We have a member (female) that is continually preying on halfway house clients... typically sleeping with a different guy every night. It's bothering some other newer members and they came to me for some experience, strength, and hope.
It's escalated recently (without going into too many details).
Last night she sent a text to one of the gals saying she had been raped the previous night. I just shook my head and stated, "if you play with fire long enough, you're gonna to get burned." I have no sympathy... is this wrong? It feels strange. I have no sympathy but feel guilty for saying that.
I think I see the big picture with her... she's wanting attention in any way she can get it: through men via sex, through women via drama drama drama! Any way to get the attention. Switching one addiction for another.
I told the gals that until she's ready to quit this behavior (just like our using), she's not going to no matter what you say. It's her issue.
It doesn't directly affect me because, in all honesty, I could give a rats *** about her, but some newer members are taking this very personally for some reason.
And looking further, NA doesn't have any tradition that states you can't have sex with a newcomer. It is frowned upon, but how have people dealt with this in the past?
Then again... people like this typically weed themselves out (so to speak). :)
People in the rooms act out in different ways. Sexual acting out is not uncommon. I think newcomers are uncomfortable in these situations because they are vulnerable. They are working hard to stay focused on doing the right thing. When they see someone indulging themselves in a substitute vice, yet staying clean it is a threat to their dedication. You are absolutely correct....this is her issue. Her rape drama may or may not be real, but she will carry on untill she is ready to stop. It's not our place to judge her. We need to remain vigilant about our own health and safety. But copping a resentment against her isn't going to help anyone stay clean. when confronted with similar situations in the past the best advice I have heard is to pray for her.
For Gods sake,,, Like i know it.................13th Steppin is associated with guys manipulatin newcomers for sex...both homo and hetro....
Now this woman in your groups doin the 13th Steppin.... Know what ??? Honestly,,,,,, Gosh,,, sigh,,,,,I wish id been there as a newcomer,,,, Hahahahahahahha,,, hey Amanda,,,,, just kiddin.
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Regarding sex with newcomers -- I've seen a good bit of that, even after others in the group have applied peer pressure about thirteenth stepping. It seems wise to avoid tangling sexual feelings so early in recovery, but also people are living their lives, it's not a game or a performance to recover.
However, when someone claims rape, that's a criminal matter. If I were you I'd encourage her to go to the authorities with it to see it through those avenues. If she's making up stories so she can be the victim-in-search-of-a-rescuer, that will quickly change to the next attention-seeking tactic. I wouldn't entertain her stories without some action that requires her to face up to the details of the situation. Deny the drama and get to the core of the issue.
Someone in my group used some innocuous communication failure as justification for feeling victimized by abandonment and I saw some of the drama triangle up close and ugly. Ultimately all I could do is detach from the drama and pray for the "victim." I later learned this person had repeated this situation two other times in our group, and if I learn of it repeating again, by that time I may be in a place to be able to share with loving intent the details of what happened and how her manufactured drama hurt others around her.
But back to thirteenth stepping -- it's a messy situation, and so far the times I've seen it, it's always ended badly -- and usually fairly quickly. But much like my opinion on abortion or gay marriage -- if you don't like it, don't do it! We don't have to control others -- we're powerless over them anyway. Take care of yourself and your own recovery first and then love others as best you can, accepting them as they are.
Thanks folks! Part of my recovery includes avoiding unnecessary drama. Where I'm at in my life, I need to maintain some distance. I'm not in a place to confront, so I haven't. If she approaches me specifically, that may be a different story... but she hasn't ever called me because she knows I see through her b.s. and don't tolerate it. :) in the meanwhile, I will keep her in my prayers. Thanks for all the feedback!
