I think I am going to go to my first meeting tomorrow. I am freaking out. It says it is a closed meeting and has a T I think--for like topic. I don't know. I am so nervous. I am nervous I will see someone I know (I know, I know. They are there too, blah blah blah), but, and this is going to sound arrogant, but this is my heart. I know a lot of people where I live. I am a former school teacher, have my principal certification, am very active in my church, sing on the praise team, currently own my own business where I have 45 people working under me. I am so scared that my image will be shattered.
I know it shouldn't matter. But it seems to right now.
I know I need to go. You all have helped me see that. I am so thankful for you. But I am so scared. I am humiliated, full of shame.
I can't even tell my husband, so I am going to go during the day when my mom can watch my kids. I don't even know if I will tell her.
Have you ever felt like putting a name and a face to it, admitting it out loud, somehow makes it more real, maybe even worse than it is?
This shame. I don't even want to look anyone in the eyes and say it.
What do I say when I go there? Where do I sit? What do I say when they get around to me? I don't know what to do or say? But I don't know how to live like this anymore!!
I want to live for my kids. I want to live for my family. I want to live for me!!! I am slowly killing myself. I can't seem to stop. I need help. Why is it so much easier to write, to faceless people with only tag names? You can't look in my eyes and see what a failure I am. You can't look in my eyes and see the lies I have told or the things I have stolen, or how I feel I have no control over my life, or my thoughts.
I am weak. You can't see me weak. No one sees me weak.
I think my husband knows. I have bookmarked this site and one time I got back to the computer after he was on and this was pulled up. He doesn't want to talk about it though, because he will not mention it to me. He doesn't want to talk about anything though. He thinks by not addressing it, it will go away.
So, hence why I don't feel comfortable sharing this with him. Any advice on that? He doesn't want to hear it. Do I even need to tell him at this phase in the game?
I know this is rambling on and on. I want my life back. No, I want a life I have never had, a life I have never known. A life without the fear and the dread.
I feel unworthy though, unworthy of recovery, for I have not used as much or as long as most of you have. I have not used heroin, or any hard/illegal drugs for that matter. Pot a few times as a college kid, but nothing hard.
I love hydrocodone but haven't taken it every day for an extended period of time, just off and on for years--lately more on than off. And I have never taken a lot at a time. Never more than 1 or 2 a day. So am I even an addict? Help give me clarity friends.
Please don't think I am nuts. I am so humbly sitting here, vulnerable as hell. Please be kind.
Today has been a bad day for me, crying, discouraged, again thinking how am I going to do this? Then I log on here and I read this and I think, WOW!!! I am a professionial in a small community where I have lived and built a solid reputation over a period of 20years. By the nature of my job, I know many, many people and am bound to run into someone I know at a meeting. Our drugs of choice and patterns are the same, except I did more than 1 -2 a day when I had them. Didn't go out looking on the street, never used a needle, so am I really an addict? If I answer myself honestly, the answer is "yes". I have lived from refill to refill for a long time. I'm tired and I don't want to do it anymore. I do have the support, at least for now, of my husband. I have never had anything seperate from him and my kids and my job and I'm not sure how all of that is going to pan out. I cannot worry about that right now. I was more than scared to death to walk into my first meeting for all of the same reasons you state, and then some. I went because it was a condition of the outpatient treatment I signed up for, and for my husband, my kids, etc. etc. etc. I have found the something there that I have been missing in my life for as long as I can remember HOPE. Go to the meetings. The sense of shame I have felt for so long has turned to hope. I now walk into the meeting because it's where I want to be, and for me. I want this for myself, and I know I can do it. You can too. Simple, but not easy. Thanks for your post, good luck and Peace.
