Hello to all, very new to this message board. I'm a 20-year-old female college student (majoring in psychology) and I am well aware of the way the brain works, and how we are unable to control our biological dispositions. I recently found out my boyfriend has relapsed. When we began dating he told me of his prior addiction to heroin. I was a little shaky dating someone who has been in and out of rehab twice before but I've known him since I was 11, we grew up together, and lost contact when he dropped out of highschool. We reconnected and yet, I wanted to take things slow, and he told me he had been clean for a year. We finally met up after months of talking again, and I fell madly in love with him all over again, as I had before when we dated (well not really dated, we were 13 years old), but he was my first love. I lost my virginity to him (at age 20) which was a big deal to me, I gave up my whole heart, and after a couple months I started to notice a change. First, I started noticing money missing, cash from my wallet. I would let it go, and then next time he was over, I would be missing more. After the second time, I confronted him about it. I told him that I know he took it, and to please just admit it. He of course refused, and I didn't know what to do, seeing as it was 10 dollars each time, I just let it go. He had lost his job a few weeks prior and I figured he was just strapped for cash and was too embarassed to ask. After that he would tell me how he couldn't sleep, so he would go for walks. I went for a couple walks with him to try and help him, but eventually I would be too tired and he would just want to go off by himself. I didn't think anything of it, because he doesn't know anyone in the area I live in. One night when he was an hour away at his house and I was at a friends spending the night he called me and said he couldn't take it anymore, he was on a bridge and he wanted to jump. He said he was tired of being a fuck up, and he was better off dead. I talked him down, made him promise not to do anything, and the next day he was still alive. I saw him a couple days after and he spent time at my house with me, which was normal for us, seeing as we were dating long distance and he was working toward getting his license, and I go back to school in a couple weeks. I was off of work for a couple days and I started to notice him shaking, coughing up blood (which I initially thought was because of him smoking cigarettes). He said he just had a cold. I of course went and got him cold medicine, made him some soup as he didn't eat all day, and all of a sudden he had to make a phone call, so he went outside. When I went outside to find him, he was gone. He said he would be right back when I called him and yet it took him an hour and a half to get back. Anyway, long story short I caught him for once and for all, as I checked my online banking and saw he had stolen my atm card and withdrawn 200 dollars in 2 days while I was sleeping and when he said he went for his phone call. I then walked in on him snorting something on my desk when he thought I was in the shower. I confronted him, and he tried to down a 100 pill bottle of advil, I got him not to, so he put his switchblade to his wrist and then I talked him into putting it down. I had to leave for work, and when I got home he was ready to talk. We talked for awhile, and eventually I told him I would have to drive him home. I drove him home and on the way home he wanted me to pull over and because I wouldn't (we were in the middle of the woods at midnight) he opened the door and put both legs out. I fought with him in the middle of nowhere trying and crying, pleading with him to just go home, and eventually I got him back in the car. I called his sister the next day and filled her in on everything that had happened, told her that he was clearly addicted to percocets and possibly other painkillers. She informed the rest of his family, and soon he was calling me telling me he was going to rehab when a bed opened up. He began detoxing at home (he lived with his aunt and uncle) , and then went to stay with his mother. By day 4 I thought I was making progress with him, trying to talk to him as much as possible, being there for him as much as I could with being an hour away. He was detoxing but kept telling me how he was done and he didn't want to do it anymore. The hospital called me last night to confirm about his suicide intentions. I explained what had happened, and they committed him. He tried to escape from his moms house and managed to get away long enough to get high, and because he was dehydrating she had no other choice but to take him to the hospital. He called me from the hospital last night after he was committed and I promised him I would be here when he got out of rehab. They are trying to send him to a 3-6 month facility. I have never been with someone who has had a drug addiction. This is taking an enormous toll on my emotions and my general well being. I keep telling myself that I did the right thing by talking to the hospital but something tells me they are just going to drug him up more seeing as he is in the psych ward. They won't give his mother any information, and his mom called me this morning we talked for about an hour, and we are both afraid that he is not going to get into rehab which is what he truly needs. I have been hoping and praying that he finds peace within himself one day and can lead a healthy productive drug free life. I want to be there for him when he gets out, because I do love him. I see the good in him, but I have never seen him off of drugs (other than when he was 13). Was I in love with him, or was I in love with the person he became when he was on drugs? I was completely blindsided by the whole thing considering I thought I would notice if he was doing drugs around me. I thought I would see a difference in his physical appearance or something, just a change I guess. I didn't see it until it was staring me right in the face. I feel guilty for telling the hospital about his suicide intent. I didn't want to have him committed, and I keep trying to tell myself that what I did was for the best. My family of course wants me to have nothing to do with him, but I don't know if I'm ready to cut all ties. I want him to be okay, I want to help him, and I want to help him in all the right ways. I'm trying to gain as much information as I can on addictions, especially painkiller addictions, as I know it is extremely difficult to battle. I just feel so helpless, when all I want to do is take his pain away. I know I can't control him or his addiction as he can't either, but he can manage it. I guess I'm just posting hoping someone understands and can help me find some peace enough to sleep at night again. (sorry for the huge essay and thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read my ramblings)
I'm sorry for the situation you are in. Are you an addict? Narcotics Anonymous is a program for people who are recovery from addiction. They have other programs for family members of addicts or alcoholics, such as Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, etc.
