Our understanding of a Higher Power is up to us.... The only suggested guidelines are that this Power be loving, caring, and greater than ourselves.
Basic Text, p. 24
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Weve been told that we can believe in any kind of Higher Power we want as long as it is loving and, of course, greater than ourselves. Some of us, however, have trouble with these requirements. We either believe in nothing but ourselves, or we believe that anything that could be called God could only be cold-hearted and unreasonable, sending us bad luck on a whim.
Believing in a loving Power is quite a leap for some of us, for many reasons. The thought of turning our will and lives over to the care of something we think might hurt us is sure to fill us with reluctance. If we come into the program believing that God is judgmental and unforgiving, we must overcome those beliefs before we can be truly comfortable with the Third Step.
Our positive experiences in recovery can help us come to believe in a loving God of our own understanding. Weve been given relief from a disease that has afflicted us for a long time. Weve found the guidance and support we need to develop a new way of life. Weve begun to experience a fullness of spirit where once there was only emptiness. These aspects of our recovery have their source in a loving God, not a harsh, hateful one. And the more we experience recovery, the more well trust that loving Higher Power.
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Just for today: I will open my mind and my heart to believe that God is loving, and trust my loving Higher Power to do for me what I cannot do for myself.
When I got here I was a Damned soul, or so I thought. Thou shalt not, thou shalt not, thou shalt nots was I all knew about the God of my youth. Seemed even my mother had forsaken me since she's the one who reported me and the life style I was living to the Bishop which got me excommunicated from the church. I had done and lived so many of the shalt nots I believed I was worthless scum bound for hell. Felt as if my mother didn't love me, the church of my youth didn't love me, God didn't love me, I didn't love me. Drugs once seemed to make it all ok and love me but they turned on me too.
Before coming back from my long relapse I was truly in a pit of utter devastation and despair. I desperately wanted what NA had to offer yet even going to 1 to 3 meetings a day everyday for three weeks I could not stop using. I had the Desire to stop using, I was going to meeings all I could find, but the obsession and compulsion was too great for me to stop. Seems my ego had not yet fully surrendered it's delusional thinking it was up to me and my will power. Even though going to lots of meetings I was still too scared and worthless to reach out to another individual and ask for help.
Yet somewhere I had found some small hope if I just kept going to meetings like you all said to do in the Rooms it would work. And I'll never forget as long as I live that Sunday night meeting when the Miracle happened for me. As always for those long three weeks I was at the meeting loaded, I could not stop! Something happened that night, something I could not do and wanted so badly, that night I was given the Choice, the choice to never Have to use again if I didn't want to! That terrible burden was lifted by what had to be a Power Greater Than Myself. Meetings by themselves didn't seem to be able to do it for me, I'd been going and going and going and still couldn't stop using, not even to attend the meetings. When I was ready, when I was fully beaten into submission by my disease and finally ready to humble myself to the possibility of a God who didn't hate me, I was ready to let this new God of my new understanding lift the obsession from me. And the Loving God of my understanding didn't lie to me, has never let me down, that relentless unyielding obsession to use has not returned in 30 years of One Day's At a Time. My God loves me, I don't have to use again today. The greatest gift and Miracle of all, I'm Clean again today.
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Work the Steps or Die MF. (My Friend :) Clean One Day At a Time by The Grace of God through The Power of NA
I've always known God was there for me. When I was young, I told God that I wasn't ready for him, but I knew he would be there when I was was ready. The arrogance! I guess I thought God wasn't any fun, and I thought I was having fun. Despite my arrogant attitude God kept me safe and alive. Looking back, I think he knew I would need him in a big way later in life. Which has been the last 11 years.
I joined a parish when I married a man who had grown up in said parish. He too was separated from God. I had a couple of kids, my in-laws demanded I baptise my children (I didn't care so I did it to keep peace). I did take a vow during the baptisms, I felt obligated to keep that vow to raise my children in our church. I felt responsible to let them learn and know God so that they could make an informed adult decision to either stay with the church or not. God was setting the stage.
In 2000, I had so much pressure applied to my psyche. An adolescent daughter (which set off deja vu to trauma I experienced but never acknowledged), an angry spouse, nursing school. The pain in my soul was so extreme I sought solution in the form of prescription pain medicine. It was the perfect solution, I relieved the pressure valve. Before graduating in Dec 2000 I was in the cycle of active addiction and fear. I couldn't let this problem come to light, it would ruin me professionally.
So I struggled privately.
In Sept 2001 with my degree in nursing and my fear and my private problem, I knew I had to sit for my state boards to obtain my nursing license (people were starting to wonder why I was dragging my feet). I had found a Christian radio station and heard song after song that spoke to me. I had by this time engaged in daily temper tantrums directed at God and if he really existed why he wasn't swooping in to save my sorry ass. I did get my act together in order to get my license and my first job as an RN. I'm glad to say that my relationship with God really began.
By 2004 with access to any kind of controlled substance one could ask for I was so sick and beaten I was back to begging God on a daily basis to stop me fore I couldn't stop myself from stealing and using. He did and the miracles continue even today.
I relapsed my way through the diversion program offered to nurses. I've almost died many times, yet I live. I've mostly forgiven myself and 11 years later I have a very strong faith that God will always lead me down the right path if I am willing. God is like a strong parent who will discipline me so that I will continue on a healthy path, for what purpose I know not. I live everyday praying for the knowledge of God's will and the strength to carry it out. I have 36 days of clean time. Just for today I will be grateful for those 36 days, never-mind the 11-year struggle. I am here today.
Parochial schools,altar boy from 2nd grade on,Nuns,brothers,priests,punishment,guilt,confession,stations of the cross,novena's ,saturday detention in the convent,1st Catholic High School in Poughkeepsie,Lourdes,had to qualify for, segregated boys/girls everything I did was a sin!!! Inappropriate behaviors from those supposedly "holy"I was saturated and I ran from it ,ANGRY,FRUSTRATED AND LOST...Came back from 4 Years,1970, in Armed Forces,and everything changed,lay people doing communion,mass in english,face to face confessions, COULDN'T EAT BEFORE COMMUNIONS,EMBARRASSMENTS IF YOUR TITHES WEREN'T IN THE OFFERING,AND DISCUSSED IN MONDAYS CLASS(would spend my envelope money on bottle of Hombre or some 'drug store up or down" was a long time before I arrived where I am now with relationship I have with my Higher Power ,WHOM i STILL CALL GOD.See was always same God for me ,just the relationship changed,from one of punitive ,fear and guilt to one of love and caring..A process ,definitely not an event! When I remain fully God centered and practicing spiritual principles in all my affairs,I am graced with ability to take part in human existence,give back and be all God intended me to be,when I am off the track,things are so much more difficult as I take my will back...3rd/11th step upon opening my eyes each morning,asking for forgiveness ,asking to be able to forgive others and to make amends with myself,get me ready to get out of bed,sure nuff work then begins,and not just my job!!!
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
