Where do I begin? Where do I end? My brain is a jumbled mess. It is chaotic and questioning. I am amazed at how "put-together" my life is. The external circumstances in no way represent the internal struggle. I have three wonderful children, an amazing husband, a beautiful home. I am respected by my peers, loved by my family and friends. I have a ton of friends and amazing family. That is all external. The internal mind is a mess. I suffer with anxiety, depression, obsessions, compulsions, addiction, attention problems, paranoia. Why on earth does the external version of me not reflect the internal version, I know not.
I sometimes think it would be easier if the chaos of my life was a direct reflection of the chaos in my brain. At least then there wouldn't be a constnat war within me of who I am and who I am perceived to be.
Externally, I am the life of the party, the one who has it all, the one who brings people together, hosts the events, never knows a stranger. Internally, I am literally fighting for my life. How is it that I am two different people?
I work so damn hard to keep up the external while constnatly battling the internal. The chaos in my brain, the constant chatter, the never-ending "noise", the battles of what is right, what is wrong, the evil thoughts, the negative thoughts. They eat me alive. Every day. Every minute. How then, am I able to fool the whole world into believing I am great?
I am not trying to fool anyone. I just live externally how I wish I was living internally. But, in this instance, fake-it-til-you-make-it, isn't panning out. I am dying inside.
The more I know, the more I learn, the more confused I get and the louder the "noise" in my head. What the shrink says, what the doctors say, what you all say, what books say. Everyone is right, and at the same time, everyone is conflicting. Who do I believe? Whose advice do I heed? They are conflicting, yet overlapping.
And then there is the always-present voice of satan in my head. The one telling me to do the things that no one, not you, nor the shrink, nor the books are encouraging. Telling me to pop another pill, drink another drink. You need it. You have a headache. We will start tomorrow with sobriety. This voice, unfortunately, is the most powerful of all. It is the LOUDEST! It pushes out all of the other voices.
You know why? Because it is the EASIEST to listen to and it is the only one that will make me feel any sense of relief from the chaos for at least 5 minutes, at most 1/2 an hour, because after 1/2 an hour, the guilt sets in. The guilt, that is the ruler of my mind. It sets in and it eats away. It tells me how shameful I am. How wrong I am. How lost I am. How disappointing I am. I know, deep down, this is that same voice of satan who is just calling me to hate myself enough to use again tomorrow, for the logical part of me knows guilt is non-productive to any sort of cleansing.
But, it wins, time and time again, it wins. Damn it. I don't want it to win today. I want to win today. I am going to win today. Just today.
Usually, this is where I would end apologizing to you all for rambling or saying too much or whatever. But screw it! I am not apologizing anymore. I am such a self-deprecating person. I have NOTHING to apologize for in this post. Thanks for listening though. :) Hugs to you all.
You posted about going to your first meeting a week ago. When was your last meeting? When starting the Journey of Recovery it's suggested 90 meetings in 90 days...
-- Edited by Mike M on Thursday 3rd of February 2011 12:26:37 PM
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Work the Steps or Die MF. (My Friend :) Clean One Day At a Time by The Grace of God through The Power of NA
Recovery is an ongoing process. Some of the easiest things to fix are external (e.g. not using drugs, physical health, paying off debt, etc.). It takes longer to work on the internal stuff. I've been clean for 25 years and I'm still a mess at times. Just keep going to meetings and working the program: it gets better.
Welcome to my brain. And yes, I went to my first meeting last week. Unfortunately for me we only have one meeting here that meets during the day and only twice a week. All others are evening meetings. My husband is in sales for an ice melting company, and, well, for most of us, all we have to do is look outside to see what his life has been like. He hasn't been home to watch the kids in time for me to make a meeting. I have been snowed in for 4 days with 3 children 7 and under. Aside from the past 3 days, I do not feel at all comfortable taking my 3 children to the meeting with me. I am sure you can understand why, the words spoken there are not apropriate for my kiddos. Nor are they old enough to understand.
So, first meeting was great. Then unforeseen circumstances and being trapped inside with 3 kids for several days, leads to a little cabin fever. I want to go back to the same place I went before, but they only have one afternoon meeting a week, which is Wednesday, which is when I could have my parents babysit. After our blizzard and 15 inches of snow, I didn't dare get my kiddos out. In fact, here in this area, there are only 2 meetings a week that meet during the day--one is at another location. I, of course, understand that I will have to make it work, we are just stuck in a rare position right now. Our kids are out of school tomorrow as well. It is a lot easier finding a sitter, aside from my parents, for 1 child when the other 2 are in school, than all 3, especially when one is a baby.
I am sure you all can understand why I would like to go back to the same place. I felt warm and invited there. It was a huge step for me and it was amazing. I am vulnerable right now and truly don't want to have to start over every day going to different places. Maybe someday I will run all over the city to make a meeting, but right now, I am uncomfortable enough. Either way, meetings here are not as available as they probably are other places.
I may try to hit up an AA meeting. Those are everywhere and at every time. The one time I have been, I did not feel the same as I felt at the NA meeting. It was different, but it is better than nothing. I just need to get these kids back to school!!! Arrrgghh.
