Hi all. Here it is,, what do recovering addicts do to cope with spouses, girlfriends, partners that drink and are not alcoholics ? Im facing issues here,,,and would appreciate shares on this please !
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Yes, my wife drinks but is not an alcoholic. She sometimes has a glass of wine at dinner and that's it. I had to adjust to it when we began our relationship, but I don't even think much about it now. She keeps her wine bottle out of my sight, so I don't have to deal with it. It's just something she does that I don't do. We've been happily married for 22 years.
I don't get it Raman.... If she's a social drinker with no alcoholic issues then what are you "coping" with? Is it that being around who drinks even in moderation is weakening your resolve not to?
I am blessed ,my wife may have a glass of wine occasionally ,but is not an alcoholic...If your significant other is not alcoholic,I don't see it being an issue.If you are struggling ,you may want to be honest and share your feelings.It is like being with people that may smoke,or eat too much,or gamble etc...remain focused on your own recovery and always be honest about your feelings...now being"alcoholic" thats another whole ball of wax....I often play with musicians who have 'A FEW BEERS, but are not getting twisted although I dont go in areas where there may be drug use....
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
My wife too is a normy. Debi took a gamble and we got married two and a half months before I found my way back to NA after a couple year relapse. Early in my recovery it was dangerous for me to be around any drugs including alcohol. We talked about it and she supported me. Initially we kept our house free of alcohol and she didn't get a glass of wine when we went out to dinner. After two or three years in active recovery, don't really remember exactly how long it's so long ago, anyway one night when we went out to dinner I told her it was ok for her to get a glass of wine with dinner if she wanted. I'd already been in situations being around alcohol like company parties etc. and knew my program of recovery was on firm foundation. After that we made the decision it was ok to have alcohol in our home again. It's been well over two decades of alcohol in our home and it's just not an issue for me. It's not there for me anymore than prescription meds of hers are there for me.
As long as my program of recovery is on firm foundation I can be around whatever. I don't hang out in bars or dope dens, but if situations put me around people using it's them using not me. Have I found myself in a room of people slamming H? No, my life style doesn't put me in those situations. But if I was a paramedic or the like believe it would be ok for me to be there for the right reasons. I have no fear of drugs attacking me today because I have an active defense. Not being delusional thinking I'm well, absolutely not. I have the disease of addiction which will be part of me all my life. It's about knowing who and what I am and keeping active in my recovery and knowing my Higher Power is more powerful than any drug.
If I am living my life according to the principles of the program, if I am maintaining a conscious contact with the God of my understanding seeking only knowledge of his will and the power to carry that out I have nothing to fear.
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Work the Steps or Die MF. (My Friend :) Clean One Day At a Time by The Grace of God through The Power of NA
Thanks for those wonderful responses yal. What Ive gathered is this; you folks have not had problems with your significant others social use of alcohol.
In effect, this means that I, a recovering addict, firmly rooted in the 12 Step Tradition of NA, should not be bothered when Sylvie has a beer.... Yes, that is true, I have no real issue with her doing that.
But, Ive noticed an emerging pattern which I want to share with you= I seem to get rattled into doing or saying stupid things before she drinks or after she drinks.
For example= I spoilt Christmas eve for us. When my honey was feeling great, and was in a fab mood, I said stupid things. I drove her away and f@!#$ her happiness, like i was a cruel, cunning chap, which I most certainly am not but behaved like one.
I did another foolish thing that afternoon when I ran away. She was just sharing a fear and I was angry,,, later realizing that I had reacted rather than being a mature adult......thankfully I was not angry or shouting bt scared...and running.
Now this is the matter that I gather thats the problem; If I had thought about screwing her trip up or had premediated things to say or do to hurt her, then Id not be in this quandry.
What bewilders me is that I acted as if I was not me at all. Seems like some other character was acting like me, causing mischief and pain and ruining it...
I remember the lines from AA "remember that we deal with alcohol, cunning, baffling and powerful" and it scares me no end...
And that, my friend Don, is what Im coping with. Basically, what do i do to stay unaffected ? Or is this something that I need to get used to in order to stay serene ?
Yes Mike, this certainly is the thing we will talk about when I meet her next, after this 5 day tour.....
Thanks all, for your honest and insightful shares.... You give me hope !! God Bless you this day...
-- Edited by Raman on Tuesday 11th of January 2011 05:18:50 AM
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Seems like it is making you feel uncomfortable. There is no shame in that. It is natural for a recovering addict to feel this when when people close to them use drugs or alcohol. Maybe if you realize that you are feeling uncomfortable, you can work on accepting it. Although I am now comfortable with my wife having a glass of wine sometimes, it wasn't always this way. Also, I don't think I would at all comfortable with her doing more than this, e.g. smoking pot, doing cocaine, getting drunk, etc.
