I woke up this morning afraid...of not being able to keep last night's promise to myself. the next morning...my resolve diminishes. By the time the afternoon hits, I am well into negotiating with myself.
I prayed...I am not religious, but I see the power of praying in others. I don't pray usually...I have no idea how. So...just asked God to keep me willing to stay clean today.
I think maybe I should "freely and willingly" give God my addiction...but, not sure if I say it it would be truthful.
Bah...what have I learned.. - do the next right thing. - go to meetings, geta sponsor - USE your sponsor - one minute, hour, day at a time...
someone remind me of how great it feels to be clean...
We all feel its how we deal with those feelings, thats the difference.
How do I stay clean, feel what I have to feel and not use ? I do step one over and over sometimes, hell i stay in step one , I AM POWERLESS and if I use my life becomes horribly unmanageable.
Then I turn my will and my life ( not a small decision ) over to the care of something bigger then my life, my feelings and my addiction. Then I trust that higher power and just dont use.
We dont just not use that doesn't last long , we must trust and depend on a higher power, that dependency gives us freedom, think about that when you feel like using.
It's hard in the beginning but it does get better. Keep it in the day. All you have to do is stay clean today. get phone numbers and call them. And yes, by all means keep praying.
Hang in there! Don't use no matter what, go to meetings, keeping praying, talk to your sponsor. It will get better if you do these simple things. Spirituality is in my feet. It is in what I do. If I do the right things, this will bring me closer to my higher power. I prayed at first even though I didn't believe in anything. It didn't matter. I prayed anyway because they told me to and I was willing to give it a try. Somehow--it worked.
Lilly all I can say is that your on the right path and doing all the right things. Be proud of yourself girl, early recovery is a nightmare that I never want to live through again. Today I have peace in my life something that I have never had before in my 33yrs of using. The last 2+ yrs has been all about learning to live clean and today I'm so grateful that I made it through the hard day and stuck to my commitment to stay clean one day at a time. Take care and keep doing what your doing and just remember don't pick up NO MATTER WHAT and life will get better for you too......
sorry folks...no success here. Guess, as they say in the program I don't WANT IT bad enough...keep coming back blah blah. I don't know..I FEEL lik i want it bad enough. Problem is (to be brutally honest)...I dont know if everyonre in my life will LIKE ME very much if \im not stoned. It stops me from being depressed and crying all the time. God...this sucks. anyways, Im not whining. I know the hard line, and I know what i have to do. It's very hard to even FIND a meeting here, and when I do, everyone has like 8 miniutes of clean time. Not helpful. I come online, and there is never anyone in the chat room... so, I wil write here. Thanks for your time. peace Josee (Lilly is the name of my horse) :)
Do it for yourself dont put limitations like " no one will like me clean " on yourself, your whole life may take another direction then theres SO WHAT you'll make new friends and have a entirely new life and a better one.
At live meetings you can support each other with the program, AA started with one guy staying sober then 2, then 3 and 100 of bill the founders first prospective newcomers did not stay sober BUT HE DID, ahhhh what a concept LOL
all would be WONDERFUL...esxcept in my region..only 2 meetings a week, both I cant get to. so, online is it. for now.
Frustrating. doesnt matter. Im so sad today, I could care less about sobriety (although I am clean right now)...but...honestly. If doc tomorrow said you have cancer...I would be thrilled.
SOUNDS LIKE YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED TO DO - NA IS ALIVE AND WELL EVERYWHERE EVEN ON LINE - SO I ENCOURAGE YOU TO CONTINUE THE GOOD FIGHT - CONTINUE TO REACH OUT - 2 MEETINGS A WEEK - YOU WOULD BE SURPRISE AT HOW FOLKS WILL PICK YOU UP TO GO TO A MEETING - FAITH IS ACTION - HANG IN THERE
