I found a sponsor about 2 months ago but am having some questions about her. Maybe you guys can guide me on this. I do not feel as if she has me really working the steps fast enough. She never calls me....maybe it's a 'tough love' thing. I do not know how the role of the sponsor works and I know that I am the one who is accountable here NOT my sponsor but I thought that a sponsor would at least call me every now and then. For weeks I called her every day. I feel compassion and love from her when I see her in the rooms but I don't think she really has the time to be my sponsor or maybe I am just a bad sponsee. I have asked her if she would occasionally call me and she promised she would but she never does. I get more wisdom, advice and counsel from an old-timer who is more like a father figure to me but I know he cannot be my sponsor. I am also still very confused about whether I should go to both AA and NA meetings or just choose one. I care for the people I have met in AA but I NEED NA so much more. I have only been to 1 NA meeting but I find myself wanting to stay in my comfort zone of the meetings I have attended frequently in the past. Today I am going to both AA and NA meetings and maybe I'll ask God what he thinks...
Call your sponsor, Deb. Call her, ask her if she wants you to call every day, if she has the time to work with you every day... if she doesn't, no hard feelings and find a new sponsor. The first thing my sponsor said to me after I asked her to be my sponsor was that if at any time, I felt she wasn't good for my recovery to tell her and she'd help me find a new sponsor... It's not about hurting people's feelings, this is about YOU.
As for the meetings, if you have aquaintences in AA, keep going. If you feel you need to be in NA, too? GO! I do both... But I go to AA more often because of the connections I feel with other recovering addicts. NA meetings for me, are triggers at times - I know that about myself.
Comfort zones are often danger zones in Recovery. For many years drugs were my comfort zone. Sitting in NA rooms with other recovering addicts was often uncomfortable, they KNEW who I was on the inside! I heard them talking about me as they shared in meetings! They'd read my mail! They knew I was worthless scum, lower than an ameoba, or so I felt and so I thought they thought. BUT, I kept Coming Back and indeed found the therapeutic value of one addict helping another is without parallel.
Not Working the Steps fast enough? Recovery is a process not a race. Two months clean try not to expect to be fixed, there is no fixed only progress. Patience. 30 years Clean and I'm not fixed, but I'm living in the solution, One Day At a Time in NA.
Realize too your Sponsor is another recovering addict with their own recovery and challenges, they are not gods with all the answers. But if they say they'll do something and don't I'd talk to them about it. And yes it's ok to find another sponsor if you aren't getting what you need. Just don't expect any sponsor to fix you for you.
We didn't become addicted in a day so remember Easy Does It. But do it.
-- Edited by Mike M on Tuesday 28th of December 2010 01:27:33 PM
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Work the Steps or Die MF. (My Friend :) Clean One Day At a Time by The Grace of God through The Power of NA
Funny that this should come up. I was at a meeting today where the topic was how quickly to work the steps. The opinions were expressed very strongly on both sides. Personally, my sponsor had me wait 3 months before starting the steps. I was directed to readings during this time. He had me read the IP "triangle of self obsession" every day for a month. Then the next month was the IP 'self acceptance". Then the "how it works" chapter in the basic text. I had to do a 90 and 90. then we worked the steps. Most sponsors I know have their sponsees call them everyday. The sponsor may or not call the sponsee, often not. My sponsor has never called me yet I feel very close to him. It's just how alot of people work it. I don't like the idea of switching sponsors unless there is really a lousy fit. If you feel compassion and love from her, then I would stick with her. If you have questions, ask her. I would expect her to share why she is doing things the way she is with you. Most sponsors will probably tell you "because that's what my sponsor did with me". It worked for them, so they pass along their experience.
