its 5am....i keep having this dream of a old women that i robbed from PA when i shooting dope...the day i robbed her she looked into my eyes an told me...."when you meet your maker i hope he remembers all the bad an horrible you have done"...that i night i couldn't keep the money or credit cards i took....i went back to the house and left the purse on her door stop...i wish i could go back and say I'm sorry or do something...i don't know if she died or something...but i keep having dreams about her...it makes me so upset...it makes me think of all the bad i did for that next fix....i refuse to use....i will not give myself permission to use today...I'm just taking it min by min right now...if anyone knows how to get some peace of mind about this kinda stuff...the advice would be great...i look forward to the replies...i just want one night that i get more then 2 to 3 hours of a nice peaceful rest...I'm going to to pray to my higher power to please give me the strength to get through these cravings tonight...
-- Edited by log666 on Sunday 29th of August 2010 07:51:55 AM
-- Edited by log666 on Sunday 29th of August 2010 07:55:24 AM
you are not the only one with terrors from you r past I have been up since 3 am watched a movie to try to quiet my mind the night terrors are getting worse I can't say that they have anything to do with my using days but the way I single handly tore my family apart my sons bday is the 2nd of sept. he will be 17 years old I gave him to my mother when he was three my using was outta control as well as my mental health id id what was best for him. His bday may only be my mother and a friend from downstairs where I live his great aunt will prolly not be there cause of me, I pushed her away by calling her out on disaplining my child and letting her 2nd husband take things over my mother and I confronted the both of them I said that if that man laid a finger onmy child he would pay for it so now my aunt thinks I will sue her and if they touch him she would be right my mother was living with them in a house i couldn't even dream of having guess he comes from money but shortly after my conflict she and her 2nd husband kicked my mother and my son outta the house they all shared the bitch put my family on the street of coure myy mother and son are set up in an apt now but things are tight on her cause of this Just in the past year in ahalf as I have been dealing with the legalities that goes with a shrink seducing me has she and finally formed a healthy bond and in my fear of losing her I have pushed my brothree and his wife away desperatly wanting to hang on to my mother the only real pewrson I have in my life I am grateful you brought up this topic I have wanted to get this off my chest for a bit i may ruin my son's bday cause noone wants to be around me or my behavor I am just so scared to lose what I have tried to get for it seems like a life time mom knows I am getting better as Io stay clean but the past still haunts me today with out a clue of what happens next Bless you for bringing this up so I too could share my pain
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Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough. Og Mandino
no problem Manon..tell your son i said happy birthday...atleast he has his mother sober an clean with him on his special day..im sure thats one gift hes very pleased with
if anyone knows how to get some peace of mind about this kinda stuff...the advice would be great..
Our literature tells us that "the solution is in the steps". I found this to be true. My peace of mind has grown alot since I got a sponsor and started working the steps. By honestly facing ourselves, our addiction, and our behaviors we begin the process of healing. Finding comfort in a Higher Power is also part of the process, as is making amends. You can't wash away years of guilt in one day. This will take some time, but if you go to meetings, get a sponsor and honestly work the steps to the best of your ability, you can expect to find the peace of mind you so desperately want.
Guilt & shame are by far my 2 worst enemies in recovery. Last summer when I first decided to get help and go to rehab I was so consumed w/ guilt that I honestly couldn't focus on anything else let alone actually "working the program" Sure i was clean physically but sicker than ever mentally & emotionally. Shame crippled me in every way possible. I started feeling really feeling my feelings for the first time in so many many yrs. It was absolute pure hell. I was in rehab for about 6 wks and it's pretty much one big blur because all I did was cry and say how sorry I was when i got to have phone calls. I literally did that for 6 wks. I couldn't even have imagined how to begin to forgive myself so I knew there was no way my family would ever truly forgive me. Feeling again has been the hardest part of my recovery and still is but it's getting a little better day by day. Not being able to cope w/ how guilty i felt I ended up going back to rehab for another 7wks. I've been home since the end of June and now that I've had time to really think about things I think I went the first time because i overdosed and my family did the intervention thing but I was too weak & sick to really understand what it was going to take to get clean & stay clean but I was introduced to the idea of NA at least. This last time I went for me. I wanted to get clean & stay and I prayed and read and begged for suggestions, etc until finally I was able to somehow cope w/ the guilt & shame to a certain degree anyway and was finally able to try to understand and accept the fact that I have a disease that wants me to die. I don't want to die. I have 2 incredible beautiful & amazing daughters who need a mother. Knowing that and praying more & more for some kind of understanding as to why I let drugs take over my life and that it's my disease. my addiction that is horrible & not me as a person only then was able to live w/ what I have done and finally begin to heal mentally & emotionally and not just physically. Thank you so much for sharing on this topic. I hope this is making sense. Sorry for rambling.
Take care, Stacey
-- Edited by sstaceye69 on Sunday 29th of August 2010 06:43:28 PM
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The Will Of GOD Will Never Take You Where The Grace Of GOD Will Not Protect You
Avid is correct - the solutions are in the steps - meanwhile we pray, go to meetings , and don't pickup - so we no longer have to rob folks..I love what you say "not giving myself permission to use" I use that alot and pass it on alot..I am proud of you - no one said it would be easy..When we put it down (dope) life happens and sometimes it feels horrible - but you won't die from it..GOD IS TRULY MORE INTERESTED IN YOUR CHARACTER THAN YOUR COMFORT - HE IS CHARACTER BUILDING IN YOU..KEEP IT UP EVEN THOUGH IT FEELS AWFUL..FAITH ALWAYS SHOWS UP
