I woke up from a dream this morning in tears..literally. The dream was of my son, who is now 27 and an addict, but in my dream he was 5ish or so, he had broken his arm and he was sitting on my lap in the car as we were on our way to the hospital. I just held him and began to cry, unsure of whether he knew how much I loved him and wondering if I had made him feel like he had done something bad because he had broke his arm. I'm coming up on 11 years next month, same month my mother passed 25 years ago, Mothers Day is around the corner and I just changed sponsors and have started working my steps over. Apparently I'm about to peel away another layer of the onion...more will be revealed..continuously. Thank God and thank God for my NA family.
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Carrying the message of hope and freedom from active addiction to the addict who still suffers.
In support and prayer Brandi/Some of the dreams I had .especially after we put our son out on street(22),totally strung out and on deaths doorstep,still cause me to shudder when I think back.Im sure my parents also shuddered......Way to go getting ever more involved in the "solution",reaching out to others always a big help for me...More will definitely be revealed.!..Give your mom a hug in your mind and in your heart, thats what I do when Father's day comes,my dad died in may 83(the 4th ,Kent State shootings also)couple days ago, A year and a half before I surrendered to the illness."(84).For some 9th step work I wrote a long letter ,things i never got to say when he was alive, and put it in the receptacle for the eternal candle by his grave.I finally came to peace ,graced by Gods mercy,I pray you also find peace in that area........Good work...:)Talk with ya on the rebound...........
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
Thank you so much. I wrote the same letter to my mother 4 years into recovery. It did in fact give me peace. I actually miss her right now and I'm not sure I've ever really felt that before, but we all know God allows us to feel what we are ready for when we are ready for it.
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Carrying the message of hope and freedom from active addiction to the addict who still suffers.
I dont get to dream much anymore since I started taking blood pressure medication but now and then I have them and theres always some message in my dreams.
I dreamt a lot going threw my last breakup, mostly angry stuff from her, that was my guilt and me seeing her pain I caused. There were others but I always seem to get something from my dreams.
Maybe your missing your child? or thats your mothers paternal worry ?
When we stick around for awhile so much gets revealed , as we grow and mature things come to light and i'm just loving those times. Then theres the lull, nothing much happening but for me lately certain things just like reading your post Brandi, I wanted to cry, lately i've just been wanting to cry a lot ( mr super sensitive) and I usually let myself go with that a little , when in the right place and i'm not sure whats going on, just feelings of different sorts , some joy, gratitude, fear, loss, compassion, all sorts of feelings can bring tears.
I know this much Gods hands are molding our lives here, we have the responsibilty to do the work and then let the spirit heal us and mold us into something we never could have been on our own, I never feel worthy but thats not my call and his has been for me to be here and i'm ok with that cause what I had sucked.
Thank you Avid =)......BigV..your post gave me the green light to cry..sometimes I brush off the tears when I don't know where exactly theyre coming from (like it's my business to know right? lol) I'd like to call that 'old behavior' but it's not old if I'm still doing it lol.. My "little girl" is missing her mommy right now and the dream of my son, I believe, was taking me back to a time so that I could feel now what I didn't allow myself to feel then. What a ride this journey is..and to know that it's only by God's grace that I get to experience it gives me the answer to the question I asked so often in my disease, which is 'what is my purpose here?' ...I always thought I was suppose to leave this huge grandious impact on people, so that when I left this world it would be all over the news and papers (no ego there!) LOL ....Now I believe that my purpose is simply to share my experience, strength and hope with another addict who has none.
-- Edited by Brandi65 on Saturday 7th of May 2011 11:57:33 AM
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Carrying the message of hope and freedom from active addiction to the addict who still suffers.
I read somewhere "dreams are wiser than people"I dont know about that,and Im knew I dont want to offend anyone.It was a very touching post and I have frequent nightmares.
You seemed very worried for your son when he was 5.You wondered if it was your fault.
You seem very worried for your son now and he is 27.His addiction is not your fault.
I get the feeling such is a mothers love.Its clear you love your son very much.Sometimes people in the heat of addiction cant grasp the truth,and lash out at those they love the most.Its frustration with the world in general.Im fairly certain know matter how bad your sons addiction,deep down he knows you love him very much,and he you.I am a son.I am an addict.I hope I didnt overstep my boundries but it was a very touching post,and the first five minutes after bad dreams,well I think its OK to be upset.I dont handle nightmares well myself I expect your not alone.
Hard to believe I could help at all in my shape.I hope you feeling a little better since that bad dream.You and Mike Both,Im sorry about your boys.I hope they get better soon.I hate to say this to anyone with a son with legal problems.Prison is terrible but it saved my life for a little while at least.I was much more stable and safer in a max fed,w some pretty bad boys most w/25 to life,than I was stuck in 5th gear living how I was. Mike and Brandi hang in there I know it must be worse to have sick kids than be sick yourself.
That's what the program is about. One addict helping another..and it's when we dont think we have anything to give that we give the most. My son is on parole from his 4th term..that's just counting his adult terms..not counting all his juvenile troubles. It's his journey...I can carry the hope for his recovery...but I can't carry his addiction. Thank you again Goose =)
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Carrying the message of hope and freedom from active addiction to the addict who still suffers.
Talk with ya on the rebound...........