Kels, you did the right thing. Detox and rehab are there to make sure that the actual withdrawl doesn't kill the person. (which it can.) So don't worry if they are giving him pills, as it is extremley dangerous in some cases to stop cold turkey. You had to have him "comitted" but I wouldn't call it that. Please go to Nar-Anon or Al-Anon. You need to understand that unless he wants to quit, he will not. Also I must stress the importance of honesty. If he really wants to quit he must be vigorously honest about his addiction, and also all the drugs he has used. After that, he must be honest about all the wrongdoing he has done. But again, this must come from him. He has to make the decision to do this. I pray he will get better. But in the meantime, you need to be responsible for you and you alone. Go to a nar-anon ot al-anon meeting. Learn about the disease. And get some sleep. You are ok.
Welcome Kells299.My name is MIKEF.i AM AN ADDICT AND HAVE A SON ,WHO IS A 24 YEAR OLD ACTIVE hEROIN ADDICT.i AM ALSO AN ACTIVE MEMBER OF nARANON FOR FRIENDS AND RELATIVES OF ADDICTS.I will pray for your situation as I am fully aware of the devastion that is caused by either being and active addict or family of.This is a family disease.
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
Hi Kells, I'm Dan, and I am a recovering addict. I have been clean for over 7 yrs now. I say that, not that clean time really means that much because I live in a large NA community with several hundred members and I see members with multiple years clean relapse almost every month. 5 yrs, 10 yrs, even 15 or 20 yrs clean is no guarantee against relapse. But I do have some experience to offer. It is a very difficult decision to know when to back away from a using addict. Our hearts want to hold on, to help, to... SOMETHING. The reality is that until your friend WANTS help, there is no help for him. Another problem is that addicts always WANT help... when their asses are on fire. We will do anything to convince loved ones that this time is different, this time we really mean it, this time we are gonna do whatever it takes... sadly "this time" is usually just another attempt at manipulating the people who love us most into enabling us to continue using. We will lie, cheat, steal, lie some more... all in the name of 'just one more.' I was going to point you to some of our literature that is the collective experience of our entire fellowship...
In our basic text, written by addicts, for addicts, there is a passage pertinent to this. It says, "Desire is the key word; desire is the basis of our recovery. In our stories and in our experience of trying to carry the message of recovery to the addict who still suffers, one painful fact of life has emerged again and again. An addict who does not want to stop using will not stop using. They can be analyzed, counseled, reasoned with, prayed over, threatened, beaten, or locked up, but they will not stop until they want to stop. The only thing we ask of our members is that they have this desire. Without it they are doomed, but with it miracles will happen."
Sadly Kells, sometimes the only way to help an addict find this desire is to help them reach the end of the road as soon as possible. We help them up by helping them down first. As long as there are friends and family members who are willing to help an addict evade the full weight of the consequences of their using, there is little necessity for them to seek help. In our own minds we rationalize and justify whatever we need to in order to continue our habit. Denial is a huge aspect of addiction, we don't even know that we are lying to ourselves. We really believe that we are doing our best, when in reality, our best is often just another ruse, another lie, another manipulation. It is usually when we have lost all support, burned every bridge, and used everyone we possibly can, friend and family member alike, that we find ourselves desperate enough to try something different... really try. We call this the gift of desperation, for it makes our recovery possible. I pray your friend can receive this gift soon. Here's the kicker... no one ever knows when any individual is really at their rock bottom. Often even the addict himself doesn't know. You face some difficult decisions and should you choose to try to stick with your friend, to be there for him, rest assured you will face many disappointments and heartbreaks. That is not to say there is no hope for him, just the opposite. Narcotics Anonymous is a program of hope. But as my sponsor has told me many times, 'This is a save your OWN ass program... we just do it together." There is help available, but HE must be the one to reach out for it. HE is the one who must find the willingness to do what it takes to save himself. I wish you well, and hope I have shed some light on your predicament. Big NA Hugs to you... and like you, I apologize for the great length of my post.
