I'm, I dunno, a few weeks clean. It's been pretty annoying. Definitely the hardest thing I've ever done before. I'm just kinda doing it day by day, though that seldom feels like it's enough.
I've only explained the situation to a few people. My wife, since she reads me like a book, and one or two close friends-- but even those friends I hold back on.
I'm embarassed. Being weak in body is something I'm used to being a lanky dude, but my mental powers are being called into question, and it's making me uncomfortable.
I find it ironic that I'm on more doctor-prescribed drugs to help me get over the drug I was doing before. Like something that balances out somehow..
I'm not sure what I'll find here; perhaps encouraging words? Perhaps people telling me to get my sh1t together.
Anyway, hey, I'm Cyn, and I'm a druggie (though pretty low on the spectrum of what a lot of you people are likely doing).
It's been hard. I'm struggling on nearly a daily basis. Everything, it feels like, is seen through a fog or filter. Very little strikes me as interesting, I have trouble staying focused on things I used to enjoy. I would almost say I'm desperate for SOMETHING to enjoy, though it elludes me. Well, no, strike that, the only thing that has served as a distraction is flirting, my old stand-by for times of emotional distress and low self-esteem. <shakes head> Shameful, but so so exciting at the same time.
I can't hake the feeling that I should be better than this. My father was a drinker (not my bag), and a womanizer, and he abandoned more than two families in favor of his vices. I don't want to be the same way, but there are so many patterns between our lives, and it worries me. THIS, of course, I cannot admit to my wife, not even to introduce it as only a theory. Leaves me with few people to talk to.
So, how does this work? What am I supposed to do now? Keep plugging away? Give in every now and again and hope that this time, maybe this time, I'll be able to keep it under control? Seems far-fetched.
Hey Cyn! welcome.first of all if your life is unmanageable(outward ,obvious,)inward less obvious) and you are powerless of your addiction(not only using drugs against your will but when the driving force in your life is out of control,you certainly qualify.. ,welcome.Its not about what you used ,or how much or who your friends are but only what your problem is and how we can help!!Our suggestions are always the same,make an NarcoticsAnonymous meeting,listen,maybe share where your at,follow directions and suggestions and find out "who you really are"You can GOOGLE NA.ORG and read our literature"Who's an addict,What is the NA program IS ,How it works etc...(can download our basic text, but I would suggest getting to a meeting and getting a basic text from the meeting place,some numbers with faces attached to them and get ready to find a "new way to live" Glad you showed up here.Step 1 We admitted we were powerless over our addiction(physical mental and spiritual illness)our lives had become unmanageable......,putting down the substance is where our recovery begins.The healing starts here,,c'mon in from the storm!We need you, as we keep what "we' have by giving it away.....
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
That came out wrong. The only people who are powerless are people who choose to be. I am not choosing to be powerless, though I do require help to reach my goal. Help from people, I mean, nothing fictional.
For me, I found I am powerless over my use of drugs & alcohol. And no, it is not my choice to be so. Once I start using either, I loose control over my life & my sanity. I do stupid shit and hurt people I love & sometimes even people I don't know. I had to admit that to myself before I could stay even one day clean & sober. For me, I will never learn to control my drug & alcohol use. That makes me powerless. Peace.
For me, I found I am powerless over my use of drugs & alcohol. And no, it is not my choice to be so. Once I start using either, I loose control over my life & my sanity. I do stupid shit and hurt people I love & sometimes even people I don't know. I had to admit that to myself before I could stay even one day clean & sober. For me, I will never learn to control my drug & alcohol use. That makes me powerless. Peace.
Well, you know yourself better than I do, but if you don't mind my opinion, you made a choice to remove yourself from the equation. That's a choice, and making a choice gives you power. Maybe I'll never get what I want, the ability to moderate my usage, and if I reach that decision, the CHOICE is to accept my weakness but not let it control me. Choice = power.
