We try to remember that when we make amends we are doing it for ourselves.
Basic Text, p. 41
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As long as we still owe amends, our spirits are cluttered with things we dont need. Were carrying the extra load of an apology owed, a resentment held, or unexpressed remorse. Its like having a messy house. We could leave so we dont have to see the mess, or maybe just step over the piles of debris and pretend they arent there. But ignoring the disorder wont make it disappear. In the end, the dirty dishes, the crumb-filled carpet, and the overflowing wastebaskets are still there, waiting to be cleaned up.
A cluttered spirit is just as hard to live with as a messy home. We always seem to be tripping over yesterdays leavings. Every time we turn around and try to go somewhere, there is something blocking our path. The more we neglect our responsibility to make amends, the more cluttered our spirits become. And we cant even hire someone to clean up. We have to do the work ourselves.
We gain a deep sense of satisfaction from making our own amends. Just as we would feel after weve cleaned our homes and have time to enjoy a bit of sunshine through sparkling windows, so will our spirits rejoice at our freedom to truly enjoy our recovery. And once the big mess is cleaned up, all we have to do is pick up after ourselves as we go along.
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Just for today: I will clear away whats cluttering my spirit by making the amends I owe.
For me, the hardest amends to make are for those things I did BEFORE active addiction took control of my life. By the end of my using almost everyone who knew my knew I had a drug problem. It was no secret anymore and those people were, for the most part, very happy to see me get clean. It was relatively easy to make the amends required. The stuff I did before active addiction is a different story. It's very hard to admit that I did those things... and didn't even have the disease to blame it on. It was all me! I hated making those amends the most but I also gained the most freedom from them. What it allowed me to do was to move on in my recovery, to continue the process of change, and to let go of some of that load of guilt and shame that I had been carrying for a lifetime. I did my best to make it right and now I can hold my head up no matter who is in front of me... Thank God for the steps...
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"With a sweet tongue of kindness, you can drag an elephant by a hair." ~Persian Proverb
