Over a month ago I was sent to rehab and learned a lot about the disease of addiction, what I considered just letting loose and rewarding myself for years of success and forward progress in life had all caught up to me. I met many individuals like myself, similar lives, stories, experiences, yet still feel I am suffering so much more than anyone possibly can imagine.
I worked my entire young adult life towards the career I have worked in for the past year and a half, and now that career is dangling by a thread thanks to my addiction to oxy's. Being put on Suboxone for several months helped but only prolonged the inevitible relapses already thought out in my head come pay days, and now I sit restless day after day waiting for the day I am terminated from my job. There is nothing I can do but wake up each day, thank God I am alive, have a family, a home, a bed, because now I know after my rehab stint not everyone is so fortunate. I however struggle with staying clean on a daily basis, economically being frustrated and tormented hour by hour throughout the day. I have tried my old hobbies as well as new ones I have picked up but still find there is an absent feeling within myself.
I have been diagnosed TC-Depressive, which I do not agree with, because when things go my way I feel perfectly fine. But when things go against me, isn't it natural not to feel like you are doing perfectly fine or even just well?
My addiction started a few years ago, at the same time I met the one I fell in love with who also suffered from addiction.. alcohol I would soon find out after a few months of our on and off, touchy, up and down mood swings. She felt it better to go her way and do her thing, leaving me with my addiction and complete loneliness.
I have had several jobs where I have made more than a well-off living, but always seemed hopeless come relationships, I guess that's where my addiction played in and kept me company. Now more than ever, I cannot keep my mind off being unemployed, single, and being told I am young and intelligent enough to rebound and live a wonderful life if I stay clean and sober. Looking back, I was raised being disobidoent or what my rehab called "dope fiend" behavior. Yet it always got me what and where I needed. I do not know any other lifestyle, and being back home, going to meetings, I just feel lost and do not know what to do anymore....
Welcome! We recover from the disease of addiction, it's not about just not using. We suffer from a disease physical, mental and spiritual in nature. We didn't become addicted in one day so remember - Easy Does It. Replace the habit of using with the habit of meetings, daily or multiple times a day meetings if need be. When I was new it was suggested to start with 90 meetings in 90 days.
Remember a Day Clean is a Day Won no matter what else is happening in your life. You do what you need to do to stay Clean, the rest will follow if you do the footwork. The Steps are our roadmap to learning how to Live and Enjoy life Clean.
Keep Coming Back!
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Work the Steps or Die MF. (My Friend :) Clean One Day At a Time by The Grace of God through The Power of NA
Welcme to MIP! Stick around okay ,im sure most of us here can identify with your feelings.We are here for each other.Begin to learn about your disease and the 'correct' information through our process of Narcotics Anonymous.The years of misinformation and rationalization can be put aside and when you are at complete admission and surrender the healing can begin!..Keep coming back.
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
I hear your pain John. The fear and confusion come through loud and clear. Going to meetings and sharing where you are at is a good sart. You will be surprised to learn that others have gone through just what you are now experiencing. Listen to others with the idea of asking one of them to sponsor you. Sponsorship is one of the keys to successfully putting down drugs and changing your life. You don't have to live in fear. Our message is hope, our promise is freedom. NA has worked for thousands of hopeless addicts. It can work for you. Just keep coming back. peace.
