to morphine for over a year. Sounds small in comparison to you, but no less difficult to kick. It's a bitch, no doubt. I did use suboxone, and I would say that while it did take a small edge off the cravings and detox symptoms, it did not make me feel better, and can as easily be abused as the opiate it's helping you get off of. I stopped taking it, in part because I wanted to remember how wretched it felt to withdraw. I never, ever want to go through that again. Not ever. I also have suffered from depression for many, many years. The last shrink I saw put me on adderall for it, in conjunction with other anti-depressants. Truly not a good idea for someone like me, but it's only in the last couple of months that I've realized I am actually an addict. My depression is what I call, situational. If things in my life are generally good, I don't get depressed, even if a few 'bad' things happen...I can handle it. Then, wham, a big life change hits, and I'm down for the count. That's when I start looking for any way to fill the void within. I struggle with faith in a higher power, and I don't want to call myself an addict. You can say a thing a million time - don't necessarily make it so. Two days ago, I reached out to someone from a local meeting, and asked her to be my sponsor. It is the hardest thing to do. I know it is. And for you, with all the very real pain you have, you know you need something...but I also know, that there are doctors that specialize in pain management without the use of opiates. FIND ONE! Get medicaid, and find one. Do something. Take action. Don't stand still. Walk into a meeting. Ask for help. Scream out loud. DO SOMETHING. Your life is worth saving.
Welcome to MIP! We are here for each other sharing our ESH in a loving and caring manner. Hope you stick around listen to suggestions and take action that will save your"life".We can only carry the message ,it is up to you to decide to hear it!! Hope to see you sticking around.With work it gets GOOD, then it gets REAL GOOD, then it gets REAL! Keep comin back!!
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
Welcome to MIP. Lots of good experience, strength and hope here if you want it. Two thoughts came to my mind as I read this thread. 1) There are pain management clinics that do treat chronic pain without opoids and they are successful (as Rhivenn said). Speaking from personal experience, opiods were my final straw too, but what to do about the real chronic pain I had??? and 2) It is my understanding that just because I am spiritual and have faith in a power greater than myself, it does not mean I will not have pain, heartbreak and tradegy in my life. It does mean that no matter what happens, good or bad, if I believe in a power greater than myself, reach out to others and say "I need help", and am willing to follow the suggestions of the 12 steps, my life will be manageable, both the good and the bad. Free from drugs and alcohol. NA and the 12 steps, the people I have met in face to face meetings and those here at MIP are helping me to learn that. 24hrs at a time. That is how I live my life now, 24 hrs at a time, beside my HP, not in front of or without. It has helped me to crawl out of the darkness of hopelessness, helplessness and despair into the light. My wish for you is that you may find some light for yourself. Peace.
Goose , I agree 90 meetings in 90 days will get youoff to a good start.Don't use or try not to .We are all addicts and know how hard it is to quit . Get rid of all using friends . They just help the misery you want to get rid of .Keep trying man .
Congrats on the 30 years Mike.Ive been accused of a lot bot Snivel has never been one of them lol.Ive never asked anyone for anything in my life.Where I grew up we just die with our secrets,And I honestly never thought I would live past 30.You have to understamd I have my list AND iM GOING TO GO TO MEETING NUMBER ONE this week,but cry me a river Im going to walk into a room full of strangers and tell them Im so pitifull I cant function anymore,I have no will and IM SURRENDERING my life to a deity,which may be friends with the easter bunny.Im going to do it ,and at that time you could put me in the snivel box.Dont get me wrong I have nothing against the easter bunny but my spirituallity runs very deep,and is more a mix buddhism,and physics,and you dont have time to get it,and I have attention span of goat right now because Im clean.So I cant explain it.But its been abandoned anyway,so give me a chance to reconnect the important thing is I do believe in a higher power,because if life as we know it has been a cosmic chaotic coincidence,the jokes on me.
Rhiv I hear you some of the toughest ,badest ,people I ever knew just freak in emergencies,or trauma.But then there fine.When emergency,trgedy,chaos happens to me I get calm.Everything slows down and I seem to be in my element.But its the rest of the time in my life I have trouble with,thinking about,inches,seconds,situations and how come Im so damn lucky.I'll trade with you.
Ruthy leonard ceohen on U tube,the song is anthem.Its a small world because that quote and song,helped me for a few weeks when I was in A BIT OF A PICKLE.I didnt have a radiobut I guess god gave us vivid imaginations for a reason.Hey mike I said god.