Hey Paula,we all have dressed up the outside but were dying on the inside.wE DO TALK ABOUT THIS BEING AN INSIDE JOB!..Coming to believe is what restores us tosanity!!! Whatever that power that you can turn your will and "lives' over to, is what allows us to step back ,make some decisions and let that power take care of the results.Three things we are told by our writings,1)2nd step is there to fill the void we are feeling after we put down the substance,kind of an emotional sobriety.2) that our 2nd step is "necessary in order to achieve ongoing recovery and 3) that some of us passed over this step with a minimum of concern only to find out the rest of steps won't work!!You have surrendered ,are you working toward coming to believe that a power greater than yourself can restore you to sanity??A process and most likely one that will adjust and change as time goes by..Its not about religion it is a spiritual journey,that will be enhanced by getting with people who are following spiritual paths.When we let the masks come off,we are vulnerable but then able to get help...Keep sharing from your heart,make every effort to get with those working a strong program of recovery(for this addict it is Narcotics Anonymous)and Let go and Let God!! Believe there is a peace that surpasses all understanding when we seek that power and relinquish what control we may think we have..thanks for sharing from your heart,that is how we help ourselves and others.peace..
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
I have a strong belief in God and a strong belief in Jesus. I am a Christian, have been for quite some time. What I can tell you is this: Here is where I am stuck. Here is where I think most people are stuck in their faith journey, spiritual journey, whatever one wants to call it. (I believe there is only one way, through Jesus Christ), but I digress. The place where I get stuck is not in prayer. Heck, I pray all day long. I pray for sobriety. I pray God takes away the cravings. I pray God gives me strength. Prayer is great, but is NOTHING without faith. Faith is the belief that HE WILL!! I want God. I beg for God. I ask that He takes this pain away. But my faith is lacking. I don't really, truly, whole-heartedly, without a doubt believe that He can or that He will!!! That is where I am stuck. I haven't always been this way. Two years ago I had faith like a child, beautiful, undeniable, earth-moving faith. The kind that doesn't question, doesn't doubt, just knows that He WILL answer, He WILL provide. Oh how I miss being child-like in my faith. God calls us to have faith like a child.
But I can't get there now. Haven't been able to for 2 years. Maybe that;s why I can get past that step.
Thank you for being so honest about your struggles. I too have been perceived by family and friends to be a better, stronger, more capable woman than what I find myself to be. Their outside perception seems to intensify my internal feelings of guilt and shame over who I have become. I didn't set out to become an addict, but here I find myself one. How did this happen to me? Maybe we are harder on ourselves because we are women, I don't know. I do know that for me, it has come down to living my life one day at a time. It is the only way I can. I have a belief that there is a power greater than myself in this world, and for a long, long time found myself praying to that power to please help me out of the internal mess I was in. Out of feeling the need to have to get high in order to make it through my day. Eventually I was led to the path of recovery through the grace of that higher power and the introduction to a 12 step program. I have been going to both NA meetings and AA meetings, as in my area NA meetings are also very limited, and the ones that they do have are not at times that work the best for me. Fortunately for me, there are many people in the AA meetings that also have addictions to drugs other than alcohol, or in addition to alcohol. Sometimes I have to put the alcohol part of it out of my mind and just listen for the experience, strength and hope being given as people share. I find myself getting up in the morning, praying to my higher power to help me through my day, clean and sober, no matter what I may encounter. To help me become the person I want to be, the one who others tell me I am but who I know I am not. I have to do this for me first, then for those I love. I don't know if it is going to work for me tomorrow. I can't worry about that. I just pray it will work for me today, pray at night in thanks, and then do it again the next day. My husband tells me I seem calmer and less stressed. Much to my amazement, I feel calmer and less stressed. So I keep going to meetings, keep reading, keep praying, and keep coming here. And blessedly, I no longer feel myself feeling like I have to get high to make it through my day. Mind you, I haven't been snowed in for 3 or 4 days with 3 kids under the age of 7 Maybe a nice hot "calgon take me away" bubble bath will help. Again, thank you for sharing. Peace.
Thanks for the powerful sharing. Yup...faith is the key. If we don't believe that a power greater than we are can do for us what we cannot do for ourselves then we truly are doomed to struggle. For me, coming to believe was a process. I did not come to the program with a belief in a loving, caring higher power. what happened was that through working the steps using the NA workbook and with the guidance of a sponsor, I began seeing changes in my life. I felt better, and was getting along better with others. As my life improved I began to develop faith. As my faith increased my life continued to get better which further increased my faith. So my faith journey has sort of been this circle of belief, followed by validation which fosters further belief, and so on. I still have a long way to go. Fear and character defects are still alive and well within me, but I am paralyzed and control by negativity so much anymore. I do not isolate and live a secret life (the me on the inside). My life is simpler, calmer, more God centered. I am better person who likes himself more than ever before. You don't have anything to apologize for. Your right where your supposed to be. Please, keep coming back.
I, too, prayed and prayed. I doubted whether God was hearing my never ending prayers for a solution. God eventually came through with vengeance. I received my gift, though I really wasn't ready. That was 7 years ago. Today I am happy to share that my shame has been lifted. Keep praying.
Hey Paula, Just saying Hi & hoping that today, at least for a little while, you find some inner peace and give yourself some love. You deserve it. Peace
Hey Paula thanks for the reminder of what early recovery is all about. I pray that I never have to go through that again. Time is a great healer hang in there it is so worth it xxxxx
-- Edited by Ruthy on Saturday 5th of February 2011 12:40:25 AM