here are a few questions to ask yourself therefore that might help you clarify your ?s is your life unmanagble? do you feel powerless? In Na it does not matter how much or what you used just the desire to stay clean realize that drinking is also a drug myself I am a pain patient b4 I take my pills I have to ? my motives behind taking the medicine that I am perscribed live meeeting are the best advice sit close to the table if there is one take what you can and leave the rest how I intro myself at a meeting is by saying Hi my name is -----I am an addict then they go to the nnest there will be ppl just like y ou at these meeting nothing to fear but fear itself there is no shame in going to meeting this is prolly the right step if you see it causeing a problem look at that pros and con list work well for me there are ppl here that will share thier expierence stregth and hopes feel free to comment or just read what ever seems to help you the most hope that helps welcome home and keep coming back oh btw don't forget to breathe
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Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough. Og Mandino
Wow. Thank you so much, both of you. I already feel not so alone. I am in tears reading your posts because for the first time, someone gets me. I am not alone in my head. Thank you
All of the things,status,jobs,relations will not matter if the disease continues to progress.We have already talked of where this can end.Continue to reach out,we are not interested in what or how much you used or who your connections were,what you have done in the past or how much or how little you have now ,but only what you want to do about your problem and how we can help!!We can only carry our message that an addict(only you can determine that)any addict,can stop using ,lose the desire to use and find a new way to live..You will have to decide for yourself,but our message is hope and our promise is freedom from active addiction doing the work and incorporating the "solution" in your life, the steps...You are not a failure,you are caught in the grip of a disease that has no cure but it can be arrested and recovery then becomes possible! Addicts are anything but weak,our resources to get and use the next one is mind boggling,certainly not for the"weak"..You are responsible for your own recovery,yhere are othe programs for your husband but that is his decision.Its not the drug,tje comparison to what someone else used it is identifying with the symptoms of addiction,physical,mental and spiritual..If yoursearching the rug for a rock to put in a stem or someone who just drinks cough medicine ,if your life is unmanageable and you find yourself powerless,welcome,you have reached step#1.We suffer from obsession and compulsion...Come join us,we are here for each other,a day at a time.Let us know how the first meeting goes :) :)You can google Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text online and start looking at the literature,believe me "more will be revealed...
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
Normal people--non addicts--don't take opioid pain medications unless they are in serious pain and have a doctor's prescription. Addicts take pain medication to achieve a buzz or to escape life. If you are an addict, and you want to recover, I strongly recommend going to lots of NA meetings and not using drugs or alcohol--no matter what.
you said it i surrender go to the meetings you want sobriety in your life what is your life worth you are not alone or the only one that has struggled with this problem what are people going to think screw them and what they think we in the rooms will support you listen and learn get to the meeting you might be suprised at who you meet there
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some of us win some of us lose with god and this program i will be a winner
Well, my mom and dad are going to babysit. I am going to go to a meeting today at noon. I am nervous and scared, but I told my mom where I was going. Surprisingly, she totally got it. Apparently the addictive personality that I thought I solely inherited from my dad, also stems from her. I was doomed from the start. :) I kid. I think she has a lot more wisdom to offer me than I had originally anticipated. I will keep you posted. Thanks for the encouragement.
-- Edited by apbbowers on Wednesday 26th of January 2011 08:56:00 AM
Sometimes I come across a song that puts my soul into words better than I could. Recently I heard a song that resonates within me, take a minute maybe it will have meaning for you. :) "You are more" by Tenth Avenue North. Use youtube.
Oh my word!!! That is all I can say! For so many reasons. First of all, that is so crazy because I was listening to "You are More" by Tenth Avenue North right before I went into the meeting. God used that song, and you to reach me today. Unbelievable. God is good, friends. Look at all of these signs. Look at how He led me to you all and how you led me to a meeting.
The meeting was all I could hope for an more. It was exactly as you predicted. How did you all know???
I have never had a real "a-ha" moment like i did today sitting in that meeting. I was terrified. They were supposed to be covering a topic, but since I was new, they did a first step meeting.
Everything they said was exactly me. They were talking about my brain, only they were talking about themselves. And they were funny. I don't even know what to say. I am speechless. I know it is a long road, but I can't tell you all how thankful I am for you. God is using you in amazing ways.
I was hopeless before. Because of God, through you all as His messengers, I feel hope! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I wish I could squeeze all of your necks.
Seems so bizarre how this whole thing works, doesn't it? There are no rules, only guidelines. You can choose to use them or not, but if you listen, the ones who use them are the ones who are making it work. By giving what they have away, we receive much. And in turn, we give back to them, and we find we can give back to others. Amazing. Peace.