I really do appreciate all the kind words.Ive read some biographies,very sad.Most of us really have lost a lot it seems.2years sobriety coming soon for the ausie.I hope all of you can find peace.Goose
YOUR RIGHT NEZ THANKS FOR KIND WORDS IT MEANS A LOT.I was lit up with injetions 10 years ago it helped a lot for about a year.Im down to my last 15k food and shelter has to be priority now.My freak friend fromL.A who I put thru college when I had money is a doctor now.One of are only friends who made it.We met when I was 4.I protected him like a brother his record spotless ,all class. Cornered me wants me in LA to see specialist hell pay for everything at his hospital.I think you call it an intervention.Its very hard to take thimgs from people for me,but its a fall back.Ill take him up on it before I ever through in the towel.Good advice thank you.
I drove a car from Cabo to L.A. to New Orleans in 1994.Sufice it to say after texas barbecue mixed with the the chemicals in my stomach,well lets just say I took the paint of the side of the car.1994 look at almanac heat wave 120 ,,100 at night.I thought the car was on fire but it was delirium.Ive escaped from countries faster than it took me to get out of texas,my god.Seriosly thats how it starts ,you say morphene ,nothing compared to me.Listen please ,your at the point now where you could save yourself a lifetims of heartache.Its so easy to rebound.You sound much smarter than me,and I dont care what you want to call it or what they want to label you as.You have to quit all opiates now whatever it means.Who cares what people label you with if you need anti depresants take them ,i will.Listen doctors ,insurance companys they need labels,my whole entire abnormal psychology class many years ago was just spent on categorizing disorders.What they have found out now is that people dont fit into these bxes its a multitude of things which overlap.I do know this so take it for what its worth.If you do opiates you will function great for a while.Your depression will disapear.all temporary.In the long run you wont make it.You label yourself whatever you like fine by me i dont judge anybody.As long as you understand from all these people forget about me,this fact stands.You will be miserable and you will not make it.Stay away from the beans tex,and I dont mean the kind that come with tex mex.good lucl thanks for kind words
Hey Goose. Glad you found us. That doctor friend of yours sounds like a life line, nice to know he's there for you. I have no words for an addict who has severe chronic pain and an opiate addiction. I have no experience with that (thank God) but I admit it does so like the proverbial "rock and a hard place" I keep thinking that there are people who manage to do it, so there is a way. Glad you decided to go to a meeting, you never know what good you can find there. I wish you all the best man, keep coming back.
Thanks for understanding.My first meeting is wednesday in a church.Ive been reading post to help this little cleansing pass.This is nothing for me,but some post did get me a little emotional.I cant tell you all how grateful I am for this site.OUR story is close Avid I thought I had thousands Of friends.It wasnt the case.Ive isolated myself also first to stay out of trouble but it morphed into something else.Dont get me wrong Ill go anywhere ,with my head Hi,my name is still golden,but I dont seek the oportunities I once did.I would rather live in a dumpster and be free,than go back.I only did a year,but since I screwed up so many of there cases and outed so many rats in my pretrial.the G and B.O.P. sent me to 3 max joints with that sentence.They thought they were breaking me and they were making me.I have conqured all the hate in my heart towards rats ,race ,whatever.But I was Conditioned so its probably wouldnt be wise to let anyone who has ever hurt a child near me.Theres no doubt what would happen in that case.But I know I have no freedom really when being a slave to dope.I plan on fighting this,but I dont know how many times I can get back up anymore.So I think thats why we all have each other.To pick each other up.Sorren Kierrkegard the father of modern existetialism said,"humans are different than animals because we can imagine the infinite,but we are finite beings.(WE NO WE ARE GOING TO DIE)Life is a big paradox where we are forced in all directions,and decisions,where often none of them are right.There is no right and wrong,all we can truly do is become our true selves."paraphrase.I dont think we can do that on dope.But Im so full of it Ive read to much B.S. THERE IS NOT MUCH MORE ORIGINAL HUMAN THOUGHT ON THE PLANET BUT WHEN i TRY TO ACT LIKE i KNOW SOMETHING iLL QUOTE THE AUTHOR.WHEN i HEAR DUDES TRY TO USE ALL THIS KIND OF SHIT TO PICK UP WOMEN,i OFTEN NAME THE AUTHOR AND THE CONCEPT.HES A GENIUS NO,HE CAN READ.I loved New York when I was there.Peace to you thanks again.Ive been up 54 hours now so Im thinking sheep.Its a primitive form of breath counting,meditation.Counting sheep but back in the day the rocket scientist never understood the concept,in the west at least.Bahhhhh
You say you have not tried Narcotics Anonymous. My suggestion is that you keep an open mind and and go to an NA meeting near you. NA meeting opening readings States- "Many of us ended up in Jail,or sought help through medicine, religion, and psychiatry. None of these methods worked for us."
