I'm Bill A; I'm an addict. I just crossed the six months milestone last week at my homegroup, where I chair a meeting on Friday nights in the Dallas, TX area. It's been quite a ride so far, and I know more is on its way -- as long as I stay engaged and continue down my path of recovery.
I wanted to share what doing my inventory on step four was like a bit. For me, this was an act of courage, and going over the stepwork with my sponsor, a big act of faith. During the time of writing my inventory I prayed a lot (something new to me in the program) and spent time to be able to not have any secrets when I got to that section of the step-working guide. This work induced a kind of depression in me, as many "sleeping dogs" were now up and about again, giving me grief. I feel strongly that pain is a signal in life, and is not meant to merely suffer, but that it's a gift to motivate change. Physical pain is a signal something is not right with the physical body -- and if it's not something obvious, like a splinter, then maybe a doctor can help. Emotional or spiritual pain is analogous -- it's there to motivate change. So I was *tempted* to try to make amends to some of the people who showed up in my inventory -- especially since some of them are still in my life today. I resisted that, with some help from my sponsor. I take refuge in the idea that these situations are at rest for everyone _except me_ -- for me, they're only fresh again *because* I'm working the steps. And the pain I feel must be tolerated for a while, and my only "out" is the knowledge I'm not creating *new* messes today that will haunt me tomorrow. Not a fun spot, but I didn't use because of this emotional pain, and I will reach out to other addicts when the pain is bothering me, much like I am now.
Step five confused the ever-loving daylights out of me. I guess maybe it's the wording, or because it leaves open the option of reviewing your inventory work with your sponsor and choosing someone different for step five. I trusted my sponsor with everything I could think of to share in step four, and felt I'd already done step five somewhat by simply reviewing my inventory in step four with my sponsor. Granted, getting closer to defining character defects -- and including the God of my understanding -- is a healthy analysis and addition for step five, but it's kind of like the other side of step four.
At any rate, this is where I'm at. I'm glad to see a place on the web that addicts help each other with the inevitable stuff of life, including recovery. Sometimes the "thousand pound telephone" phenomenon is real, and I'd guess it'd be a lot easier to post messages here than call someone when isolating is a demon being contended with.
And the pain I feel must be tolerated for a while, and my only "out" is the knowledge I'm not creating *new* messes today that will haunt me tomorrow. Not a fun spot, but I didn't use because of this emotional pain, and I will reach out to other addicts when the pain is bothering me, much like I am now.
I went through and thought out the same thing as you have , part of me wanted to run especially when it came to step 6 and I had to trust that God would remove certain defects, I just barely believed but i stayed put, went to meetings , trusted the process and other people who shared on their experience who also got through to the other side.
Welcome! It's great that you've tackled steps 4 and 5. Many people procrastinate on these steps, holding on to steps 1, 2, 3. But this is a bad idea. I've seen many people go back out and use again because they didn't keep moving forward on the steps. Keep up the good work and you will reap the rewards. Keep coming back!
hi my name is shack and i am a recovering weed addict or burn out as some people call it. and im kinda new at this online meetings but i do have a good support system and a mentor but everyday its real tempting cause it's every where in the neighborhood where i live i just try to work it one day at a time.
You did a good job describing conflicting feelings which come out doing a fourth step, thak you.
I did my 5th step with my sponsor and strongly advise other's to do the same. Sounds like you have a good relationship, and this will help deepen the trust and understanding.
