Get the book. Check. Read the book. Check. Go to meetings. Check. Get a sponsor. Check. Work the steps. Not so much. Then I look at todays JFT and it talks about footwork, like actually doing the steps. Just what I needed to read today, as it has been a struggle this past week. I would have 90 days tomorrow, and still do for my drugs of choice, but in reality I am working on my second consecutive 24 hrs again. See, about a week ago I convinced myself and my addicted mind that I could "correctly manage" taking a prescription sleeping med as it was not my drug of choice, and I needed to sleep, after all. It was prescription, I have almost 90days, I can do it. Well, as most of you can guess, that did not work out so well. What kind of weak, horrible, rotten, etc. etc. person am I that I could not do it? An addicted one. I am working on surrender, my heart feeling and learning what I know to be true in my head. I am an addict. See, I can say it. I can say it at meetings too. Why am I having such a hard time surrendering to it? At 4 am I found myself lying awake(flushed the few pills I had left yesterday, after much conversation with my head and the courage from my HP) trying to figure out what happened. Actually I had awoken from a dream that I will term "Blind Faith" and leave it at that. Now if I can only learn to have that blind faith, I am thinking as I lie there awake. When I finally gave up trying to sleep, I came here to check the JFT reading. Lo and behold, I read that if I actually work the steps, I may just be able to find that faith that I so desperately need and surrender. (At least that was my interpetation).So I'm gonna go get my step workbook and actually start writing in it rather than just reading it and think about what I "should" write. When I finish, I'm gonna get together with my sponsor and actually "work" the steps, starting with step one, as is suggested. As I have heard many times, both here and in meetings, what have I got to lose? Thanks for listening to my ramblings. Peace.
Stopping drug use is not easy! Our self-deception is hard at work, trying to convince us that we can use some type of drug successfully. For me, I had a hard time with alcohol, since it was not my drug of choice and was socially acceptable. I soon learned that when I used alcohol, my addictive mind took over, and I used it just like I used my drug of choice. For me, surrending to the reality of my addiciton means accepting that I can't use any mind/mood altering drug successfully. Good luck on working the steps, starting with step 1.
Like you, I kept using after coming to the rooms. I thought blow was my problem, and if I stopped that I was improving.
It wasn't until my wife said "We're done" did the pain get so great I was really done. May 7th, 2007. That desperation is what someone told me was a gift. The gift of desperation.
Until that moment I thought my life was managable. FINALLY I accepted the first step and asked for help. Haven't picked up since.
Hey Nezyb!This disease does not want us to let go........ Yes we come to our 1st step, the only step that speaks of the problem.The rest of our steps work toward the solution.We cannot recover without the ability to be honest and our surrender is more than just words it is an emotional acceptance of our powerlessness and unmanageability. Our spiritual principles of humility,willingness and opening our mind to the idea that there truly is a better way to live will be incorporated in our "admission and surrender"Good job, apply the principles in your life, (Acceptance)recognize the results of your old way of life that will continue to bring you to the ends.....Just Don't Use....and more will be revealed a day at a time...We are here for each other no Big I's or Little U's, just the therapeutic value of one addict reaching out to another sharing their own experience ,strength and hope.Thanks for your honest sharing it has helped me immensely this day......
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
Hey Nezyb!This disease does not want us to let go........ Yes we come to our 1st step, the only step that speaks of the problem.The rest of our steps work toward the solution.We cannot recover without the ability to be honest and our surrender is more than just words it is an emotional acceptance of our powerlessness and unmanageability. Our spiritual principles of humility,willingness and opening our mind to the idea that there truly is a better way to live will be incorporated in our "admission and surrender"Good job, apply the principles in your life, (Acceptance)recognize the results of your old way of life that will continue to bring you to the ends.....Just Don't Use....and more will be revealed a day at a time...We are here for each other no Big I's or Little U's, just the therapeutic value of one addict reaching out to another sharing their own experience ,strength and hope.Thanks for your honest sharing it has helped me immensely this day..