You are right. By making a choice, I have empowered myself. I have not felt this empowered over my life and my choices in many, many years. Thank you for helping me to see that. I wish you much luck on your journey, wherever it may take you. Peace.
-- Edited by nezyb on Tuesday 8th of March 2011 11:33:20 PM
If I could moderate my drug use successfully, I'd still be using drugs. I realized after many years of denial, that I couldn't control my drug use for any sustained length of time. I would always fall back into the pattern of using drugs and alcohol every day, usually several times a day. I realize that I didn't want to be totally drugged out for the rest of my life, and I decided I give NA a try. I started going to meetings--best decision I ever made.
Go to NA meetings. Listen to what people are saying. If you can't relate to it, you can always go back to drugs.
Hey Cyn ,,just got back online,hope this day finds you blessed and another day clean(if you so choose)for me ,I was a little unclear what you were asking for? you said how does this work,what am i to do now.This is a NA forum and we speak of THINGS THAT HAVE HELPED US IN OUR JOURNEYS WITH DRUG ADDICTION.First maybe you do not consider yourself an addict,only you can determine that,Next there are many many different roads to recovery(if thats what you are looking for?) hOLISTIC HEALING/SOBER HOUSES/ACUPUNTURE/COGNITIVE THERAPY,SO MANY) NA is a program that has worked for me.You ALSO may not believe addiction is a disease?.There is great reading from Dr. Jeffery Shaller ,A writing called Addiction is a choice,not a disease .Based on using drugs for disease like sugar/high blood pressure,etc helps to make you better.Using drugs for addicts helps to keep them sick..Totally refutes Disease model of addiction.Interesting reading, Have read it through many times and doesnt work for this addict..(BASIC TEXT/WORKS HOW AND WHY and other literature much more helpful for me........We are considered a cult and mindless robots..One man's opinion and a Doctor at that,with scientific facts???.......I know addiction is a physical ,mental and spiritual illness that overtakes all parts of our lives.Sometimes that unmanageability and powerlessness is even worse when we put down the drug.But we also believe we were in the grip of a hopless dilemma that is spiritual in nature and therfore we approach our addiction by not using substances and work in our solution,the steps"guided by a power greater than we are.For me I had to admit and surrender to utter defeat and I was then freed ,drug put down to make 'those choices" to find a process to help not only keep me free from active drug addiction but how to live life without all the unmanageabilty(the driving force) relationships/selfcenteredness/need to be rightness(is that a word.etc.Our purpose is to remain clean ,just for today,and to carry our message....an addict,any addict can stop using drugs,lose the desire to use and find a new way to live.When I had to use in the morming to be able to function even though i didnt want to get high(just chase my sick away) when I had to drink to stop from shaking so I could try to function I considered myself powerless,God allowed me to make a choice of living or dying,I chose life,but it took work of which I do each and every day .And I help myself by giving back to others who may be asking for help /As I apply spiritual principles in my life and have arrived at a place where my primary purpose of remaining clean and carrying our message is still my focus I have reached an another area of my purpose and that is to be of maximum service to my God(your choosing of your own concept and that includes none at all) and to help others.I truly wish you well in your recovery(if that is what you are choosing to do?) I still have people in my life at my age 63,using,dying,totally out of control and not wanting recovery..I can only carry the message of hope and apply it in the actions of my life ..After 50 years of addiction and recovery I realize how little I really know,but I do know that 'more is revealed each day in recovery..Good luck to you on your journey. I hope you find what you are seeking.....Give NA a shot, like Dave says you can always go back to drugs if its not for you.peace...............
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
If I could moderate my drug use successfully, I'd still be using drugs. I realized after many years of denial, that I couldn't control my drug use for any sustained length of time. I would always fall back into the pattern of using drugs and alcohol every day, usually several times a day. I realize that I didn't want to be totally drugged out for the rest of my life, and I decided I give NA a try. I started going to meetings--best decision I ever made.
