Sometimes God has to smack me in the head to get my attention and I hate it. I found this board only yesterday and while I can honestly say that I haven't abused any drugs in 20 years, I can't say that I haven't taken any or that I've even had a program.
I find myself having the strangest thoughts today. Thoughts about using again. It seems to be a common occurance recently and as usual I turn to the Fellowship but I never stick around long enough to really get any peace. I'm still sick and tired after everything else because I haven't really been recovering, I've only been clean. I'm stuck in a rut and don't know how to get out of it. I'm stuck without a car to get to meetings because my husband works until 8 at night and by then all the meetings are over; plus he gets mad if I go to meetings because he thinks as long as I'm not using drugs then I'm ok. He doesn't understand the disease of addiction, but this isn't about him it's about me. I could continue to place the blame on him but part of it is me. I'm terrified of being in a room full of people because I judge myself so harshly that I think others are judging me as well. Anyway, thank you all for being here and willing to reach out. I'm going back to my step work and try to make myself write a fourth step after I work the first 3 again. Yeah, I know in 20 years you would think I would have done a 4th step but I've always shied away from it.
Maybe you are an addict, maybe you are a normy who can sucessfully use socially, only you know the answer. Me, I am an addict, for me half measures availed us nothing rings true. My disease of addiction doesn't stop just because there are no drugs in my system. I am responsible for my recovery from addiction, no one else. For me, I had to be willing to go to any lengths in my recovery just like I did using, including walking many miles to meetings when I didn't have a car or even a bicycle. We are our own worst critics, it's our disease telling us others will judge us in meetings. We love you and accept you as we love and accept all addicts. We are people with the disease of addiction, not the scum of the earth.
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Work the Steps or Die MF. (My Friend :) Clean One Day At a Time by The Grace of God through The Power of NA
Thanks Mike, yeah I know I'm an addict. I've been reading the basic text this morning on step one and a still small voice told me that just because I don't have drugs in my system doesn't mean that I'm not an addict or that I'm clean. It's like a cancer patient taking one round of radiation and deciding that they are cured. I'm not cured because I haven't faced the root of my disease, so ok I've found the answer now it's time for me to quit wallowing in the muck of self-pity and do something about it. Thanks for letting me get that junk off my chest and I guess it's high time I put my recovery first again.
The meetings in my area are on the other side of town, guess I'll have to take the car more often so I can go.
Hey Shana ,glad your here....yup I also spent a long time "abstinent,not working,but staying clean,and I was broken...Literature tells us that those who get the most out of our program believe sponsorship is important and also our goal is recovery through our 12 steps ,not mere abstinence...(paraphrased)I truly believe "living in the solution" is our answer,I'll keep it on me,it is no doubt how I have formulated my 'NEW WAY OF LIFE"( along with First and foremost in all my affairs remaining God centered)Self sponsorship don't allow us to see our selves coming and sometimes we get lost in the mix..When you get TO really Identifying with your disease and not comparing yourself to others you will lose that fear OF BEING IN A LARGE ROOM(SOMEWHAT)Remember a simple honest message of recovery from addiction always rings true,we all have something to share......We share a common illness,addiction ,and some are sicker than others but we all eventually,without surrendering, end up in the same place,you know that,jails institutions,deriliction or death.Your husband may want to locate a Naranon meeting to help him or maybe not,your are responsible for your own recovery,he'll have to find his support..You hit the nail,if you havent purged the wreakage of the past and then took a 5th ,it will be difficult if not impossible to move forward, It sounds like you are kind of there!!.You will be freed up as long as you are totally honest... The.Progression of recovery is a continuous uphill journey,without effort we slide down the hill again,but the progression of the disease is ongoing,EVEN DURING ABSTINENCE.(recovery/relapse).iM LIKE A BROKEN RECORD HERE BUT IT WAS PART OF MY STORY.Staying clean and not in "spiritual principles ,God centered, .had me trippin!!!broken and spiritually bankrupt.You are reaching out ,get to a meeting,listen for a sponsor,get back in the solution,trust in your Higher Power(coming to believe is what restores us to sanity) and more will definitely be revealed... and all THE WORDS AND LITERATURE ARE "MEANINGLESS" UNLESS WE 'live it"(12th) c ya on the backside...Have a blessed day and oh yeah! No matter what JUST DON'T USE" THAT WILL STILL ALLOW YOU THE BEST SHOT POSSIBLE......
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
It sounds like you need to go NA meetings and get reconnected with the program and fellowship. If your husband truly care about you, he should understand that you need to do this your health and sanity.