The only requirement for membership is "a" desire to stop using. I suggest you go and listen to others and see if you relate- and see if there is a possibility it may work for you.
Doctors and psychiatrists can only try to alleviate symptoms our drug use cause. Depression is common amongst us. Sometimes we don't know which came first- the depression or the drug use and then depression. NONE of us wanted to feel pain- emotional or physical.
There is no "relatively" clean- you either are - or are not.
We learn coping skills, an understanding of ourselves, why we do things, how to change patterns that keep us using, and learn to accept who we are.
It's not about will power as you well know. We have none when it comes to addiction. Many of us in NA have been thru what you are going thru and found a new way to live by learning from those who got clean before us. We all come in "thinking" we are unique.
You also state you don't do what most addicts do- Not all of us , lose our jobs, steal, or do the same things, many differ in that way- But what we all have in common is that we "used substances to live and lived to use". The support you will get is beyond what you could believe without experiencing it.
When we got desperate enough we sought help and that's when we found NA. We have found we can't manage our drug use. We have to abstain from all drugs.
This does not include the use of drugs "as prescribed" for the condition they are prescribed for, and the length of time they are prescribed for by the doctor who prescribed it, under the doctors current supervision. Not to be confused with using prescribed drugs for conditions we make up or self diagnose (because we are sure we have it) to obtain drugs.
Thanks Elaine been ill.1st meeting tomorrow.Didnt get much sleep dont remember writting much of what I did.Have 12 steps,12 regulations whatever,pretty good at secrts so that part sounds easy.Keep me away from keyboard detox didnt hit strong till 3rd day this time.Ya I know opiates have broken will,I know I must surrender,I know all that just not looking forward to all the work Im tired.I would have giving up on me to but most people cant,they think Im fine.I think I must be best actor on planet.Thanks again Ill write in week or so Im pretty ill.Hang in there,thanks again everyone sorry for manic ramblings Im to tired and emberaed to read all I wrote be well.
I went to meeting today ,didnt go in basement.Sat in morning mass.Walked near there looked around.I have all NA downloads info.I was raised christian it was a heartbreaker to sit in church Im a little confused I didnt expect it to do that to me.Nice to be with some true believers.Suppose to go today but it seems tomorrow never comes,and Im pretty Ill.I think that despite all the selfless and crazy things Ive done in my life,deep down I must be a real coward.Your the first people Ive ever told how completly shot I am.But people been coming up to me for last few years asking if they could help me out,Im a damn good actor.I heard my sister who is succesfful loaded and married tealking to my best friend on phone,she said I had a hard life.So depressing.My niece when I was in prison told me on phone she needed to see me she couldnt take it anymore.So despite not doing the things normal addicts do,I know Ive hurt a lot of people in ways I cant even imagine.Thats what hurts me the most.My friend suppose to pick me up and take me,sober for 16 years.Im pretty sick,I dont know what will happen,Im getting closer I guess.I seem to always back out expecialy after the mania of detox.
Goose...the nice thing about going thru detox is that you never have to do it again, if you're willing to do the work NA requires. I hope you muster up the strength to walk thru the NA doors today, no matter how horrendously miserable you feel. There are people here, pulling for you, and supporting you in this. Thru those doors, waiting in those rooms of your local NA group, are people who will physically be there for you in a way we can't be here. I wanted to tell you that I've been going to meetings all this week, and just mumbling my name and that I was just there to listen. (My group passes a mic around. To everyone.) Last night, when they were passing out chips, I took a deep breath and got my desire chip, and guess what? Two other people did the same after me! I actually participated last night, fully, for the first time. It ain't easy, but it does get easiER. Keep doing the work.
Just back.Left after 15 minutues they were yelling at each other.My friend when he got to car said dont wory.I asked if they thought I was mad.Hes an Na vet.He told them they dont know me what they seen was progress.Not the first time I laughed and cried at same time.I dont shake.Ever.I cant get my left hand to stop shaking.Idiot friend told me good sign I think hes nuts.Dont put to much faith in me but thanks.Thanks a lot rhiv.Ill go back but I need a few days headache out of this world.
ps cant afford suboxone,wont do meth again.Running out of options.I read a japanese proverb that said" all men eventually obeye pain."What does a junkie do when opiates are indicated but these moron doctors cant understand the concept of my tolerance levels,going off the charts within a few months.So after they screw me up with meth,phentynol,morphene,and my stomach shuts down,im snorting and smoking H tostay out of hospital.What a wine,im making myself sick.I guess everybody has something.
My suggestion is that you keep an open mind and and go to an NA meeting near you. NA meeting opening readings States- "Many of us ended up in Jail,or sought help through medicine, religion, and psychiatry. None of these methods worked for us."