When I first got clean and sober it was important for me to completely stay away from people drinking and using drugs, even social users with no addiction problems.
I realise that this was entirely down to me, not them, that I just wasnt secure enough in my recovery yet to deal - but at the same time I had to have some acceptance around that... its OK to not be comfortable around other people's drinking, just as some people who have just given up smoking might not want to be around partners/friends while they're having a cigarette (at first). I went through that, too.
I kind of went through a process - at first I wasnt comfortable around peoples drinking. Then, after a while, their drinking didnt bother me (i thought), but I noticed that it did affect my mood - I would get more argumentative or withdrawn when they drank. Sounds like thats the stage you're at at the moment. Then, a little further down the line, other peoples drinking didnt bother me at the time, but I noticed from re-reading journals and Step 10s that I was often more negative than usual for a day or 2 after Id been around drinking.
Now, Ive been clean/sober quite a few 24hrs now, and cant say other peoples drinking or drug use bothers me at all, or seems to affect me or my serenity either while Im around it or after. Most of my friends, workmates and family and in recovery. Most of them dont need to be. I can honestly say it makes no difference to me one way or the other if they drink/smoke/have a joint. I probably wouldnt be so keen on harder druguse, but then Im not really around that and, lets face it, watching someone shoot up or smoke a rock isnt exactly a spectator sport is it?
So for me its been a process - but at each step of the way Ive first of all had to become aware of how it was affecting me, and then gain some acceptance around that before Ive seemed to move on. I also found it useful (as always), to pray and hand it over
On a positive note you're a AWARE of how other people's drinking is affecting your mood, and that always is the first step to changing a situation. If you werent aware of it, or were stuck in blaming her ('hey man, she shouldnt be drinking around me in the first place!') then probably nothing would change - but you can see the situation, and you're taking responsibility and owning your part in in, so keep on keeping on and give time time. Addictions and the negative beahviour patterns that go with them thrive on secrecy, denial, and blaming, and wither in the light of awareness, sharing about it, and owning the situation. It took me many, many years to get to a point where I was completely neutral about other peoples drinking.
Great comments here for you Raman, I too had some difficulty in this area with Jenn.
It took awhile but I finally realized I was intolerant and actuallyjealous of her drinking, that she could have 1,2 beers and stop HAH my head said " why stop now stupid" "why even start if your not going to get drunk " .
But she could, that pissed me off LOL.
Practicing principles in ALL our affairs aint an easy task but we must otherwise we run people off, many defects in our charecter POP! the selfish side of our personalitys is so destructive , we end up hurting and harming others and often they retaliate in ways that hurts us back WAH WAH WAH then we become victims and big ass baby's and throw tantrums, LOL this is just MY experience with myself that i share.
Anyhow be more tolerant, you can recognize the feelings that come up but not act on them, that is the psychic change we are all after here, thinking and behaviors CHANGE, people aren't hurt then and neither are we but we must MUST be selfless.
This life we have isn't all about us, it's more for others, think on that.
Great comments here for you Raman, I too had some difficulty in this area with Jenn.
It took awhile but I finally realized I was intolerant and actuallyjealous of her drinking, that she could have 1,2 beers and stop HAH my head said " why stop now stupid" "why even start if your not going to get drunk " .
But she could, that pissed me off LOL.
Amen. We often use the term normy referring to people who can have only just one, stop anytime they want, don't have to get their head on their chest every time. Nothing normal about that to this addict!
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Work the Steps or Die MF. (My Friend :) Clean One Day At a Time by The Grace of God through The Power of NA
Tim said about ettin more arguementative or withdrawn around drinkin folks and this is what happens to me.
I play music and am basically a corporate entertainer. This means Im playin my sax mostly to folks that are drinkin and celebrating.. Ive come to accept thats how it is and never had any real problems or urges with that.
However, each time I had friendship or relationship with someone that drinks, Ive had the nigling goin off again.
Early in recovery it was Pa and my younger bro i was uncomfortable with, then bandmates that drank and blabbered, and the women and now with Sylvie... Ivariable these people were drunk or at the very least tipsy. In fact Christmas eve, Sylvie was tipsy with few beers and I later learnt she was in a lovin mood. But Interpreted it as she fingering me while all she was doin was good natured jest..
Ohhhh God, these signals can really get mixed up and complicate things ,,,, But being who I am,, I live in hope !!!
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