Go to NA meetings. Listen to what people are saying. If you can't relate to it, you can always go back to drugs.
I totally understand what you're saying, Dave. It sounds like my patterns are very similiar to yours. Start off with good intentions like, "once a week, as a treat to myself," and pretty soon it's, "what a long day, maybe I'll treat myself," and before I know it it's, "9am, time to light up."
I HATE that feeling of dependency. I've never been dependent on anything before. It's new, and very interesting to see how powerful it is. Usually, I make a conscious decision to stop something, and that's the end of it.
With this, though... I know it's all out of the house so the opportunity for an easy fix isn't there, but I can't stop thinking about it. I don't even WANT it that bad, to be honest; I know the effects I'm likely to get, and while they're likely to be enjoyable, they aren't OUTSTANDING like they were in the beginning, but at the same time, the drive is there lingering in the forefront of my conscious mind. A friend said that people who use a lot are always looking for the first high again, or "chasing the dragon." Is that the right term? I think it's about right.
Honestly, putting aside the shakes, irritation, and barely controlled need to thrash out at whomever happens to annoy me, it's ALL very interesting to observe in myself.
It's been 3 weeks and 1 day since the last time I used. But I would LOVE to.
Oh, and MikeF? Thanks for your post in response to my own, but I must admit (and please take no offense) that I have a lot of trouble reading what you've said due to the ... Well, due to the grammar, dude. I know there's an important message there, and I've tried many times to locate it among the bold-faced, run-on sentences. No offense, dude, and I'm glad I have the support of yourself and people like you. I'm sure you've been very helpful to a great many people, and if I'm smart I'll eventually be able to pick up what you're laying down. :)
The idea, though, of relegating my own will to the back seat to let a spiritual body (God, Buddah, the flying spagetti monster, etc) take over is, to ME, highly offensive and suspect. It's actually one of the main reasons I hesitated before joining a site like this, or seeking attention from the "established" support groups. *I* got myself into this situation, and with help from PEOPLE around me, *I* will get myself out of it-- or die trying. I'm glad people have their own spiritual beliefs, and generally accept that whatever gets you through the nights of aching for your fix of choice is probably a good thing, but when used to let yourself off the hook for your situation, or for getting yourself out of your situation, well, to *me* that's interpreted as in an unfavorable light.
Hey Cyn ...yes ,only meant to be helpful,i probably write like I talk ,"run on" :) and yes it is also true The God (flying spaghetti monster) is up to you or like we are told "no spaghettie monster at all" just not you!!! You are "smart" or I don't believe you would be reaching out ,to see whats up.....anyway.... Peace man..keep it rollin...like my sentences!!!!Hope to see ya back.......
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
Hey Cyn ...yes ,only meant to be helpful,i probably write like I talk ,"run on" :) and yes it is also true The God (flying spaghetti monster) is up to you or like we are told "no spaghettie monster at all" just not you!!! You are "smart" or I don't believe you would be reaching out ,to see whats up.....anyway.... Peace man..keep it rollin...like my sentences!!!!Hope to see ya back.......
<laughs> No worries, Mike. Like I said, I appreciate the support through this initial tough period I'm going through. Well, if there is a God, it doesn't matter whether I believe or not. And if there is no God, it also doesn't matter whether I believe or not. So I see no reason to worry about it. There are forces at work around us all the time which we are unaware of; I choose to call these forces nature and rely on science to find answers (for chemical and psychological addiction, in this case) rather than what you appear to believe.
Again, thanks a lot for the support. How long have you been clean, Mike?
Check my bio ,click on MIKEF will give you tiny backround,BY GRACE OF GOD DEC2ND THIS YEAR 26 YEARS FREE FROM ACTIVE DRUG ADDICTION(celebrated at my Homegroup NEW DAZE!! )Still approach the rest of the illness ,day at a time.Started using around 1959 first real memories(first alcoholic blackout ,week out of school,the run on the downbound train just began rollin! Keep moving forward CYN it really does get better..we say it gets good,then it gets real good and then it gets real!!! peace man...
