Hi everyone...I'm new here, and not even sure if I should be here...
For the past two years, due to many health issues, I have been on many medications. The past six months being the worst.
I was hospitalized several weeks ago and after being off hydrocodone for a short bit, was back on it, the problem being that I am either on the drug or going through withdrawl for it....it's a rollercoaster.
I noticed the first time I took it how it knocked off my "edge"...(being a nerveous type I have been on anxiety meds for years, however about six to eight months ago I was also prescribed Xanax, add this to the ever growing list of meds) I loved the feeling of not caring and relaxation it brought. As time passed I took more and more to get the same feeling...last time I took any I was up to more than 6 (that's all I remember). I know I've taken up to nine sometimes...Whatever it took to just not care, or not think...to relax.
The last time I took any was Easter eve (maybe Easter early am)...I had been using hard since I was released from the hospital, where I was for almost a week for another health concern.....The last time....it's a big blur...
I called a family member, whom I have always had personality conflicts with and blasted them. Somewhere in the mix of the blur, I sent several emails to another family member blasting her (I'm certain from the emails I got back and that she is not talking to me that I blasted her-I have not read the emails I sent her-don't want to if I could) Not that they didn't deserve it, but probally not the way I did (I honestly dont remember what I said).
I then proceeded to apparently get up from bed, trip and fall, face first, into the bathroom, where I busted open my face and bruised myself badly (I'm on blood thinners so the blood was everywhere I do remember seeing that) My child heard me fall and came to my aid, even at his age, I'm sure it was scarey.
I don't remember much other than that, and waking up the next day, blood all over the bed, bandaids on my face, still bleeding, and my child asking me where the Easter basket was...
I don't remember much from the time I got home from the hospital til Easter....just the fall and the blood...blurs of people calling...unbearable withdrawals as always.
I haven't used any pain meds since then, of course I don't have any left right now, but if I did I don't know if I could pass them by...I'm frightened to be honest. The pain is still there from the health issues, but I'm trying to cope and it is not easy. For the sake of my teen child, this has to stop. I'm a good mother and have prided myself on being a good mom for many years, but I don't feel that I am lately.
I'm still healing physically...mentally I'm not certain which way to go.Keep thinking "if only" I could just use the prescribed amount then I could do this right, but the rush/high/whatever you want to call it is unreal..I'm trying to find my way.
You're quite right - we sound like twins separated at birth. I had been doing well, clean for almost 2.5 yrs until breaking my leg. I have a variety of health ailments too, so I totally understand. I have severe migraines (like you can't get out of bed or be in ANY light). My dr prescribed Topamax & Relpax (both non-narcotic) and helped. I also have terrible insomnia (can go for 3 days w/out sleeping) and dr prescribes Ambien & Trazadone for that. Then I have Rx for Vicodin and Tramadol for pain from headaches. My friends teased me that I was always a walking medicine cabinet.
I did well getting off the pain meds, again until breaking my leg in Dec '10. Had reconstructive surgery and simply HAD to have the pain pills in order to function. Unfortunately, as you well know. Eventually the pain really DOES heal but your mind convinces you, that you still NEED the same amount of daily pain pills. So I feel down that I'm back to where I started from again.....My ex was great & was helping by 'monitoring' and giving me only what was truly necessary. But I soon learned where he hid them & how to pick the lock! LOL! I'm terrible I know! Now I'm convinced he hides them outside the house.
But hang in there, and don't ever feel as if you are alone! Many of us are in the same boat!
