god I spent some time with my friend of over 10 year we date off and on but he can't seem to make up his mind for a bit all is cool then he just flips when he realizes he still has feelings for me and then pushes me away he and I are alot alike but it doesn't stop the pain he makes plans with me then cancel for what ever reason he has done this enough times I should know better he bringas me up then stomps on what little hope I found so stupid me goes to find the man that i truly love but was torn apart so quickly I went to look for him just couldn't find the right house i know I was where I was suppposed to be but why must I still think of him my mind is confused all I want is to be loved and that seems to be hard to find fuck privlegde and postions it doesn't stop the feelings the insane part is he stalked me for amlost a complete year and then asI was driving home it occured to me that it would be another anniversary I'm tired and weary just no hope invovled I can't seem to get nothing right I wanna drive over a bridge i just want to stop the pain and no one wants to help I am alone I hate life I wantthe fairy tale but damn who wants a crazy girl with pysical problems god I couold just imagine what it's i t would be like to be with with someone with all my issues anyway I have prolly babbled enough but the doctor says things are just more intese due to one diagnosis I have but I am hanging in my rope is getting thin
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Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough. Og Mandino
We have to stop trying to control people places and situations , I made a booboo tonight myself by letting fear run my mouth and mind to much, so we make mistakes, try to stop them before they get into full force, back off and pray dont self destruct manon, work the program get into the solution when trouble comes, it'll be alright...
Hey Manon! I hear your pain and struggles and it brings me to our literature..Says"do we really want to be rid of our resentments,our anger,our fear.?Many of us cling to our fears,doubts,self-loathing or hatred because there is a certain distorted security in familiar pain..It seems safer to embrace what we know than let go of it for the unknown..Expectations of someone you know is not reliable,and chasing your heart to a spot that causes you misery is familiar pain for you....Believe me,I know,we do get tired and weary but we can choose freedom,joy and happiness no matter what is going on around us.Is it easy NO WAY,BUT DOABLE YES.For people like us our solutions are in the spiritual principles and how we can incorporate our"coming to believe"in our lives.I can only stay in support for you,continue to lift you up to the God of my understanding and share as one helping another .Hang in there Manon. Youngbloods said it well many years ago"the road is long with many a winding turn!! peace and love from this area of cyber space..
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
there is a buddhist saying. I'm not sure I agree with it, but it has been ringing in my head the past couple of days. It goes something like this. "the person who loves 50 people has 50 woes. The person who loves no one has no woes" I can't imagine life without love, but I don't think they are talking about "love" I think they are talking about being 'in love' and all the possessiveness and demands that seem to go along with that. Anyway, your post made me think of it. Hang in there Manon, we are always here and willing to listen.
Hang in there my friend - Thru the years I have learned - that when I focus on solutions and not force - I have freedom - I have also learned how powerless I am and If I don't take heed then my life gets unmanageable - Let Go - suggetion - stop forcing things - It really is ok to be with just you for awhile -Its ok to just work on you - Its ok to let go - Its ok to reach for recovery and not just clean time - I will keep you in my prayers.
Manon: I'm glad you're putting it out there. I think I experience emotions on some level that is exagerrated. I also from time to time feel like I'm always gonna feel what I'm currently feeling.
The book talks about the gift of desparation. Most of the desperation I've felt since I've been clean has been directly related to a relationship, either not being in one and thinking I needed to be to feel "Normal" or like I fit in and have purpose. On the other side of that I've been in a couple that I felt trapped in and couldn't wait to get out.
Everywhere I go, there I am (I know that's old but it fits me).
My thinking changes slowly, but it changes. I've seen many people change and experience life and happiness.
If you keep sharing openly, honestly and move forward in your recovery effort, you will feel better.
You're an important part of this recovery project and I'll bet others.
