I feel alone. but im not. My boyfriend knows im an addict but we dont talk about it. i dont talk about when im having cravings or a bad day or when i just want to cry. people perseve me as a strong person and i am. i cant admit that im weak. he doesnt understand what its like to be an addict and i dont expect him to. its just hard because when i do talk about it with him he doesnt understand and it makes me feel alone. i tried explaining to him that just because im in recovery still makes me an addict. he didnt understand. nights like this when im sad, craving, and just want to cry in his arms are the hardest. we dont live together and ive never cried in front of him. it takes a lot to make me cry but we were talking tonight about what if we had a kid right now. i havent been feeling good the past week mostly i wanna puke after i eat because i dont feel good and he was bothered that i wouldnt have it. im 20. my sister had a kid at 20 and it messed up her whole life. i dont want that. theres a lot i want to do before i have kids. i already messed up once with taking that first hit of heroin when i was 10 and having a kid would just be another mistake. i really didnt have a point in writing this except that i feel alone and want to cry. sometimes crying is good. but why is it so painful?
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"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
life on its own terms is not easy but just a simple decsion can turn things around for you hun you know you are loved its okay to cry Lizzy its not a weakness it is actually a strenth think how much it takes to let those emotions go it courage in the face of fear don't hold back love you kiddo!
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Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough. Og Mandino
Normal people don't understand what it's like to be an addict. I need to share with other addicts about my addiction issues. Normal people can relate to our other emotional issues--fear, anger, guilt, etc. My wife is not addict. I don't share my addiction issues with her and I don't expect here to understand what it's like to be an addict. But I do share my other concerns and we can relate on those things.
Pain shared is pain lessened and glad you were able to free yourself here with your MIP family...There are alternmate programs for people who have other addicts in their lives.I also am active member of Nar- Anon(no implied endorsement)AS MY NOW 24 year old son is a Heroin addict,working his own program ,his own way)I had to learn to let go and let him fall,love him from a distance and even though I spent over 25 years in my own addiction,knew I could not help him,I still struggled with my faith beliefs and my process of working the program and knowing some things based on the evidence.Just stay clean for today Liz,making decisons is the biggest part of our 3rd step and then be guided by your Higer Power and keep sharing!!I believe ,two of God's greatest gifts are tears and laughter,they free us of our inside emotions, and yes contrary to what I was taught on the block,.Big boys do cry!!!! Hope you feel bettr............
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
I am an addict. I started using as a child as well. As a result, I lost the ability to allow myself to give proper expression to my feelings. When I wanted to cry, I laughed instead, and when I wanted to laugh, the tears would come.... there was no way to determine where I would be emotionally from one minute to the next in early recovery. I didn't believe any one could possibly understand what was going on in me. I went from a place of being emotionally flat lined to being emotionally erratic. But inside the rooms of NA I found that many did understand because they had been down the same road I was on. The road to recovery. I was once told that someone has not begun their recovery until they could cry again. It didn't matter whether it made sense or not, or if any one saw it, or even knew about it. As long as I was shut down from my emotional center, I was blocked from the healing that comes with recovery.
Today you are recovering. You are in the process of taking ownership of your internal world. The beautiful thing is that you are here sharing it with us, not locked into it by yourself any longer.
Give yourself a break, take a breath, close your eyes and thank the God of your understanding that you are not crying alone and don't ever need to Never Again (NA).
Please stay close to us here at Miracles In Progress, for without a doubt your a miracle in progress too, and we would love to be able to witness its continual unfolding.
Yours in the spirit of recovery, healing, and learning....
I feel alone. but im not. My boyfriend knows im an addict but we dont talk about it. i dont talk about when im having cravings or a bad day or when i just want to cry. people perseve me as a strong person and i am. i cant admit that im weak. he doesnt understand what its like to be an addict and i dont expect him to. its just hard because when i do talk about it with him he doesnt understand and it makes me feel alone. i tried explaining to him that just because im in recovery still makes me an addict. he didnt understand. nights like this when im sad, craving, and just want to cry in his arms are the hardest. we dont live together and ive never cried in front of him. it takes a lot to make me cry but we were talking tonight about what if we had a kid right now. i havent been feeling good the past week mostly i wanna puke after i eat because i dont feel good and he was bothered that i wouldnt have it. im 20. my sister had a kid at 20 and it messed up her whole life. i dont want that. theres a lot i want to do before i have kids. i already messed up once with taking that first hit of heroin when i was 10 and having a kid would just be another mistake. i really didnt have a point in writing this except that i feel alone and want to cry. sometimes crying is good. but why is it so painful?
When I get like that, and it happens when it happens, I like to be by myself. If you haven't tried it, put it on the list of things to try. Put on a funny movie and be by yourself for a bit, let the feelings out and see how it feels afterward. If you want to puke, go puke if you think it would help.
Crying is painful because it symbolizes the feelings we have that we don't want to release. That's why you can suddenly burst into tears, or WANT TO, at the oddest times.
One thing I've learned in my recovery... never rely on a "normie" to understand what you're going through. That's why sponsors are so important.
I've been blessed (and cursed) with a husband that is an addict, as well. He understands my emotional fits, to an extent, but only the women in my life truly understand the upheaval of female recovery. I hate to say it, guys, but it is different.
I've found that when I get into those feelings of utter rabid anguish, I find healthy ways to release that. I'm a pianist, so I sit at the piano. One of my friends is a runner, so she runs. Others play video games (yeah, I do that, too...), journal, primal screams outside (or from inside your car if doing it outside will incite fear in the neighbors and make them call the cops)...
It's hard to say whether it's better to date someone in recovery or not, but I know for myself, if I can't be honest about my feelings, I'm setting myself up for a suicide... afterall anger turned inward is depression... and I sure do get angry when I can't express myself! :)
I go through an entire range of emotions today, and I do get overwhelmed by them, controlled by them, many a times. I feel so grateful that I can allow it alll to transpire today in my life, within me, for good or for bad, and yet I do not need the buffer of alcohol or drugs. At times, I feel so powerless, so caught up in acting out on my emotions, to my utter disadvantage, but then I get to learn to go through it all, I do not run or escape by fixing it all with chemicals. What a freedom!
I can share about it, for a change... bring it all out. Also, reading NA literature helps me a lot, gives me a lot of direction at times of emotional turmoil... Praying and talking about it with my Higher Power helps too. I do feel hurt, angry, hopeless, resentful... also joy, gratitude, faith, forgiveness... I guess that's how it is in recovery, to learn to be human again...
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
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