Hello Sullen my name is mike I am an addict and alcoholic and a very grateful one at that. I am very interested in what you wrote about sponsorship and why this about your sponsor and why that about your sponsor. As I have on in the rooms about why in treatment centres or recovery homes do not teach people what a sponsor is or a sponsee is and what responsibilities they both play. I also am very grateful for Narcotics Anonymous and Alcoholics Anonymous for being around and when there was no N.A. meetings in Ottawa in the 70's I went to A.A. because I am an alcoholic and I was empty but still went in and out of meetings finding myself and sticking with one sponsor as I still have the same sponsor when I first came to A.A. back in 1977 when I got out of prison. Also I am going to say the rest before I go into answering your final question and also I was on a unit where in the 80's there was this guy who came to the unit where I was at and it was a forensic unit and he spoke on N.A. and he told us his story and I listened as Bill W did when he spoke to Dr. Bob and the third member of A.A. Bill D where Bill D was a hopeless case and he punched a nurse and Bill W and Dr. Bob went and seen abd in some of the pictures A.A. has the three guys in a room and one sitting on the bed well that is a true event in picture form. I listened to the gentleman and right there and than i knew I was not empty anymore and I found another home to which is N.A. and that group I joined well N.A. was just getting off the ground and there were 6 of us in a small room with the N.A. meeting and from there there is today 300 members strong and also there are well over 2 or three meetings a day in N.a. and I am coming up to 10 years clean and sober and I am still a member of the New Beginnings group of N.A. in Ottawa and was a member since it started in the 80's and still have the same guy who came up to the forensic unit as I did not know what a sponsor was and I played it by ear but you are very fortunate to ask questions on this request to adventure your knowledge and i have to say Sullen in order for you to get to know someone is to know yourself first and please don't let this true happening let it pass you by and stick with the sponsor at hand and what you may think she does not know maybe you can help your sponsor as well. My sponsor in A.A. has not said anything to me as to where he goes and I ask him where he is going tonight and you know what his response to me is "where are you going" and i tell him like a dummy I am and than I ask him again where he is going and he says "it is important where you are going and you don't have to know where I am going" guess what he is right it is none of my buisness where he goes. So Sullen what i am trying to say is we don't have to know everything of what our sponsor does and if you are complaining she does not phone you than be patient and do't complain about the miracle you are getting and get what you have today is you are very lucky to have a sponsor that accepted to sponsor you as a sponsee and look at the front of it that sshe said yes she was going to sponsor you and that is what is important and get to know her and it is not going to take you two months to get to know someone right off the bat and this is a lifetime of learning in this program and it is one day at a time. GOD BLESS (prayer is also the best medicine) and read in the big book step eleven prayer and meditation
Generally, sponsors don't call sponsees. I was told sponsees should call their sponsors. The reason for this is so the sponsee will learn how to reach out to others and take responsibility for their own recovery.
Believe it or not ,I sit with my sponsees before I accept working as their sponsor and we discuss a lot of things beforehand.Times to call(always if ready to pick up other times I may not answer immediately but will return call,why they chose me,how I approach the step work(most important).traditions and concepts,frequency of contact,spirituality scenarios,(your own understanding of your Higher Power)mutual honesty,confidentiality.I try and not make it formal but light over coffee but let them know I can not do the "work" for them but am here to offer my ESH and if i am not sure I will say that.I am not a "spiritual guru" but an addict who has an NA sponsor and NA grandsponsor and practice spiritual principles and "work the process ' in my own life...seems to work out for us.I can not decide who gets the message and who doesn't I only carry our message(NA) and practice the principles in "all my affairs to the best of my ability... There are many different styles of sponsorship and I believe communication<say whats on your mind,honestly,will help bridge a lot of areas that relationships(any ) can lead us to..I truly believe "the therapeutic value of one addict helping another IS without parallel.My sponsor and I don't always see eye to eye but we always are honest with each other and find common grounds for both our recoveries.I am responsible for my own recovery,and I work in the solution to achieve the best results,guided first and foremost by the God of my understanding.I truly love my sponsor and we share a very "spiritual" relationship,that which I am truly blessed.NA puts out approved literature can get through World or area or online, SPONSORSHIP(how you like that!!).Excellent ,not rigid formats but little stories on individual sponsors/sponsee relationships as varied as the day is long....Another learning tool from the heart of our program Narcotics Anonymous...
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
I TRY to keep in mind my sponsors is there to pretty much just work the steps with.
I can call my sponsor and leave a message saying " Hey just having a hard time here gimme a call " I wont hear back for days but if I call and say " Hey I need to do some step work with you " he usually gets back to me that day, Hmm wonder whats up with that
My sponsor drinks to much coffee, my sponsor lectures me, my sponsor doesnt return calls or even call, blah blah blah LOL but i know my sponsor loves me, he's been there to work with me many many times this year and given time to make an appointment would spend whatever time I needed with me, he's a great sponsor but I forget that at times with other clammering thoughts