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"With a sweet tongue of kindness, you can drag an elephant by a hair." ~Persian Proverb
Thank you so much to the kind words of all. And especially to Dan, I appreciate everything you have said, and it honestly did give me some hope for him reading what you said because I know he is trying and that it is what he wants to do. He was the one waking up calling the rehab every morning hoping and begging for a bed to be open. He was the one who, yes was desperate to hide his secret, but I know he doesn't want to be the way he is, just needs more help. He was trying to do it on his own and I think now he knows that he can't do it by himself. He needs the support of other clean people in his life. He was going to AA meetings trying to help himself before I had even realized why he was going. I thought he was going because he was thinking about using again, not that he had actually already relapsed. A big concern of mine with NA is that he had told me about going to NA before and he had met a dealer there which led to his relapse the first time (before him and I started speaking again). I want to encourage him to go to NA when he is released, I'm just worried that this will happen again. Is alcohol a trigger for all addicts or is it something that he is alone with?
NA N never A alone NeverAgain yes alchol is a trigger ity too is considered a drug I hope he finds the help he need but mostly he has to want he doesn't have to do this alone there arre many of us out here to support and guide share our experiicerince streghth and hope I can't spell today sorry find a nar a non meeting you will find the tools useful I wish my mom was open minded enough to do the same good luck
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Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough. Og Mandino
Hello again, Kells. It saddens me when I hear things like you related about addicts meeting a dealer at an NA meeting, but think about it... many addicts deal to support their habit, at least for a while. Eventually they become their own best customer. A monkey can't sell bananas, as we say. And sooner or later they end up in the rooms of NA, sometimes as a requirement of the courts. Here's the point I want to share tho: Newer members very often focus on differences at first, instead of similarities. We feel like we are unique, like other members don't understand our own particular circumstances. This is part of our diseased thinking... the very people we need the most are the very ones we feel the most distrust and sometimes hostility toward. I remember being told that you can find anything you want at an NA meeting. If you want to find a dealer or someone to use with... you can. If you want to find yourself a 'treatment center girlfriend" or boyfriend... you can. But if you want to find out how to live clean and recover, you can do that too. We welcome all addicts, even still using addicts into our meetings hoping that if they keep coming, eventually they will find that desire to stay and do what it takes to recover.
One of the early lessons is to learn to 'sit with the winners.' Go to meetings and associate with the members who are obviously working a strong program and who have accumulated some clean time. It's ok to associate with other newcomers also, but remember, another newcomer isn't going to have any more experience than I do in recovery. Too often newcomers end up getting high together, instead of recovering together. Over time though, the members who we get clean with are the ones with whom we develop special bonds. We learn together, grow together, celebrate jobs, diplomas, clean time, marriage, divorce, and on and on... in short, we become family. But like I said, in the beginning, we have to learn to get with the more experienced members who seem to have the willingness to help us.
The centerpiece of recovery in NA is sponsorship. It is the heartbeat of our program. Sponsorship is not about control, not about someone telling us what to do or not do. It's the therapeutic value of one addict helping another. No one understands and can help an addict like another addict. No can spot bullshit like another addict either. Sometimes we need to hear it when we are deceiving ourselves. This is the NA way of recovery, and it is the only way the program works. We MUST get a sponsor, even a temporary sponsor. I would suggest to your friend that going to meetings, avoiding people who are obviously not there to stay clean, associating with the 'winners', and finding a sponsor become his top priorities. How willing he demonstrates himself to be in these areas will tell you a lot about how willing he is to do 'whatever it takes.' If you immediately start hearing excuses about how no one will take time to talk to him, no one wants to help him, or how hard it is to get to meetings, or find meetings.... these are rationalizations and justifications... they are B.S. We find what we are looking for... Thanks for your reply and keep us posted. Good luck!
-- Edited by dan h on Monday 16th of August 2010 05:26:27 AM
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"With a sweet tongue of kindness, you can drag an elephant by a hair." ~Persian Proverb
