It's been awhile since I shared with you guy's about what's been goin on for me, cause life's been cruisey. Up till now. For those of you who don't know my story I lost my first husband to an overdose on the 21st of December 1996 and on some level I still feel responsible for his death. Logically I know that I'm not to blame but I still feel that my actions brought about his using on that day. Now that was 14yrs ago and for the first couple of years I kept in contact with his family even though it was painful to do so. They don't blame me and never have, they just love me as they did way back then. Recently I have been in contact with my niece and sister inlaw on line and they have told me how much they have missed me and sent me a photo of a Christmas Ball with my name on it that the still hang on the tree every year. My mother inlaw misses me and talks about me all the time. I want to get back in contact with her but I can't bring myself to do it. I'm full of guilt and shame and it's so painful to even think about talking to her again I know I won't be able to stop crying. I'm still grieving for him, I know this sounds strange cause it was so long ago but it still feels like it was only yesterday for me. I have decided to send her a card, to reconnect with her I'm just finding it really hard to even buy the card. I don't know why I'm so scared.
Glad you're making some steps to reach out to these people. Sounds like you're doing a good job of trying to face your fears. Keep working the program--it works!
In support Ruthy! Trust in your Higher Power and I'll keep you in prayer.Keep working,God will bring the results of your actions..........Remember God forgives us,we ask for the ability to be able to forgive others and we make amends with ourselves(as God has forgiven us)I would suggest also reaching out to your sponsor or someone you can also share your fears and pain with.We let go of the wreckage of our past so we can move forward and grow."WE are here........peace.
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
Fear = lack of faith in my Higher Power, fear is False Evidence Appearing Real. Forgiving myself, really forgiving myself can be hard to do. It's hardest when I'm not in a good spiritual place, not in constant contact with my Higher Power, not in constant contact with other recovering addicts and NA. If I can't forgive myself it means I don't really believe my Higher Power forgives me. Indifference or complacancy living the spirtitual pricincles of the program can be a dangerous enemy of time in the program, especially when things seem to be going good.
-- Edited by Mike M on Tuesday 28th of December 2010 01:24:08 PM
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Work the Steps or Die MF. (My Friend :) Clean One Day At a Time by The Grace of God through The Power of NA
Some pain just seems to go on forever and may even get worse with time. It did for me. Even after the person I hurt the most, my daughter--who is permanently damaged and had very negative life-altering things forced on her as a result of her parent's addictions--forgave me, I could not forgive myself.
And the losses and damage to others did not stop in early sobriety---I kept on making willful decisions that I conned myself into believing were Higher-powered. It was, for me, exactly as posted above--fear was a manifestation of my lack of faith in God, which took me right out of the Steps. I was so much more powerful than "HP" that I would override Steps 2 and 3 in order to indulge myself in self-pity, deep, seductive, self-tormenting grief and shame.
No amount of crying, despair, depression, fear, rage, etc. etc. could bring any release or relief. It made no difference if people loved me or hated me...there was just no way out without consciously LIVING the bits and pieces of each and every aspect of any and all spiritual awakenings.
I also had to get some professional help in order to really "learn" how to "let go", because it was really destroying me and I'd become suicidal. The final, blessed, "letting go" and forgiving Self (accepting God's forgiveness, really) did not just happen because I was finally ready and willing for it to happen...I needed some concrete, practical, extra guidance along with the program,and sought out a therapist who was also expert in addictions and trauma.
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From dying and surviving to living and thriving. LeeU
Thanks everyone, especially you Lee it sounds like you get wher I'm at. I feel like I have a strong connection with my higher power and I know he forgives me but obviously I haven't been able to forgive my self. I thought this was all behind me and that I had dealt with it, but again obviously not.
Ruthy the pain never goes away but the living should start now and I think of my parents all the time and how I hurt my mother by scaring her when i was angry at her and I brought out all the anger for her when i was a kid and that was 40 years anger and my dad I threatened him as I seen him hit my mother and anger build up for him and that was 22 years of anger for him and finally I threatened to beat him up because he hit my mother and still today now I am 56 and that was 21 years ago i still feel guilt remorse and shame and I did my 5th step and mentioned that in there and the saying goes you hurt the ones you love. Ruthy keep on talking about your problem of your fear and it will slowly build up for you to build up the courage to do what you really want to do and that is that byou have a very loving family and people who care about you very deeply and you have to forgive yourself so life will show you a better way to see through these things and that is also what your sponsor or someone who is going through the same thing in the program about. I have went to a workshop on many aspects in my recovery to adult child of alcoholics and also workshops on grieving and also anger and every little thing that bothered me so I can feel responsible and it helps. Work your program do a 4th and 5th again and work the steps and see if they have step meetings in your town or city you live in. Mike