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
Yes, I was chasing the first high for many years. Using was fun at first. I would be lying if I said it wasn't. But the fun left and it just became a habit. A would get a little buzz initially and then I would just feel burned out and bummed out. I stopped smoking pot (my drug of choice) for a couple of weeks once. When I started again, it was like the first high again. I thought to myself--this is great, I'll just smoke pot every once in a while and it will be great. But it didn't work out that way. I soon wanted to smoke again, and again, and I was back in the same rut of being stoned or burned out all the time, despite my best intentions. That's when I realized that something was wrong. As soon as I put that drug in my body, I changed and the drug took over. I did not have control.
Yes, I was chasing the first high for many years. Using was fun at first. I would be lying if I said it wasn't. But the fun left and it just became a habit. A would get a little buzz initially and then I would just feel burned out and bummed out. I stopped smoking pot (my drug of choice) for a couple of weeks once. When I started again, it was like the first high again. I thought to myself--this is great, I'll just smoke pot every once in a while and it will be great. But it didn't work out that way. I soon wanted to smoke again, and again, and I was back in the same rut of being stoned or burned out all the time, despite my best intentions. That's when I realized that something was wrong. As soon as I put that drug in my body, I changed and the drug took over. I did not have control.
Yep, very similiar situation. So, what gets you through each day? Especially when nothing feels interesting or worth thinking about?
1. Go to a meeting (many, many meetings) 2. Get a sponsor (VERY important!) 3. Work the steps (or die!) 4. Get involved (and get out of your head!)
There's a great pamphlet on the na.org website entitled, "Am I an addict?" NOONE can answer that for you. It's an answer that can only come from within the individual.
Talk about lots of unwillingness & close-mindedness right now... I was there, too. Addiction is a disease? I'm powerless? GOD?!?!?! Bullshit! Where was god when I needed him most? :)
It took me a while to understand some of these words. When I read more in the basic text as to WHY they used these words, I calmed down and got over myself. hehehe
Disease = dis-ease, lack of ease, "an impairment of health or a condition of abnormal functioning" I think using, despite the consequences (legally, physically, emotionally, mentally, etc) qualifies as an abnormal functioning person.
Powerlessness = not having control over (I've learned that all I have control over in life is my actions - it's just accepting it that's so difficult!) GOD = Good Orderly Direction, Group of Druggies, the Christian God, the Muslim Allah, the Native Creator, etc. It's whatever understanding you have.
Choice = I thought to myself, "Well, it was my choice to put the drugs in my body, so I can't have a problem! I can put it down at any time, I just don't want to!" However, any time I tried quitting on my own, I found myself more miserable than before. The using always came back until I got help. Then I made a CHOICE not to go back, work some steps, get out of my crazy head, and start living life in a positive and healthy manner.
There is hope for those of us who are intelligent... though it's been said, "You can't be too stupid to get recovery, but you can be too smart!"
You're doing just fine. :) Now get your butt to a meeting!
Dear Cyn, when I worked the first step the first time around and started applying it in my daily life and situations, it slowly dawned on me that embracing powerlessness means to not settle for limitations, to not try to do everything by myself making it more and more of a struggle.
For me, to own and embrace my powerlessness today means opening up to the unlimited energy of a Power greater than me, allowing this energy and life-force to penetrate within me, envelop me and to do for me what I at times cannot and at other times need not do by myself.
The first step has always and continues to allow me to tap into all the Power that can be and that could help me fulfil what I truly desire in my existence. It opens me up to the Power and the miracle of the remaining 11 Steps. It's smart and it's surely advantageous. This is exactly what the slogan "Surrender To Win" means.
Just my experiences that I felt a need to share here. Thanks for sharing, fellowship hugs.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
