So Mike, how do I do it? I mean, I am so ashamed to tell my husband that this is still an ongoing problem. He has no clue. I am so embarrassed ands scared of what he will think or say. I feel like I have always been a screw-up, and have tremendous guilt over what I have already put him through, emotionally, over the years. He has dealt with a lot of my insanity, anxiety, depression, etc. I don't know how to tell him that the drama hasn't ended for me. I don't know how to tell him that the woman he trusts with his kids every day and who he provides for and allows to stay home with her children can't seem to get it together!!
He is so down to earth and even-keeled. He lives his life as drama-free as possible. I don't want to let him down, yet again. I don't want to seem week, yet again, or unable to handle my family, yet again.

I know all the things I should do and say, but this is just my heart. I am terrified. Isn't there a way to recover quietly, without anyone having to know? Isn't there a way to not conitnue to bother the people around you, whom you have bothered so much of the years with your "issues" and not asking them to watch your kids for you to go to a meeting or wait around for you or have to listen to your issues. I am so tired of being the one with the issues. I just want it to go away. Isn't there a way to make it go away without the people in your life having to be effected by it at all?

As addicts we seem to always want an easier, softer way and thought we had found it in drugs. Until they didn't work for us anymore. I'd only been married to my wife a couple months when I came back to NA though we had been engaged three times over the course of three years before she took the risk. I was still using.

I quit a job to to get Clean. And it took me a few days to tell her I wasn't going to work but instead going to meetings during the day and again evenings. I had to be humble and honest with her. We (you) aren't bad people, we are people with a disease, the disease of addiction.

Fear of the unknown is normal, especially for us addicts. But which will be worse, continuing using or sitting down with your spouse and sharing what's really going on with you?

Today I have one thing I know for sure in life, I don't have to use again One Day At a Time if I don't want to. The rest follows in time.

Go to that link I posted with the NA Basic Text in pdf format. You're sitting at your computer, go do it now and start reading. Quit typing, quit thinking, start reading the answers on how NA Works if you want it.

Hi and welcome. How this programme works is by Honesty, Openmindedness and Willingness to do whatever it takes to stay clean. Don't let irrational fear hold you back act now before it's to late. Our disease is progressive and things will only get worse the longer you wait. Act now before you loose that wounderful husband, those beautiful children and that supportive family. Act now before you loose everything you hold dear cause that is what will happen belive me, it has happened to me........

Thank you all so much. It is sad to say, but I literally feel like I have almost gotten more out of the past 24 hours on this message board and reading the first few chapters from the link Mike sent me than I have from the past few years of seeing a psychiatrist and therapist. There is just something about communicating with and reading material from people who actually get it that makes you not feel so alone. I think the loneliness of this is the worst part. It is definitely a first step to healing, I believe, the realization that you are not alone.

I definitely agree that a face-to-face meeting is the way to go. As much as I would love to never leave the comfort of my own home, I think you lose something in translation on the internet. Tones are not heard, words are misinterpreted and it is easy to not view someone as human, and vulnerable, which is exactly what I am right now, as are, I am sure, all of you.

So, I guess the next step, in addition to continuing reading, and hopefully hearing from you all on message boards, is to find a meeting in my area. That is really scary to me. Scary for the unknown--walking into a meeting being stared at, not knowing what the protocol is, what to say, do. And then there is the conversation I will have to have with my husband. How do you convince someone that this is not just another fluke, one of your crazy ideas that you do that you never stick to?

I am sure I know the answer. I don't even know why I asked. First, I need to believe it myself. Second, my actions will speak volumes over my words.

My husband just lives in a state of ignorant bliss. He never has any clue that anything is amiss. I just hate to be the one who, yet again, pushes him down a few notches. I hate to be the one to give home more to worry about. As if caring for 3 kids and being the sole breadwinner isn't enough stress, then I go and throw all of my garbage on top of him. And just when he thinks he has a healthy, trust-worthy, respectable wife, I am going to pull the carpet out from underneath him. I am going to lose my credibility in this family.

I am just venting. Maybe looking for someone who has been through the same thing who can empathize or offer suggestions. I know to you all, they are just excuses. But they feel very real to me. And are scary.

Good morning Paula. I applaud you for following suggestions by starting reading our Basic Text. You have nothing to prove to anyone yet you proved to me open mindedness and willingness. Following directions can sometimes be tough for this thick headed addict!  Indeed you are not alone in this battle with addiction.

Yup, shrinks and therapy didn't "cure" my addiction either. Even six months in-patient didn't do the trick. Yet the powerful therapeutic value of one addict helping another is without parallel. Magic happens within the rooms of NA meetings, we stay in Clean in spite of ourselves! One day at a time becomes many one days at a time. The bottom line is NA works if you want and work it.

Thanks for allowing us to share our experience, strength and hope that no addict need die from the horrors of addiction without the opportunity to find a better way of life. We don't get well, we do recover.

Yes, find live NA meetings in your area ASAP.