I'm going to put this out there and I hope I can get support on it.
I am extremely afraid of being alone, and am living alone right now. I've done it a year or so a couple of times in the past but really those times have been just between relationship periods.
I made the phone call I said I wouldn't make a few weeks ago and am full-bore into a toxic connection. I am aware of quite a number of things that I do that are obsessive and compulsive and I don't want to deal with the level of anxiety I experience when I don't do them. At the moment I'd liken what I'm into as relapsing in an area of recovery that may cause emotional harm to myself and/or someone else.
I really like to be the guy that supports others, and doesn't need to ask for support but in this area of my life i am in need of prayers and just you people to know that I am determined to do this thing, the next right one ya'll are so Godamned hung up on. This is between you guys and God now, I'm sick of wrestling with it!
Hey Joe! thanks for your honest sharing...We have similar functions in the area you descibe.I never really dated or went out with different people in relationships.I always married them and was only on my own in between 3 marriages and long time relationships.I am very aware of where the "manifestation " of being by myself used to cause me anxiety,stinking thinking and many depressive emotions.Not sure why but its what it was.I can only suggest,keep "seeing yourself coming" share like your life depends on it(cause we know it does)continue praying(and SO will I)We have many areas in our lives beyond the "using ' of drugs.Most have had so many things going on well before they ever picked up a substance..I can only suggest you "work" in this area as diligently as you did in putting down the substance.I also struggled with "lust" areas in my life even through marriages and relationships.I submitted to my Higher Power' prayed for freedom and have been relieved(although still always thoughts there)to a point of control and "never tempted without having my own way out(my spiritual readings helped me here)Each time we fall,we just have to pick ourselves up,ask for help(our best thinking got us where it did)and honestly work the area of distress.I believe "in God's time,with diligent work' :All things are possible with Him"!! be careful,reach out ,in fact scream out if it starts taking you back to "death valley.P.m me if you want to talk 'off the board etc..In support and hear you loud and clear.Just for Today ,dig deep,weigh the options(while you still have them) and talk with your support group ,sponsor and yourself about have far your going to go in!!Not easy ,but we must continue to 'beat down the monster"cause as you are aware,its in everything,but God is in charge...peace my friend.......
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
Been out of relationships for a year and a half now Joe,, Been out of my mind in most, but this last one was great but also very out there too.
Im now facing the biggest fear in life, not only that of being single but also facing the fear of ridicule for being single..
Seems like my equestions were wrong; thinking that Id be complete only when there was this woman in my life. I know for certain that that aint true anymore...being single, I can mingle more and do things freely.
At age near 50,, Im taking a break from relationships addiction and hoping that Il come out a stronger, more supportive, loving and caring person.....
all in the NA way,,,
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Raman, Mike, all: Thanks for sharing that. I called an old friend in the program whom I have shared with much in my first 10 years but we've headed in business directions that only bring us together periodically and he has a different home group now. It was as if we were living parallel lives relationship wise.
I think that no matter how much time I sepnd in recovery I continuously realize that I have had unrealistic expectations on myself. I think "This is NOT where I'm supposed to be" luckily where ever I go in NA, in one way or another you guys tell me: Joe you're right where you are supposed to be.
Damn ya'll are smart and the smartest move I ever made was bitin' my ass to that seat April 3, 1989!
I've realised sadly and happily someday I expect, that I keep doing some things over and over because I want to do them. I leave what I know to be right, what I believe to be God's will for me, in the dust and head in the direction of what Joe wants. In relationships Joe wants, control, to know the outcome, and his feelings/emotions regulated by another person.
Bottom line is I have been operating in the insane thought process that brought me to my knees with dope. Well guess what, while I'm down here now I ain't givin' up! My friend that I called this weekend says: Get on your knees and fight like a man!
Thanks all for being here, the fear is far less great today.