We have a 1st Step in our program Narcotics Anonymous that addresses the issues of being powerless over our "addiction"(physical,mental and spiritual illness that manifests itself in all areas of our lives) and our lives being unmanageable.It sound as if you got some things going on huh? Anyway we do have IP'S (information pamphlets)that you can Google on the web NARCOTICS ANONYMOUS INFORMATION PAMPHLETS Am Ian Addict #7 ,Welcome to Narcotics Anonymous#22 along with information on " In Times Of Illness'" and writings in our BasicText online 'Who's an addict,What program is,How itworks etc.(YOU CAN LOOK AT THE BASIC TEXT ONLINE..You can Google NA.ORG and also get this info, BUT we suggest making a face to face meeting and see how the program works in person AND ALSO BECAUSE YOU'LL BE ABLE TO BE AMONG OTHERS WHO CAN ALSO HELP ANSWER SOME OF YOUR QUESTIONS.We are glad you showed up here and hope you Keep coming back to let us know how you are doing.WE are here for each other,no judgement or Big I's OR little U's ,one reaching out to another in a loving and caring manner..Im sure others will be on to offer their suggestions. You are definitely in the right spotand glad you are looking at the devastation that is beginning to take hold in your life,C,mon in from the storm and join us,a day at a time,hopefully getting involved with our "solution" working our steps with a sponsor,making meetings and giving back to the best of your ability!Only you can say where your at in your process but you sure can learn about the disease and see how cunning it is .....peace
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
Welcome to both holding on and candycane13. Both of you ladies have told my story as well. Oh, those legal medications..... I too started out using them as prescribed for the pain of rheumatoid arthritis. So bad at first I couldn't close my hands, use them, or walk half the time due to pain. Unfortunately, when that pain stablized, I did not stop taking the Vicodin. Kept going and going and going.... for almost 5 years, the last 2 a complete horror story, adding alcohol and anything else I could muster into the mix. I have been involved with a 12 step program for four months, clean from vicodin for that long. Unfortunately prescription sleep meds convinced me I could take them properly cuz they were not my drug of choice. Guess what? They became my drug of choice sooner than I could blink my eyes. What I finally realized is that the drug(s) of choice does not matter, the behaviors that lead me there are the problem. The ways I have found to address them are 1) Get the literature 2) Read the literature 3) Go to meetings 4)Find a sponsor 5) Work the steps with a sponsor 6) Give back in any way you can. Right now for me that means making coffee, cleaning the hall, welcoming newcomers. The hardest of all for me was to give up my will to a Higher Power. I work on that daily, but it seems to be coming to me more and more as I explore my faith and my spirituality. I was so hopeless 4 months ago, I can't even begin to tell you. Today I can actually smile and mean it. Not all days are good days, and I'm lucky my physical problems are stable enough at present so that my pain is managable without narcotics. One day at a time, thats all I deal with anymore. So again, Welcome, and please, keep us posted on how you are. There are people here who really care, even though we don't know each other but through this board. Peace
Welcome. In NA, it doesn't matter what drug you used. What makes you an addict is how your drug use affects your life. Our first step says, "We admitted we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable." To me, that says that I have lost the power to control my drug use and my life has become a mess. The drugs are using me, making decisions for me. Only you can decide whether you are an addict. Try making some NA meetings. You'll find a great deal of support there.
Welcome to Nacotics Anonymous, this here is a program that works for me and can work for you to, if you are returning from a relaps welcome back but I must say this time you mad it back next time you just mint DIE out there. I must say N/A has worked for me 2 yrs ago my life had become so unmanagilbe that I lost mt family friend I was living in tents and shelters I was using everything I could get ahold of, I remember walking into my 1st N/A meeting in lewis county wash I had been beaton by my addiction and left for dead I have one friend who would not give up on me he is a x fedrally from mexico him and a guy from N/A trapped me one day and it was not a pretty sight, the next night I walked through the doors of what is my HG 2 yrs later and i feel better than ever im alive and happy I am. I started bye coming back no matter what keep coming back weather you use or not keep coming back, get a phone list and use it, find a SPONSOR and use him, STEP WORK with yor sponsor, if you need to spill somethings then spill it and move on, listen to what the guys with a little recovery have to say, remember we come into the program becouse we did not have the answers. have a open mind. welcome and good luck...
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Take my will and ny life guide me my recovery show me how to live
